In the area of mental health there is an inclination in our society to seek help primarily from a professional in an office or clinic. Seeing a counsellor, psychologist, psychiatrist, or the like can certainly be helpful, but we must be careful not to lose sight of the fact that God has designed the church community to be the primary context for support, healing, and change. Through the church we are pointed to the Redeemer, through the Word we hear the truth and wisdom of the living God, and through the communion of saints we experience His loving, compassionate care. At the end of the day we don't need a system; we need the Saviour (Tripp, 2002). Our Christian perspective ought to affect how we as church members interact with people struggling with mental health issues, so in keeping with the aim of this magazine and the aims of this short series I will in this article offer some thoughts on how believers who are committed to walking a Scrip­tural way of life can reach out to help their struggling brothers and sisters.

Even when you have no idea what you can do or say to help, there is one thing you can always offer:

The Gift of Listening⤒🔗

I suspect that the most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen ... This simple thing has not been that easy to learn ... A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well intentioned words Remen, 1997

This poem by Stephen Crane, written in 1899, expresses how valuable it is to be truly heard:

There was a man with tongue of wood
Who essayed to sing,
And in truth it was lamentable.
But there was one who heard
The clip-clapper of this tongue of wood
And knew what the man
Wished to sing,
And with that the singer was content.

Giving the gift of listening means putting your own concerns, interests, and opinions on hold in order to put the other person first (Philippians 2:4) and focus completely on understanding his/her point of view. Giving the gift of listening takes courage, patience, and effort (Mackay, 1994). It takes courage because stepping outside of your own comfortable, secure perspective to try to see what life in this world looks like through someone else's eyes can be painful, chaotic, even shocking.

It takes patience because to listen genuinely you must put aside your own opinions, stop thinking about what you are going to say next, and just concentrate completely on what the other person is communicating until you are sure that you have properly grasped it and you sufficiently understand what it is like to be that person. Then, and only then, are you in an appropriate position to respond. "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak" (James 1:19). "If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame" (Proverbs 18:13).

Finally it also takes effort because to listen well you must keep from being distracted by your own thoughts; you must try to be aware of how your own perspec­tive, mindset, assumptions, and expectations might be distorting what you are hearing; you must pay attention to what is being communicated through tone of voice and body language; and you must strive to have empathy by understanding not just the content of what is being said, but also the feeling behind it. Then, once you think you understand what the other person is communicating, it is helpful to reflect it back by paraphrasing it or summarizing it so that both of you can be sure that you have understood correctly, and so that the other person feels truly heard.

However, listening well is more than just a skill; it is ultimately about who you are as a person and how you relate to others. Are you the sort of person that takes pleasure in understanding other people, or are you more eager to express your own opinions or tell them what to do (Proverbs 18:2)? Are you a trustworthy person, or do you use knowledge about other people carelessly or maliciously? Are you more inclined to pray for people or to gossip about them? Do you accept, value, and respect everyone, or do you criticise, judge, and blame those who don't match up to your standards? Do you have perseverance to stick with people, or when the going gets tough are you suddenly nowhere to be found? If you want to be the sort of person that your struggling brothers and sisters can talk openly to, then these are important questions for you to consider, because the gift of listening can only be given from a genuinely and steadfastly humble, caring spirit.

In the other two articles I wrote, I gave objective, somewhat psychological descriptions of some common mental disorders using some of the terminology and the framework of the DSM-5 (one of the most commonly used manuals for diagnosing mental disorders). I did this because I think there is wisdom in having some familiarity with the way that the mental health system talks, and so that when someone you know is diagnosed with a 'mental disorder' you have some awareness of what that diagnosis is saying about what he/she is going through. However, it is more important that you listen well to suffering people themselves to understand better what it is like for them, because no two people have exactly the same experience. Everyone's experience is unique, so even if you have a lot of knowledge about mental health or have been through similar difficulties yourself, be careful not to assume that you know how they think and feel.

Building Up and Growing Up←⤒🔗

So, having listened well to your struggling brother/sister and come to an understanding of what life is like for them, how should you now respond? There isn't an easy answer to this question. Helping hurting people can't be reduced to a magic formula, a one-size-fits-all-approach, or a set of handy tips and tricks. No matter how much knowledge you have, you will always need to use your own wisdom and sensitivity. I will just outline some broad, basic principles to give you a bit of guidance.

Keep in mind your role in the other person's life. You might be a family member, a friend, a teacher, a workmate, a fellow church member. Be careful not to take on the position of physician, consultant, expert, or God. It's not your job to fix people or make them feel better. The truth is, most of the time there is nothing you can say or do to make them okay again. Often the best thing you can do is just let them know that you will stay beside them as they sit in darkness, that you will walk alongside them down even the most difficult paths, that you care for them and will pray for them, their family, and their friends. Fulfil your role in their lives and show love to them as well as you can: be patient, steadfast, kind, compassionate, gentle, and humble (1 Corinthians 13; Galatians 5; Ephesians 4:2-3). Endeavour to speak words that are "true, loving, personal, and appropriate" (Powlison, 2005, p. 6):

Speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into ... Christ. Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. Exhort one another every day. Ephesians 4:15, 29; Hebrews 3:13

Also keep in mind how God is at work in the situation. Bearing one another's burdens will inconvenience you. It will test you. You will likely get hurt, frustrated, and confused. Most of the time we don't know why God's children have to walk through fiery trials, including in the area of mental health. Sometimes God ordains that healing will be a long and slow process, sometimes He sends devastating setbacks, sometimes He decides there will be no healing at all. Yet we know that the Lord is at work even in the most difficult moments of our lives to display His power and grace (2 Corinthians 12) and purify us more and more into His image (Psalm 66:10-12; Romans 5:3-5; James 1:2-5; Colossians 3:10; Hebrews 12:10-11). As the hymn, How Firm a Foundation, puts it:

When through fiery trials thy pathways shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply;
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine.

