Debby and I were married on December 18, 1976. By the time you read this, we will have celebrated our 15th anniversary. Many of you have been married far longer and many not so long – if at all. Why then write this article? I pray that God would use it for his glory by reminding, informing, or reproving each of us concerning his wondrous gift of marriage. I share these thoughts out of love for him, for you, and for my sweetheart.

First, I would like to frankly interact with one of the Scripture texts that the Holy Spirit has used in directing my life with Debby. Ephesians 5:25 states:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

In my relationship with Debby, this verse has been the one most often in my mind and prayers. It is a command (present imperative) to love continuously as Jesus loves me. How does Jesus love the church? That is how I am to love my wife.

Jesus loves us with a unique love. He loves the church differently than he loves the world (John 10:11; 17:9). My wife should never wonder if my love for her is one of a kind. My eyes should sparkle when I look at her in a different way than when I look at any other woman. And she should feel this because love is perceivable – it is obvious. I sin when I do not so love her.

Christ's love is a serving, giving love (Mark 10:43-45). Saving grace enables a man to be the head of his house without being a despotic king. I am just beginning to discover that even in marriage "it is more blessed to give than to receive" (Acts 20:35). That means to ask how her day went – and then listen! It means to share words of love and appreciation with her often, to enjoy meeting her needs, to have her agenda be my agenda. The little time I have spent in thus loving my wife has produced the most fulfilling times of marriage.

Jesus' love is a forgiving love. Pride doesn't want to forgive until the other grovels in humiliation. I can be so unmerciful and rigid. Jesus does not reproach for past sins, so why do I? What benefit has ever come by not forgiving or seeking swift reconciliation with my wife? Pride destroys marriages. How often have I thought, "I'm not going to speak until she apologizes"? But Jesus' love is an initiating love (1 John 4:19). He doesn't wait for us to come. He draws us and enables us to come. Husbands should be initiators of reconciliation whenever division occurs. This process will not decrease our manhood in the sight of our wives, but will increase their respect for us. Do we think less of Jesus for seeking us out?

Jesus loves me with a gentle love, even though he is the Almighty One!

Some of us have strong, passionate personalities. That helps us to build churches, motivate people, and preach with power, I guess. But it can hurt our marriages. It is easy to crush the tender flowers in our homes. Jesus would not break the bruised reed, so meek and kind was he. How will I need my choleric spirit harnessed by his Spirit. Why do the children run to Mommy with their problems? Is it because it's her place to console the kids and mine to discipline them? I deceive myself if I think that such is the case. They go to her because she is more tender and understanding than I am.

It is one thing to write these things and quite another to do them day by day. I have utterly fallen short of God's command to love my wife in a Christ-like way. But, I am not doomed to fail as much in the future as I have in the past. Praise the Lord!

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.Philippians 4:13

I will pray for grace to be like Christ, to be filled with his Spirit so that I may be a more loving husband today and in the days to come.

Second, I want to mention a few of the lessons I have learned (or am learning) after 15 years of marriage.

Lemuel asks, A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.Proverbs 31:10

Women of holiness, faith, and diligence are hard to find today, too. Why? Because parents are not faithfully raising their daughters to become such women – or their sons to look and pray for such girls! I have been blessed by the covenant faithfulness of my wife's parents and my own parents. Good girls don't just happen, especially today. In marrying Debby I have certainly found "what is good" and received "favor from the Lord" (Proverbs 18:22). Will my daughters' husbands say the same thing? Will my son seek such a girl? I need grace daily to keep these important questions on my agenda and to faithfully raise my children "in the training and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4).

I have come to appreciate my wife's differences of opinion far more than I used to. I used to accuse her of not being spiritual when she disagreed with me. I'd sort of berate her for her hesitations, even with a barrage of Bible verses. Instead of listening to her words as plausible alternatives, I looked at her as "my little Peter" – you know, "Get behind me, Satan!" I have been a gigantic fool in this regard. Somehow Proverbs 12:15 applied to every other context apart from my relationship with her: "The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice." I am learning to listen better and to consider her counsel carefully. I thank God for the grace that he has given to her to bear with me!

I have learned that our marriage cannot work without prayer. It needs a lot of prayer – both personal prayer and family prayer. I love to pray with my wife and children. This is a grace.

Nothing has been more helpful in making decisions than the Bible verses we have memorized.

His Word is truly a lamp to [our] feet and a light for [our] path.Psalm 119:105

It is vital to take God's Word as our standard for conduct instead of the passing "wisdom" of our culture. We try to lead our family in looking at our culture through the "glasses of the Bible." Nothing looks right if it is put of focus with God's Way. This is difficult when so few around us take the Bible seriously. What does the Bible teach us about TV, dating, clothing, work, money, time etc? We are constantly interacting with our four children on these themes. It's tough work sometimes, but very rewarding.

Finally, I'll mention the importance of being honest in all things, both big and little. God has so ordained the entire plan of redemption "that no one may boast before him" (Corinthians 1:29). Whatever has worked in my marriage has been the result of his wondrous grace. The wife I cherish and the children I love are all gifts of his grace to me. I have been enriched by them. I am a redeemed sinner, but still a sinner in need of my Savior, moment by moment. Without him I can do nothing (John 15:5).

My failures are real. They are always with me. My wife and my children see them. If I do not war against my sins, I will be overcome by them. If I demand more of my wife and children than I am willing to deliver to God, then I am living a lie, a giant hoax. And I cannot walk in fellowship with the Lord, who walks only in the light (1 John 1:5-7). So, I try constantly to direct their attention to our perfect Substitute, with living faith, and away from their erring husband and father.