My struggle of faith is a hard struggle and every day I have to fight not to fall back into that hole of questions, revolt and sorrow.

I have a serious illness for which there is no cure. I live with a maimed body, always in pain, day in, day out; I thought, “My whole future ruined.” Everything around me seemed dark. I did not dare to hope for better days. So often I have been disappointed. So often I have prayed, first for a cure, later for a lessening of the pain ... or just that the illness might go into remission.

Nothing Changed⤒🔗

There was no cure or relief; it became even worse. There came a time, therefore, when I did not pray anymore. What good did it do me? My thoughts became darker and the words in the Bible which earlier had given me strength and comfort, had no more meaning for me – I even became angry about them. What good to me are words that say: God will give you whatever you ask when you pray to Him in His Name. And what about: God does everything for your good. I did not want to think about this at all. What “good” is there if you go from being a healthy girl to being an invalid in constant pain?

In the beginning of this year I had radical surgery. In prayer, I had learned to accept that I should have this operation. But then it turned out to be a disappointment. I have been so angry and rebellious. And scared. I wondered, “Did God not hear me? Am I so much worse than everyone else that I have to bear so much?” I doubted everything, including myself and God.

At the same time I felt guilty before God. What right did I have to speak to God in this way? Every day I grieved God with my sins. Every day again I must seek forgiveness for everything I do wrong in thought, word and deed. How can I be angry with God when I have received so much good from Him? Those feelings of guilt before God became so great that I became afraid of them. I have talked a lot about all this with my family, a few good friends, the minister and an elder. Together with the minister I have discussed Rev. C. Bijl’s booklet, As Rich as Job (1989).

I have learned to see what is really important. I have learned to hope in spite of all the negatives. I have learned to believe that God finds me to be just as important as someone else. I am no less than someone else. While I thought that everything was going wrong, I grew in the faith.

Growing in Faith←⤒🔗

I experienced the value of faith. I saw the poverty of those who did not believe in Jesus Christ. Through my sickness and struggle of faith I learned to live consciously and intensely. Because of this I can now mean much more for others.

I have especially learned to talk about my faith and the struggle of faith. I had found my sickness to be senseless and wanted to force God to lead things differently. My sickness, however, has made me live more consciously with God. Although I am weak physically, God has made me strong spiritually and He has made me grow in faith.

I have learned that this is the most important thing in life. Growing in faith is much more important than my health, or my work and leisure activities (although I would love to be able to do all those different things).

My sickness is not gone, the pain stays and I do not understand it all. I still have questions and sometimes I am rebellious. But God has let me experience the most important thing of all in life: His love and faithfulness.