Is this really possible? Can someone who is a member of the church ever be lonely? After all, is the very nature of the church not found in the fact that it is an assembly, a congregation, and a fellowship of believers? Do we not confess in the Apostles’ Creed that the church is “the communion of the saints?”

“Lonely in the church” – it just cannot be! It is almost a contradiction to even say this and an insult to even suggest it.

And yet, it does happen. As a pastor I have seen it, and I continue to struggle with it. My heart hurts when I see members who do not seem to fit in; when I see young people in a catechism class keeping to themselves, sitting in a corner and not really mixing with the rest; when I see adults who never get invited anywhere by anyone; when I see them eventually leaving or forever consigned to the fringes.

Causes, Reasons, Factors⤒🔗

Of course, I realize that many factors are at play here. A church may pride itself on its unity, but yet within that unity there is usually an almost endless variety of different faces and personalities. For example, in the church we have members who are really social butterflies. They make friends easily. They are approachable, good conversationalists, and inviting. We also have members who may not be quite so outgoing but who have their friends, relatives and acquaintances. They are quite content to be on their own and to socialize when they choose.

Still, these are not the only kind of people, either in the world or in the church. There are also folks who need company, crave to belong, ache to be part of a group; however, they always seem to end up on the outside looking in. They just do not belong. They do not fit in.

And why is that? It may be that their looks, habits or personalities turn other people off. There are people in life who come over and act in a vulgar manner. They have no table manners. They have an opinion on everything but a knowledge that amounts to nothing. Or, they accept your hospitality and then do not say anything. They have no opinions, no ideas, no insights on anything. In short, there are people who are the authors of their own misfortune.

Yet there are also others. There are members who are normal, friendly, and committed to the Lord, and yet excluded. Why is this? How can this be? It may be that the fault lies not so much with them as the church they are part of.

Unfortunately, there are churches that are composed of different groups, and it is just not that easy to get in. These members tend to invite only those over whom they know, like and share opinions with. Together they feel safe and comfortable. They can let down their hair, vent their spleens and give free reign to their opinions. They are not eager to let others into the inner circle because it disturbs the cozy equilibrium that has been created.

At the same time there are also churches that are dominated by large families. As a result, there are members who are content in socializing with their own relatives. As it is, they may not even have time to visit all the members of the clan, let alone be welcoming to outsiders, newcomers and non-relatives.

Evaluating the Situation←⤒🔗

Well, this is the situation, but now the question needs to be asked, “Should something be done about it? Should this situation be challenged or accepted? How do we respond?” The basic starting point in answering questions of this nature should surely be the Word that God has given to us. Members, believers, children of God need to touch base first with what God says and then examine their actions and relationships in his light. Having said that, we need to ask, “Does God have something to say about all this? Is He concerned about the kind of interaction there is in his church? Is He at all interested in the social life of the church?”

My answer to that would be that God is very interested in all of this. It starts already with the second part of the summary of the law and with those words, “love your neighbour as yourself.” Here we are not even talking about relationships in the church, but about those in the world at large. Yes, and also those need to be governed by love. And what is love but caring, compassion, concern, commitment to others and the willingness to seek their best always? In short, the simple principle of love already dictates that we should deal with others as we want to be dealt with ourselves.

Hence, the question is this, “Would you like it if you came to a new congregation and everyone gave you the cold shoulder? Would you be happy if there was just no way to get close to others and make friends with them? Would you be pleased with a situation in which you just did not belong?” I doubt it. I seriously doubt it.

Now this is just for starters. What happens when we move beyond the general command to love our neighbour? What about the church? There we meet an even further elaboration on the love principle. The apostle Paul tells the Colossian believers and us that we need to dress ourselves “with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” He even adds “bear with each other” (Colossians 3:12, 13). The apostle Peter tells God’s elect that they must have a “sincere love” for their brothers, and adds, “love one another deeply, from the heart” (1 Peter 1:22). And then there is the apostle John. What are his letters but epistles dominated by concerns about fellowship, love and true community?

The only conclusion that we can draw from the Scriptures is that it is the duty and the calling of the church to promote the closest possible bonds between its members. A church that is content to be clannish or cliquish is a church that needs to search its heart seriously about whether it even knows what being church is all about. If the love between God the Father and God the Son is to be a model for the church, then a church cannot and may not settle for anything less.

What Can be Done?←⤒🔗

The inescapable conclusion is, therefore, that a snobby church will not do. But that begs the question, “How to change it? What needs to be done?”

The place to start may very well be the pulpit. If a pastor is of the conviction that the fellowship level in the church he is serving is below par, he needs to address that. And what better way to do that than through the preaching? So how about a series of sermons on the letters of John for openers? Or how about spending a little more time on Lord’s Day 21, Question and Answer 55 of the Heidelberg Catechism, which explains the expression “the communion of saints?”

As a follow-up, it may also be necessary for the elders of the church to have as a theme for their annual visits, “How warm is it in the Church?” Something like that may serve as a good reminder to the members, as an eye opener to others and as an incentive to many.

Another suggestion I would put forward, and that is one that is used in the church that I currently serve, is the setting-up of so-called “host families.” This means that every Lord’s Day one family at least is assigned to be the host, and strangers, visitors or even members who are lonely, are invited to come over and experience Christian hospitality. A further extension of this is a system whereby the deacons get involved and encourage certain members to invite those who are not adjusting or feeling at home in the congregation.

As for those members who are part of large families in a particular church, here is a suggestion: why not set at least one Sunday a month apart and tell the rest of the family that you love them but would rather they come some other day. Make it clear to them that this Sunday is reserved for other members of the church, especially for the singles and those who have no family in the area.

Permit me one last remark. Realize that regular coffee socials at the church, potluck dinners, activity evenings, these and more can also be organized and utilized to draw others in. “Where there is a will,” as the saying goes, “there is always a way.”

In closing, I urge you to find the ways and the means to deal with the lonely in your church. I am sure that they are there. Even without knowing you, I know that they are there. As a matter of fact, they are everywhere and we need to make a concerted and continual effort to deal with them. After all, is this not part of what our Lord expects from us and from his church on earth?