I often thought that young children because of their age and resilience are not as affected by the illness and death of a loved one as adults are. This was proven to be wrong when my husband became terminally ill with cancer. It was hard enough for me and my adult children to come to terms with the disease and to prepare for the death of our loved one, but we were not prepared for the reaction of the grandchildren. They all reacted differently but they were all affected. This made us realise that we were not equipped to help them each individually through this difficult time. I looked around for some Christian story books that we could use to explain to them what was going on and what to expect during the time leading up to the death and burial. Our minister was of great help as he obtained some books which explained in simple terms what cancer and death are like for a believer. He also asked me to write an article with a brief review of the books so that other families in the same situation can benefit from them. Before I review the books I want to share some information from professional Christians who deal with this issue on a daily basis.

• There are several myths surrounding death and grieving of young children:
• Infants and toddlers are too young to grieve
• Adults can easily explain death
• The grief of adults does not affect the bereaved child
• Adults should avoid topics that make children cry
• An active playing child is not a grieving child
• Children need to get over their grief and move on
• Children are better off not attending funerals.

One statement I came across a few times was: "Children old enough to love are old enough to grieve". Grief is complex and will vary from child to child, but there are distinct differences in how children at different ages experience and express grief and we have to understand this in order to help the children effectively. Grief that is not expressed may result in later social and mental dysfunction.

• Infants to two year olds have no understanding of death. If it is a parent or sibling they may keep asking for them and waiting for that person to return. They are most affected by the sadness of the people around them. They express their sadness by clinging behaviour, difficulty sleeping or eating and crying.
• Three to six year olds often have 'magical thinking' and experience the world as a mix of reality and fantasy. They find it hard to accept that death is final and believe death is temporary or even reversible. At this age they are very focussed on themselves and may blame themselves or believe they caused the death because they were bad or they may think that by being good they can make the dead person come back. They find it hard to put their feelings into words and instead react through behaviour, which may include: irritability, aggression, difficulty sleeping and re­gression such as bedwetting or thumb sucking.
• Six to twelve year olds understand that death is final and will happen to everyone eventually. They may experience a range of emotions such as guilt, anger, shame, anxiety, sadness and wor­ry about their own death. They may also react through behaviour such as poor performance at school, aggression, withdrawal from friends and regression.
• Thirteen to eighteen year olds have an adult understanding of death but don't have the experiences or coping skills of an adult. The reality of death contradicts teenagers' view of themselves as invincible and they may start to question their faith. Coping strategies may create tensions within families as adolescents may cope by spending more time with friends or from withdrawing from the family to be alone.

Keep in mind that children do not move abruptly from one stage to the next and features from each stage may overlap. Young children cannot reflect on their thoughts and emotions like adults so they will need many short conversations. Adults may need to repeat the same information many times and children may ask the same questions often as they try to make sense of the difficult information.

Death is not always sudden, quite often a long or short illness precedes death. With the prevalence of cancer this is often the case, also in our community. During the time leading up to death it is important to keep informing children of what is going on. They know something is wrong but don't always understand it and start worrying. There is no need to go into details but it is important to prepare children for the fact that this illness may lead to death. This is a wonderful opportunity to pray with your children and to teach them to pray for the sick person as well. Explain that God always listens to our prayers but does not always answer them in the way we would like. Even when we pray for healing and recovery we have to accept that God's plans are different from ours and He may think it best that our loved one goes to be with Him. Explain that for the sick person this is a wonderful thing to be with God forever, but for us it is very sad because we will miss the loved one very much. But even then we can pray and God will help us cope with our grief.

Here are some tips to help young children through the grieving process.

• Be honest. Don't tell them that their loved one has gone to sleep or gone away. This will leave them wondering if they will die when they go to sleep or if the person is coming back
• Don't delay telling them that their loved one has died. If you wait someone else may tell them or they may overhear it in a conversation.
• Answer questions. Some children are satisfied with the facts; others will ask a multitude of questions like the child who asked the title of this article. Allow questions and admit it if you don't know the answer. It is hard to overestimate the value children place on information.
• Recognise fear. Death can be a very scary concept for children. If they don't want to view the body or attend the funeral don't force the issue.
• Share your grief so children can see grieving is acceptable and emotional pain is part of losing a loved one.
• Talk about the loved one and share memories. Let them express their feelings through story writing and drawing. Reassure your children that it is not disloyal to the person who died to feel happy and to have fun.
• Ensure your children that they are not to blame for the death, it was God's decision and had nothing to do with what they did or did not do.

Some books that can be helpful are:

• What happened when Grandma died by Peggy Barker. This is a story book which tells what events happen after a person has died so children have a fair idea what is going on around them.
• Sad isn't bad (a good-grief guidebook for kids dealing with loss) by Michaelene Mundy. Each short chapter deals with a question your child might have eg "Where is your loved one now". The only chapter I was hesitant about was the one called: "Your loved one is a special friend". It gives the impression that the loved one is still actively involved in the child's life. One sentence says: "You may even feel that the person who died is guiding or helping you in your life". I can only agree if it means that the dead person's legacy will live on and help the child make good decisions in life.
• Are you sad little bear (a book about learning to say goodbye) by Rachel Rivett. This is a picture story book for very young children.
• When Someone You Love Has Cancer (a guide to help kids cope) by Alaric Lewis. Each short chapter deals with a question your child may have eg "What is Cancer?" it is similar to the "Sad isn't bad" book. (All these books are avail­able from Koorong)

For older children I would suggest using appropriate Bible chapters as a base for discussion. Some suggestions are:

• Psalm 23
• John 14:1-4
• Rev 14:13
• Rev 21:1-4
• Romans 8:38,39
• Math 11:28-30
• Phil 4:6,7