What Exactly is a Friendlationship?⤒🔗

A friendlationship is simply the term given to the connection that ex­ists between a male and female that spend time almost exclusively with one another but who are “just friends” rather than being in a dat­ing relationship. While the defini­tion seems rather simple, the actual friendlationship can be and often is quite complex. If you have ever been involved in such a connection or suspect that you are involved in one, then this article is for you.

The Friendlationship: a Phenomenon of this Generation←⤒🔗

Perhaps you have had this conversation with one of your parents:

PARENT: “Where are you going?”
YOU: “Out for dinner”
PARENT: “With who?”
YOU: “(insert name of friend of the opposite gender)”
PARENT: “so it’s a date?”
YOU: “No, it’s not a date. We’re just friends.”
PARENT: “I don’t get it. In my day if you went out for dinner it was called a date.”
YOU: “Welcome to the 21st century.”

It can be easy to disregard the wisdom of one’s parents who clearly do not understand the dynamics of modern relationship complexities. However, considering the blurring of gender roles and the confusion that can be caused by having a friendlationship, perhaps it is time for modern Christian singles to heed the advice of their parents.

The Causes and Potential Dangers of Friendlationships←⤒🔗

In today’s society, gender roles have become blurred and indistinct. The mes­sage that young people receive from the media is one of non-difference. Even when one limits one’s exposure to media sources, the pervading idea about gender roles in our society is that there is no difference between males and females. In Christian circles, many people have “kissed dating goodbye” which has resulted in males and females forming connec­tions as friends without actually dating each other. Having deep friendships with mem­bers of the opposing gender is encouraged and promoted. However, while males and fe­males can be friends on some level, such friendlationships often lead to heartache and confusion for at least one mem­ber of the connection.

Perhaps you think that you are above the relational dangers that come with having such a connection with a member of the opposite gender. Having recently ended a two and a half year friendlationship, I have noticed some issues that I think are important to share.

A friendlationship can be a cheap substitute for an actual relationship. While you are wait­ing for Miss/Mr Right, you may be finding the company of a male/female friend to be fulfill­ing the need that you have for a close con­nection with a member of the opposite sex. This is dangerous for a number of reasons.

First, one member of this friendla­tionship might find that he or she has deeper feelings for the other member and might be waiting for the other member to realize what a wonderful couple they would make. That person will jump at the chance to spend time with the other, will invest his or her heart and hopes on the other, and will stop looking for other options. When this happens and the feelings are not mutual then the person who invested everything may become confused, hurt and incapable of breaking away from a friendlationship that is not healthy for him or her. In this situation, the one in love begins to resemble an obsessive addict while the one not in love begins to appear to be a cold and calloused person who is taking unfair advantage of the other’s emotions and commitment.

A second danger of the friendlationship is the tendency of both members to share their emotional and spiritual burdens. Very good friends often share one another’s burdens. However, this part of friendship can be unhealthy when the friend that you are sharing these burdens with is a different gender from you. This truth remains: guys and girls are different. Thus, for a girl to tell a guy about her spiritual and emotional struggles (even in the context of asking for prayer) she is actually giving him a measure of spiritual headship. Likewise, a guy who leans on a girl for emotional and spiritual support is treating her like a help-meet. The wonder of genders being able to support one another in this way is a gift from the Lord. However, if you give this part of yourself over to somebody who is not your husband or wife or a potential husband or wife, then you are tak­ing something away from that eventual relationship. Even if you do not become physically involved within your friendlationship, the emotional and spiritual side of yourself may be given over to the wrong person. Can asking for prayer be a sin? Obviously each situation is different and you need to know for yourself. Just make sure that the prayer requests that you share with a friend of the opposite gender does not bind you too closely to him or her in an unhealthy way.

A third danger of the friendlationship is that actual suitors may be scared away from seeking a commitment from either member. No man or woman wants his or her spouse to be really close friends with a different member of the op­posite sex. As a result of sin, humans are possessive and jealous. If you have a serious friendlationship with somebody then actual suitors may assume you to be “taken” and ignore you. Even if you do begin a relationship with somebody outside of the friendlationship, your connection with another man or woman may unsettle the person that you are in a relationship with. In this way, you are causing pain to the people that you profess to care about.

Where do we go from here?←↰⤒🔗

Everybody wants to be cared about and to form meaningful relationships with other people. When you form a friendship, you invest something of yourself in that person. Friendship is normally considered a positive thing. It took me two years to realize that some friendships (even between Christians) can be unhealthy and wrong. In a previous issue of the Youth Messenger, we examined Biblical ex­amples of friendship; in each case the friendships discussed were same-gender. The tendency for young people to create deep and meaningful friendships with members of the opposite gender that they are not dating is as recent as this gen­eration. I challenge you to examine the friendships that you have with members of the opposite gender. Are these friendlationships really healthy for either one of you? As Christ showed us, true friendship is about self sacrifice:

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.John 15:13

While examining your friendlationships consider this: perhaps the best way to be a true friend to a member of the opposite gender is to simply walk away. The solution to the friendlationship problem is this: form deep and meaning­ful friendships with members of the same gender and reserve relationships for members of the opposing gender. If you are unsure whether or not you want to consider a member of the opposite gender as a potential mate then do not allow your connection to proceed past the level of a casual acquaintance.