When someone you love is overwhelmed by suffering and as you walk alongside him/her you get hurt, frustrated, tired, tested, confused, and stretched beyond what you think you can handle, it is worth asking yourself questions like these: What aspects of my sinful nature are being aroused or revealed by these difficult times? Am I responding to my difficult circumstances in any ungodly ways? Think widely: behaviours, desires, fears, goals, expectations, obses­sions, attitudes, priorities, beliefs, fantasies, idols, and so on (Powlison, 1999). Am I relying on or putting my trust in anything other than my Father? How are God's words — His revelation about Himself, His promises, and His commands — relevant to my circumstances? What godly attributes might He be nurturing in me through these difficult circumstances? Yes, these are challenging, probing questions that will probably make you squirm and get defensive. Yet if you are committed to walking in the Spirit you will know that these questions get to the heart of the renewal that God is working in us.

It's easy to get so caught up in being an instrument of God in the lives of others that we lose sight of how He is at work in our own lives. That's why I titled this section, "Building Up and Growing Up." We strive both to build up each other and to grow up ourselves; and we do it all in the strength that God supplies, so that He gets the glory (1 Peter 4:11).

Judgementalism←⤒🔗

I want to share some brief thoughts on the concept of judgementalism, because in the context of mental health it is a word that comes up regularly and I believe it is worth thinking carefully about what it is and is not.

Both judgementalism and non-judgementalism can be unhealthy. Judgementalism is unhealthy when suffering gets labelled as sin, or when sufferers get belittled as worse people or worse Christians than the rest of us. "You have mental health issues because your faith is weak and you don't trust God enough." The tragedy of this type of judgementalism is not only that it pierces saints who are already hurting deeply, but also that it cripples the communion of saints by forcing sufferers into silence. Why would they open up about their struggles if all they can expect in response is misunderstanding and condemnation?

To eradicate judgementalism we must address a deeper issue of which judgementalism is only a symptom. What do you think makes someone a 'good Christian'? If your answer involves anything other than Jesus Christ, then it is moralism, rooted in pride and self-righteousness. The point of going to church is not to show how good we are. "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick" (Matthew 9:12). We go to church to confess that we are pitifully weak and miserable, desperately in need of the saving and sustaining grace of God, the sacrifice and compassion of Jesus, and the renewing power of the Spirit. How sad it is that as Reformed believers we so rightly and rigorously defend a gospel of total depravity and salvation by grace alone, yet so often our actions, demeanour, words, and attitudes toward other people reveal that this gospel does not completely rule our hearts.

There is also an unhealthy type of non-judgementalism that slides into moral relativism (Johnston, 1999) or a-moralism, when anything and everything is approved and sin is denied, excused, or overlooked. This sort of non-judgementalism is weak because it doesn't dare to call out what is wrong. The truth is that all of us whether we suffer from mental health issues, reach out to those who are suffering, or insist on remaining ignorant of mental health issues — are engaged in a lifelong battle to put off the works of the flesh, the old man, and to put on the fruits of the Spirit, the new man (Galatians 5; Colossians 3). We all need wise, loving brothers and sisters to help us identify our idols, our destructive patterns of behaviour, our self-absorption, and so on, "that none of (us) may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin" (Hebrews 3:13). Day by day we all need to repent, to be reminded of the truth, to be reoriented to what really matters.

For us as Christians, being non-judgemental is being compassionate and sensitive, humbly accepting, respecting, and valuing everyone unconditionally, while still maintaining clear biblical discernment and firm conviction about what is right or wrong, spiritu­ally healthy or unhealthy, edifying or destructive. This is not easy to achieve, but I am convinced that it is what we should aim for if our desire is to love each other truly and biblically.

Conclusion←⤒🔗

You've probably noticed that a lot of what I've written in this article is applicable much more broadly than just the topic of mental health. That's deliberate. So often we can be paralysed by feelings of inadequacy, as if ordinary church members don't have sufficient expertise to reach out to people who are struggling with their mental health. But I wanted to show that what we in the communion of saints are (ideally) busy with — listening to each other and speaking truth in love, building relationships, being purified together through fiery trials — is relevant also when it comes to mental health issues. To finish off this series of articles I wish to share a quote from a recent blog post by Kevin DeYoung (2015), whose words about how we reach out to people struggling with same-sex attraction are, I think, relevant also to how we reach out to people who suffer in their mental health:

There are plenty of people with far more experience in these areas, but my humble advice is not to over-think things too much. No doubt, there are unique challenges in ministering to gays and lesbians, but the way we phrase the question can unintentionally place such persons in a category outside the bounds of normal human existence. Whatever the particular struggles, let's not forget that we are more like each other than we are different. We are all created in the image of God. We all struggle with a sin nature. We all need a Saviour. We are all idol factories. We all want to know we are loved. We all need to repent and be forgiven. Ask questions, listen, share, pray, turn to the Bible, show compassion, point people to Jesus — that's the basic charge for all of us with anyone.