In pastoral counseling it may occur that church members confront the office-bearers with ethical questions. There are a variety of typical areas in which these questions arise:

• husband — wife relationship
• parents — children relationship
• starting or breaking forbidden relationships
• personal sexual problems
• problems in the family
• problems in relationship to other members of the congregation or to the congregation as a whole
• questions with reference to abortion, euthanasia, suicide, possibly occasioned by situations in one's own life or of loved ones, friends or neighbours
• employment or unemployment
• changing jobs
• questions with reference to the environment, not merely in general, but concerning what can we or what must we do to counter further pollution of the environment: live more soberly, not purchase certain products, make less use of the automobile and make more use of the public transit system? how ought we to manage our income — how much may one spend for oneself and what is to be shared with others?
• reporting tax and filling in tax forms
• which school or education ought we to choose for the children?

1. First Phase: Listen⤒🔗

What are we to do and what are we not to do? The first thing is to listen. Try to enter into his/her situation. Try to gauge what personal questions may be hidden behind the 'problem.' Feel free to ask questions at various points in order to get a clearer picture (although you need to be careful not to interrupt all the time and get him/her off-track). Show that you are interested and that you are trying to place yourself in his/her 'shoes.'

May you ask extremely personal questions that are of a very confidential and private nature? It depends on your motive. If it is because you are simply curious, it is not appropriate. If you feel you need to have more confidential information in order to be able to come to an informed opinion, you may ask if it is appropriate for you to raise such a question. Do indicate to the person that you are aware that this may be too sensitive an issue and give him/her the opportunity to decline to answer. If he/she refuses to do so or says they cannot do so, you may feel you cannot be of further help. Say so honestly, without using this situation to put pressure on him/her. It is also possible to indicate that in view of insufficient information your advice can only be provisional.

At any rate, the first phase of counselling is asking the person to clearly define the problem and by raising various pertinent questions to try to obtain some additional information. It will be helpful to summarize the information to see if he/she agrees. Ask: "Do I understand this correctly, or are there more angles, which I have missed?" Such a summary can be quite helpful for the person you are conversing with because it puts the problem into focus. Do not exclude the details that substantially qualify the problem. This should lead to a question, which can be introduced as follows: "Do I understand you correctly if I formulate your question in this way? Is this the difficulty you are facing?"

At this point you should not yet suggest an answer. Neither may you over-emphasize merely one aspect or under-emphasize an aspect. You are to formulate the problem honestly, as you hear it and as has been clarified by the questions you have raised.

2. Second Phase: Listen to the Word and Apply the Word←⤒🔗

What is your task in the second phase?

You need to ask, what does God say in His Word? To give advice it is indispensable to listen carefully to the Word of God.

You need to apply the Word to the specific case. The important thing here is to take a decision before the face of God.

Such counsel had a place in Reformed pastoral care.¹ When presbyters were ordained in the early centuries A.D., the church prayed for the gift of the Spirit. It asked for the Spirit of ''grace and counsel," referring to the seventy elders of Israel in Numbers 11. The Form for the Ordination of Elders and Deacons spells out as the third duty of the elders that they are "to assist the ministers of the Word with good counsel and advice." The elders give this "counsel" at consistory meetings as well as in personal conversations with the members.

Voetius mentions giving advice, exhortations, corrections and answers to questions put to the pastors. He distinguishes between public and private preaching and application of the Word. From this we may conclude that Voetius regarded it as part of the pastor's task to provide counsel and considered that task to be a special form of preaching and application of the Word.

Note that personal insights are not to enter into the difficult situation of life. Your life experiences and wisdom are not decisive. Rather, you must let God's Word speak. It is your task to apply the Word of God to the concrete situation in the form of counsel. This task distinguishes the elder's counsel from every other form of counsel involved in psychotherapy, psychology or psychiatry.

Counsel←⤒🔗

Your counsel should let the Word of God speak. Counsel also contains an aspect of discipline, but it should be discipline in love. We clearly encounter this in the book of Proverbs. "Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that you may be wise in your latter end" (Prov. 9:20, cf. 1:25, 30 and 15:33). Discipline is implied in counsel because such counsel proceeds from the Word of God. The Word of God includes discipline. The German word for discipline is related to the word "to draw" (ziehen). The Word of God draws or seeks to draw man to the LORD. Your task in the second phase of the visit consists of giving counsel as application of the Word of God in the life of the member of the congregation.

What is that counsel like? Be sure that you do not take the responsibility for taking the decision out of the hands of the member of the congregation. If you do so, you will no longer be a counsellor. In your own personal life you make personal decisions for yourself. It is important to recognize the appro­priate boundaries here. The member of the congregation continues to be responsible for his/her decision. As office bearer you need to underline this responsibility.

It may be that there is another boundary for the member of the congregation. As office bearer you sometimes can say more clearly how it is not to be than how it is to be. In the epistles we find that the apostles forbid and warn against certain sins. We also know that eight of the Ten Commandments are formulated negatively and clearly forbid certain sins. That does not mean that the Bible is more negative than positive. It is best to learn to say things both positively and negatively.

Three Extremely Important Factors for Counselling

• What motivates the person who is asking for counsel? Is it love to God and the neighbour and then also self? (consider the sequence!)
• What do you, the counsellor, have in mind? What are you after? Do you wish to serve the other person in love and deny yourself? Or do you desire control and success?
• By what means do you wish to attain help? Do you also place the means under the authority of the Word?

Prayer←⤒🔗

Prayer is to have a central place in all counseling. The member her/himself needs to pray as well as the office bearer who should pray with the member of the congregation. We must pray for his love to abound more and more in insight and wisdom in order to be able to discern and approve the "things that are excellent."

We must pray that we might "be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ; being filled with the fruits of righteous­ness, which are by Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God" (Philippians 1:9-11).

What is it that the Lord will have me to do? We must ask the Lord for insight and wisdom to make the right decision and to select the right means. Love seeks the fruit of righteousness and the honour of God.

In conclusion, the ethics of pastoral counseling emphasize dependence upon God and His Word. Listening to the Word is as important as listening to the person who needs counsel. Together we must express our dependence upon the Holy Spirit to open the Scriptures, to open our heart to the Scriptures, and to give us insight.