The Mangere Ladies asked for this topic so as to be better prepared to help those close to them. In doing my research, though, I have come to realise that this is a bit more than it seems. Actually, it covers everyone you could ever come into contact with. The Bible is very clear on this. It is not only someone we have a distinct relationship with, it is anyone we meet. Like one quote goes, “There are no strangers here – only friends you have yet to meet!”

The Hebrew word for friend, rea, appears 187 times and is used for friend, neighbour, or associate – whether close or occasional. Our Lord Himself showed the extensive breadth of this word when he quoted Leviticus 19 verse 18, “You shall love your rea as yourself.” We know rea as neighbour – but it’s this same word for friend.

So when we have the subject of helping friends, we are really talking about being open to helping anyone at all. And isn’t that what stands out about Christians most of all? Shouldn’t those around us see, even in a brief encounter with us, the difference there is in us?

I think we are all too painfully aware of the reality. We aren’t like that at all. Some of the situations raised by our Mangere Ladies show where we have failed to be true friends.

Does that mean, though, we’re trying to do the impossible? Rather than end up hurting someone else again, shouldn’t we leave any help up to the professionals? There are other people a lot better at helping with those problems than we are.

That’s the view many people take. They are like the priest and the Levite who make the choice to pass by on the other side. Their own personal comfort is what counts – whether they do that deliberately, or, as is more often the case, they do that without realising they’re doing that.

Where True Friendship Begins⤒🔗

Naturally we turn to God’s Word for this. And it is in John’s Gospel chapter 15, the verses 9 till 17, that we see the Lord pointing out a distinctive change that is occurring in His relationship with His own people – those who would part of the Church. The change is such that Jesus now calls us His friends and not His servants, which He described believers as being before.

The reason why, lies in what our Lord Himself is about to go through. It is His doing and dying for us which brings us into the fullest fellowship with Him – a fellowship in which we are empowered by the Holy Spirit to be as Christ Himself is to the world.

Note that – as Christ Himself. What the Old Testament believers could only have a glimpse of we share completely in. Where the Old Testament believers needed to go to certain spirit-filled people in order to have God’s guidance and be able to go His way, we have in our very selves. The Temple of God is no longer on top of a hill in Palestine – it’s on the hearts of all believers.

That’s why we’re friends now. We are able to share. And we are able to share nothing less than the Gospel itself – the good news Jesus Christ came to proclaim and to fulfil in Himself.

Yet it may seem that these verses aren’t exactly helping us learn to be friends. That’s true. These words tell us, though, that we are true friends because we are friends with The Greatest Friend.

There are no options here. If we truly believe, we have to truly love. In the words of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, who died in a concentration camp because he was Jesus’ friend, “He who can no longer listen to his brother will soon no longer be listening to God, either.”

Where the Bible Deals with this Most←⤒🔗

We have seen the basis for being friends. This is not an option. This is what we are. So – let’s be this. Let’s turn to the scripture which deals most with what being a friend is. Could anyone hazard a guess to where that might be? Where would we most likely find the wisdom on this? (That’s a clue by the way!)

Yes, it’s one of those books of wisdom, the Book of Proverbs. And as we find in the nature of Proverbs, it’s a teaching that is found in those little proverbs dispersed throughout this book.

Many of us would be familiar with many similar proverbs that crop up during Proverbs. It doesn’t have the kind of structure that we in the western world have, but consists of different collections of sayings, mostly from Solomon, but also from others too.

As we look up “friends” in Proverbs, through the word rea, we come across on 32 occasions. Looking through these we find that most bring out a particular attribute which helps those we have some acquaintance with - whether close friends or right across the range to your neighbour next door.

When we look at those a little closer we can divide those attributes describing a good friend in to four areas.

These four areas describe a good friend as being faithful, truthful, fruitful, and tactful. Let’s look at each of these and match up our own life experiences against them.

A Good Friend is Faithful←⤒🔗

In Proverbs 14 verse 20 we read, The poor are shunned even by their neighbours, but the rich have many friends.

But let’s not stop there. Proverbs 19 verse 4 says Wealth brings many friends, but a poor man’s friend deserts him.

Then a couple of verse down there are the verses 6 and 7: Many curry favour with a ruler, and everyone is the friend of the man who gives gifts.

A poor man is shunned by all his relatives how much more do his friends avoid him!

Though he pursues them with pleading, they are nowhere to be found.

These four verses are not exactly extolling the faithfulness of a friend – are they? We would say that these friends are fair-weather friends. They’re not really friends at all. And that’s precisely it! Proverbs shows us what a good friend is like by pointing out the bad friends.

There are many of those around. Like the prodigal son, whose friends left him when his money ran out in that far away country, so there are these sort of people today – even in the church!

