Marital Tensions

Let us take an example. There is a tense situation between a husband and wife because of the relationship of the husband with his mother. The mother refuses to let go of her son. The wife is not only offended by the attitude of her mother-in-law, but she also feels frustrated by the attitude of her husband. Her husband sincerely loves his wife, but he does not sufficiently understand what troubles his wife. He thinks that his wife wrongly criticizes the combination of love he has for his wife and the respect for his mother. If his wife would only show more respect for his mother, she would feel less neglected, he thinks.

Here are a husband and a wife who have each other's welfare at heart, but nevertheless have a problem with their relationship. The husband's mother stands between them. To be sure, she does not wish to take them away from each other, but she does detract from their marriage happiness.

Right from the start of their relationship, the wife had harboured a suspicion against the position of her mother-in-law in her husband's life. She talked about it with him many times. He tried to calm her anxiety and irritation by affirming that he was there for her all the way. She took his word for it and expected that things would improve once they were married.

The mother-in-law did not play an outright cruel game, but she did refuse to step back. She did accept the fact that they were married and therefore ought to go their own way, but she did not let go of her son. By subtle interference she kept strings attached to her son. He wants to cover up the matter and maintain his relationship to both women. He seeks a solution of tolerance or integration. But his wife is headed on a course of collision and direct contradiction as the only remedy for a happy marriage. She seeks all or nothing and even risks an inward rift with her husband.

He wants to hold on to both. He is conscious of the fact that his wife is heading for a rift. That makes him critical of her. He calls her attitude one of unchristian intolerance, which troubles him even more than his wife's insistence that he break off the wrong relationship with his mother. Unconsciously, he criticizes his wife for this in order to continue to have the rela­tionship with his mother.

Analyzing the Situation⤒🔗

What are you to do as pastor or elder? You have been called in at a point where things are not yet hopeless, even though considerable damage has been inflicted. The husband and wife are in opposition to each other, whereas they started out by being in harmony with each other and had mutual feelings of devotion for each other. However, a distance has come between them, and the harmony is disappearing.

The first phase for a solution is to listen. Allow both husband and wife to express their points of view, experiences and feelings. Soon you will realize that the heart of the problem is not that they do not love each other or that they are not willing to work at their problem. Yet, both experience a hopeless obstacle. She finds that she cannot go on because her mother-in-law stands between them. She experiences his love as a love that she always has to share with her mother-in-law. He considers the choice between his wife and his mother to be an unreasonable choice. In his mind, both women can keep their place in his life, each in their own way.

You keep on asking questions and you come to the conclusion that the husband never truly let go of his mother. He did leave his parental home, and he does cleave to his wife, even sexually, but inwardly he has not left his mother. She retained her place as mother, the same way she held that place in the years prior to his marriage.

You need to realize that at this point you have to speak quite concretely and specifically about love. After all, the husband says that he sincerely loves his wife, but for the wife that means there is a relationship with a third party. She wants him to meet her condition of exclusive choice for her only.

Counselling←⤒🔗

You have properly gauged the relationship between them. You can now build a great deal on what is right in their rela­tionship. However, one thing needs to be done. That is, the husband has to choose for his wife while (for the time being) he has to let go of his mother. As pastor or elder you need to expound and apply the three basic verbs in Genesis 2:24: "leave," "cleave," and "be one flesh." The conclusion becomes clear: the mother-in-law has occupied too big a place in her son's life.

The son begins to see that, but he does not yet know how to go about it. Your task with regard to his wife is to keep her from triumphantly celebrating that she has been right along. She may think, "See? I told you all along. I have been wronged. You have given your mother too significant a place." It may be that you as pastor or elder agrees with this conclusion, but you need to prevent her from triumphing over him. She, together with you, needs to show her husband that the claim the mother-in-law makes on her son is wrong.

The husband believes that he needs to keep honouring his mother. This concern covers up his need for inward dependence on his mother.

As pastor or elder you need to reject this illegitimate claim in three steps. You need to show that the fifth commandment functions differently in the life of a married son than in the life of an adolescent son. You need to try to lead the husband to the insight that he has continued to be dependent on his mother. Furthermore, you still need to point out the relationship between a wrong dependence on his mother and a wrong understanding of the fifth commandment.

A great deal depends on how the wife conducts herself. If she triumphs in being right, she may end up wrong. If she uses it as a weapon against her husband, he will be further alienated. She must resist this temptation and learn to assist her husband to become independent of his mother.

Patience is necessary. The mother will not easily give up her place. She may use the fifth commandment as a "counteroffensive." You will need quite a few conversations; you need to be firm as well. You will need to explain how you look at their relationship. You may not bypass the husband's dependence on his mother. Show what the task of each is and their task together. The first visit may be rather stormy, but you need to let the light of the Word shine clearly on the relationship.

The first visit may be painful, but it is the only way things will work. The wife must be ready to forgive and to work on renewing the relationship. The husband must begin to see the necessity of a change in relating to his wife and to his mother.

You have a distinct message for both of them. To the husband the message is: your wife has a right to your whole heart. You may not divide that between your mother and your wife! If you must (for the time being) lose one of the two, then you need to lose your mother, in order to hold on to your wife. You can only have both, if you have given your wife your unconditional allegiance. The message for the wife is: you need to be ready to forgive and ready to help. Do not demand that you receive double for what was kept from you for so long.

This approach, normally, should bear fruit. It is painful and hard work. You have the privilege of pointing to the attitude of Christ and so minister to these persons. Hopefully, the mother-in-law will begin to see that her children's marriage happiness is more important than the devotion of her son to her. To be sure, that is still a negative motivation on her part - their marriage may not break down. Hopefully, this negative motiva­tion will be changed into a positive one. You should pray that this change might come. The change in the attitude for the couple can also bring about that they discover other areas in which they kept their devotion from each other. This self-examination can lead to a spiritual break-through that goes beyond the relationship between husband and wife.