Peter and Gillian were a young Christian couple. They had served overseas on the mission field and upon returning to Australia they settled into their local church. Peter worked part-time for the church and Gillian began work in an office. Her boss asked Gillian to travel to Brisbane with him on a business trip ... they dined together, spent time talking and one thing led to another.

When she got home Gillian began to tell Peter that she no longer loved him. Eventually she admitted that she was hav­ing an affair with her boss. Gillian and Peter are no longer married. The workplace can be treacherous ground for marriages –– even Christian marriages are at risk!

A Christian friend of ours was told by a recently converted woman, that he was the only man she knew who was not having an affair! He and his wife were stunned. However a 1994 study in the USA found that 30 per cent of people surveyed who identified themselves as conservative Protestants had had more than one sexual partner in the previous 12 months, and 14 per cent had two to four partners in that time. Most people accept that the pressure upon marriages in the ’90s is enormous –– so what are you doing to affair-proof your marriage?

One of the worst things we could do is assume that it will never happen to us. The fact we are Christians doesn’t make us immune to the pressures. As Paul warned the Corinthian church:

So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall. 1 Cor. 10:12

Here are some ideas about affair-proof­ing our marriages.

First, look out for your spiritual health. Or, as Stephen Covey puts it, sharpen your own saw. Sexual temptation is like any other temptation –– it hits hardest when we are weakest. When we are overworked and our decision-making is clouded; when we feel that life has let us down; when we are hurting inside and feel that no one under­stands us –– then we are vulnerable to Satan’s attacks.

We can seek for comfort and security in a relationship outside our marriage. However the place to start in any marriage is with Jesus. Our deepest needs are only met in Him. We need to give ourselves per­mission for what a friend calls ‘wasting time’ with God. Spending time at leisure with Him, in prayer and bible meditation and fellowship with His people.

Strong Christian marriages are built upon each partner’s strong walk with Jesus.

Don’t nourish temptation. The first step in temptation is to allow the thought that an affair with someone else is possible. It isn’t! So don’t imagine that it is. When we allow ourselves to daydream about roman­tic dinners or sexual encounters with some­one else –– we are already losing the battle.

We also need to be careful about our friendships. When we begin to get excited at the thought of meeting someone else or start making unflattering comparisons with our partner, then it’s time to take a deep breath and a big step back. Dwight Hervey Small says:

An intimate friendship seems innocent alongside a sexual affair, but a purely emotional attachment can do more to threaten marriage than falling into sexu­al sin. In a friendship one does more than lend his body to passing pleasure; one gives his heart away.

Friendships outside of marriage are precious. But they cannot be immune from scrutiny.

Identify temptation. Since the serpent first presented sin as a chance to be like God, Satan has been dressing up marital unfaithfulness to appear romantic, fulfilling and exciting. It isn’t. Like all of Satan’s temptations, an affair promises so much and delivers so little. It’s a hollow promise. The offspring of an affair are guilt, deceit and pain. So identify the temptation for what it is, not for what Satan would fool us into believing. Let’s call an affair what it really is –– adultery. Steve Farrer says: “In the war on the family, adultery is treason.”

Resist temptation. Why should we say ‘No’ to an affair? Bill Hybels suggests that we will say ‘No’ firstly because we love Jesus, secondly because we love our partner and thirdly because we fear God’s judg­ment. Three pretty good reasons!

Second, work hard at communication. Everyone we speak to tells us that commu­nication is essential to affair-proof our mar­riages. So how come it’s so hard to do?

Well, life is hectic and we struggle to make the time. Young children rob us of sleep. Talking to our older children can become an easy substitute for talking with our part­ner. We can grow complacent and imagine our marriage doesn’t need the levels of communication we once had. When we do communicate, it can often degenerate into expressions of pent-up frustrations that tear each other down. We can spoil our communication if we use it to maintain the tally of wrongs done.

However, just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do it. Good communi­cation is essential to keeping our marriage relationship strong. We need to take time to affirm our partner. The psychologist William James said that possibly the deep­est need we have is the need to feel appreci­ated. Are you telling your partner how much you appreciate him/her? Holding hands, spontaneous hugs or a smile across the room all tell your partner that they are someone special.

We need also to take time to talk about more than who needs the car tomorrow and whether the chops are tough tonight. Conversation that stimulates and refreshes will draw us closer together, help us under­stand one another better and deepen our appreciation of our partner.

None of this happens without planning and effort. We need to set aside time to talk, and lots of it! Especially when children arrive, we can make excuses not to find time to talk at leisure … we’re too tired, life’s too rushed, it costs too much.

What works for us are regular visits to the coffee shops which give us a terrific place to settle down to talk. We go away at least once a year (a wedding anniversary does as an excuse) for a special time away. The children are left in the care of their Aunt, the pets are put out to board and we spend 24 hours simply enjoying one another company.

Third, practice love. God has shown love to us. We should show love to one another. One of the best decisions we ever made in our marriage was to assume the best in whatever our partner said or did. It’s so easy to assume that they meant to hurt us or that they deliberately ignored our wishes. We must give one another the ben­efit of the doubt. Assume that when our partner made that promise to love us –– they actually meant it!

Fourth, accountability. Is there someone you have agreed to tell, if you sense your­self sliding into an unhealthy relationship? Someone to whom you hold yourself accountable? One couple covenanted at the beginning of their marriage that if ever they felt attraction to someone else, they would immediately tell their partner. After 10 years they still keep that covenant.

Fifth, romancing the home. Paul Newman once explained the success of his marriage by asking why would he go out for MacDonalds when he had filet mignon at home? We can help our marriage to be affair-proof by making ourselves so attrac­tive our partner would be a fool to look anywhere else!

So let’s foster the romance in our homes. Be outward looking to what pleases your partner. Not many blokes are moved by a bunch of flowers, but most women are! Find out what really matters to your part­ner and seek to satisfy them.

Special meals together after the children are asleep, times of physical and emotional intimacy, walks in the park and lots of sur­prises! Romance helps us feel special, cared for and loved. Don’t let the children take the place of your partner as the chief focus of your time and affection.

Our marriages are a precious invest­ment. The care and effort we invest in them will repay us many times over and bring glory to God. To lose our marriage will cost us dearly; to keep it will bring an eternal reward.