Do you know someone like that? Perhaps you’ve been like that. It’s all hunky-dory when things are going well, but as soon as there’s a crisis in that family you stay well away.

I have seen a number of friendships change forever when a difficult situation hits a family. Those who were their friends couldn’t handle it. Things were a little too uncomfortable for them.

And who among us likes it when a husband and wife separate, or a child suddenly dies, or a serious life-threatening or life-changing illness strikes?

This type of friendship is better described as a ‘me-ship’. It’s all fine until it doesn’t suit me anymore.

So let’s see what faithful really means. We turn now to Proverbs 18 verse 24: A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Here we see the fair-weather friends and the faithful friend. I think we know which one we would rather have – don’t we? Mind you, we’re not always wise enough to know. I have known a colleague in the ministry who failed to recognise this essential difference and it later resulted in much trouble for his ministry. For that “friend” was friendly only to serve his own interests. If he had listened to the other leaders in the church it would have saved much heartbreak. King Zedekiah was warned of this too, as we can read in Jeremiah 38, but it was also in vain.

Let’s learn some more, then, about the faithful friend. That will at least help us to distinguish more clearly the difference, and so know a good friend – and even better, to be a good friend.

We go to chapter 17 verse 17: A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

This reminds me of the saying, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going!” It’s true – isn’t it? When times are hard, then you know who your friends are. So are you there for your sister in the Lord when she’s pulled out of the Ladies Fellowship altogether?

But let’s make it a bit harder – you see, you had quite a difference once. It got a bit personal. And it’s kind’ve a relief she’s not coming anymore. You certainly wouldn’t call her a friend. But, then, were you a friend?

Proverbs is not saying either that we can’t be unfairly imposed upon. The next verse, verse 18, is clear enough about avoiding being abused. Still – has it hurt our pride a little to try?

In connection we this, there is what we read in chapter 27, verse 10:

Do not forsake your friend and the friend of your father, and do not go to your brother’s house when disaster strikes you – better a neighbour nearby than a brother far away.

This is talking not about what we receive from a friendship but especially what we give. This is faithfulness. Referring to that old friend of the family is about loyalty. He or she may be droll company compared with some of the newer or younger folk in your congregation, and they were your parent’s friends after all, but they’re still there! And they keep on being there!

A Good Friend is Truthful←⤒🔗

Secondly, there is the attribute of being truthful. Again, let’s see this negatively first of all.

We turn to chapter 29, verse 5: Whoever flatters his neighbour is spreading a net for his feet.

Flattering isn’t just saying some nice words to someone about them. It is entangling that person by the craving it induces and by the ill-judged actions it invites. You see, we would like to believe it is true, and we are such a person. By a continued association with that person we allow ourselves to get caught. Like my colleague was drawn into a situation where he ended up feeling obligated to share completely confidential information altogether. And it had started because of the nice words that other person had said about his preaching.

What is happening in 29:5 is the telling of a lie. A good friend however is careful to be truthful.

This we see in chapter 27, verse 6: The kisses of an enemy may be profuse, but faithful are the wounds of a friend.

Even though a friend may hurt us by the truth, we accept it from him because he is good friend. He’s not trying to trick us – in fact, by being brutally honest with us, he’s putting his friendship on the line!

Elsewhere in the Old Testament, in 1 Kings 1, the example stands out of how David had not been honest with his son Adonijah, that he wasn’t meant to reign after him. Even when Adonijah was obviously preparing himself to be king, by gathering together a suitable number of chariots to herald his coming, David still failed to be truthful.

While we should be a lot more suspicious when someone who hasn’t been so close to us suddenly becomes quite chummy, we usually end up trusting him or her more at first than we do our old friend. This is the entanglement process all over again. Wasn’t it Judas who in betraying Jesus kissed Him?

So if you have been very honest to a friend, you also need to understand that she probably won’t realise it for a while. As it says in chapter 28, verse 23:

He who rebukes a man will in the end gain his favour than he who has a flattering tongue.

A Good Friend is Interactional←⤒🔗

We consider now the third general area of being a good friend. This is that a good friend is interactional. Something I’m sure we would all see as quite obvious. Friendship is something that we do with someone else. As humans we thrive on social company. Without it we literally shrivel up and die.

This aspect of being interactional though is different. You see, it’s not what we immediately think of when we think of being a friend – you know, like remembering someone’s birthday or another special occasion. Yet it couldn’t be more important to being a friend.

Let me explain. There are two sayings in chapter 27 which give us two ways to being interactional. Two ways which show two sides of the same coin.

First there is verse 9: Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel.

Here there’s a cheering effect to the fellowship we have as friends. You give a reassurance: “That’s great”; “You’re on the right track”; “You know, I’d do the same”; “Don’t be down – put it in the big picture”; “Look at what you’ve done so far!”; “Where would we be without you.”

This is specific too. We identify what we’re supporting. We even make a point of helping them or being there if that’s appropriate. Corrie Ten Boom described this encouragement with these words, “If God sends us on stony paths, he provides strong shoes.”

And how about this example from 1st Samuel 23:

While David was at Horesh in the Desert of Ziph, he learned that Saul had come out to take his life. And Saul’s son Jonathan went to David at Horesh and helped him find strength in God. 'Don’t be afraid,' he said. 'My father Saul will not lay a hand on you. You will be king over Israel, and I will be second to you. Even my father Saul knows this.'1 Samuel 23:15-17

Now wasn’t that a word in time? It’s a part of what being a good friend is about. So – do we look for when it’s the right time? When someone we know well enough, because we know the difficulty they’re going through clear enough, do we go out of our way to encourage them?

This is being interactional. And if you’re afraid that they might not like you seeming to “interfere” then may I suggest you need to hear about the second side to being interactional.

We find this in verse 17 of chapter 27: As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

This is certainly interactional, though not now on the warmly supportive, encouraging, side of this. This is stimulating contact. Here is when a friend will take your friendship as an agreement that you need to be worked on.

I have a friend in Perth who specialises in this. He saw it as his particular task to work on this ‘jonge broekje’. We often had our sessions where he would openly argue a point with me. I miss him. Sometimes I would like to pick up the phone and ruffle his ears over there. But I know he would then challenge me to find that kind of company here, and I have. Though it’s not quite the same as him.

Do you know someone like that? Are you someone like that? In our wimpy modern age, where society is so very politically correct and everyone is said to have the absolute right to do their own thing, the church is missing this element to friendship. Perhaps in the past it may have come with a Dutch gruffness. Maybe the words could have been better phrased. But surely we know our friends – don’t we?

The aspect of being interactional in a good friend is both reassuring and bracing. It also very appropriately did away with a nice alliteration that I was trying to have in this talk!

A Good Friend is Tactful←⤒🔗

We come to the last of our four aspects to what makes up a good friend. A good friend is also tactful.

Being tactful means respecting someone else’s feelings. Being tactful means refusing to manipulate someone else’s feelings. Proverbs gives us some clear examples of tactlessness. Like in chapter 25, verse 17: Seldom set you foot in your neighbour’s house – too much of you, and he will hate you.

This is something I have learned in ministry – at least I hope I’ve learned it! It is better to leave someone in hospital or at their home while they’d still like you to stay longer, than for them to wonder when you’re ever going to go. My ideal time for a hospital visit in ten to fifteen minutes. What more would be helpful in that kind of place. Mind you, that has to go along with popping in regularly if they stay in hospital becomes a long one.

I also recognise this when I preach or give a talk like this. There is a sense of being here on your invitation and I shouldn’t overstay! One comment I appreciate is when folk say to me after a church service, “You know Mr Bajema, for me you could have kept on preaching for a lot longer.”

So if friends say that to you, “You know I could’ve had you stay longer,” I think you’re being tactful.

Let’s turn to another side to being tactful. Chapter 27, verse 14: If a man loudly blesses his neighbour early in the morning, it will be taken as curse.

Have you met that person? Perhaps it was on a church camp, just as you were struggling to meet the world on a cold winter’s morning. And there you meet him or her – the Regimental Sergeant Major – beaming from ear to ear and demanding to know why you’re not doing the same. “The suns shining, the breeze is fresh, you’re healthy – why are you looking like that?” they virtually bark at you. Not very tactful.

But, then, how about chapter 25, verse 20: Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on soda, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart. This is so tactless it is even cruel. But that’s what we can be like to each other. If we can be concerned as to how cruel children can be to each other, where do you think they learned it from?

To pour vinegar on soda is deliberate provocation. I know someone who likes vinegar on a lot of things, but even that little man wouldn’t put it on his lemonade!

Out of this failure to be tactful there comes such things as what we see in chapter 26, the verses 18 and 19: Like a madman shooting firebrands or deadly arrows is a man who deceives his neighbour and says, “I was only joking!”

A good friend thinks about what they’re doing. They put themselves in the shoes of the other person. In the words of the apostle Paul to the Romans, chapter 12 verse 15, they Rejoice with those who rejoice and they mourn with those who mourn.

And how do we know which way they feeling? We listen. Not the kind of listening which is a brief moment until we can start to dominate the conversation. This has to be the listening where we really get to hear what they’re going through. We are aiming to have the kind of relationship in Ecclesiastes chapter 4, the verses 1 till 12. That’s a Christian connection, because we actually cross ourselves off.

We really can’t get away from identifying with those around other than as Jesus showed us in His life among us. The wisdom in Proverbs was personified in His life and especially in His death. In the words of 1st Corinthians 1, He “has become for us wisdom from God – that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption.” (v30)