It was a night that John and Deborah would never forget. For several months, Deborah had not been her normal happy-go-lucky self. She had become quiet, sullen and withdrawn. John, her husband, had noticed a coldness creep­ing into their relationship as Deborah pushed him away. She resented even his smallest expressions of affection.

Only months before she’d got a cordless phone, and seemed to take a lot of calls out on the patio or down at the bottom of the garden from her easy chair. On this balmy evening, Deborah was down in the garden speaking in whispered tones when her teenage son, Paul, accidentally picked up the extension in the kitchen. What he heard shocked him. His mother was having a conversation with a manager in her office, Brendan, and they were speaking with a degree of intimacy that was only appropriate for a married couple. Further, their conversation was laced with explicit sexual comments.

Paul was dumbfounded. He motioned to his father to listen to what was being said. John held the receiver to his ear for a minute. Then he spoke to let them know that he was on the line and had heard their conversation. There was an eerie silence for several moments, and then Deborah switched the phone off. John walked out into the garden to confront his wife. Deborah was speechless, white with shock. What was the next move?

If only it was as easy as saying, “Deborah, I forgive you; let’s pretend it never happened”. But the real world is not like that. John and Deborah have some enormous problems to overcome. Achieving true rec­onciliation and rebuilding the trust they once had can’t be short-circuited. If they think that they can get on with their lives as if nothing had happened, they are placing themselves at great risk. However, if they can honestly face the problems that Deborah’s adultery has caused and look to God for help, they can start to put the past behind them.

But where do they start? Let’s think of Deborah for a moment. Her first step has to be to end her affair. She has little option but to resign from her job because it is virtually impossible for her to turn a sexually involved relationship into a non-sexual one. Further, if she goes back to the office she is putting herself in a vulnerable position because she is placing herself under the direction of her boss, Brendan. That has to end immediately. If Deborah is genuine, she will cut off all contact with him and plan never to meet him again. That’s what “repentance” means in this situation.

But Deborah must not only repent; she must also believe. Believe what? Believe that God can still show her grace and forgiveness despite being caught in an affair. We are reminded of the wonderful truth in 1 John 1:9 that,

if we walk in the light ... we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus His Son purifies us from all sin.

The challenge for Deborah is to believe that this can be true for her. She must not allow herself to be crippled or controlled by what others may think or say. If Deborah can say to herself: “I’m determined to put things right with God and my husband and forget what others think. I’m going to stay totally focused on the love of the Lord Jesus and what He has done for me,” she’s on the right track. This is the one fixed point that will help her to continue the restoration process.

However, Deborah is not the only one with problems. John is now faced with a number of agonizing difficulties. The first one is his anger and bitterness. If he reacts the wrong way to Deborah’s unfaithfulness, he can miss the grace of God and bring trouble to many other people (Heb. 12:15). Unless he can deal with his rage, there is lit­tle hope for their relationship. Trying to rebuild a marriage in the presence of bitter­ness and biting sarcasm will be as successful as building a family home on a chemical waste dump. The toxic shock will destroy everyone.

Of course, John is justifiably angry at his wife’s behaviour. But he must also realise that he can’t restore his marriage without offering Deborah genuine forgiveness.

Unfortunately, forgiveness doesn’t usually occur until the anger has been dealt with first. That can be difficult because Christians have often been taught to repress their anger. John needs to be able to tell Deborah face-to-face how he has been hurt. He may even have to go through the process several times as layers of anger and resentment emerge. Until it comes to that point, neither of them is likely to move towards genuine forgiveness.

Forgiveness is the critical issue if their relationship is to be restored. When one party has been unfaithful to the other, this is the biggest hurdle to jump over. It may sur­prise some of us to realise that John should not be too quick to forgive. If he were to say that evening, “I’ve forgiven you, Deborah. It’s no longer a problem”, then warning bells should start to ring. It’s easy to deny our feelings, but this can be very destructive.

We need help in understanding forgive­ness. It is never excusing sinful behaviour. It is right for John to feel deeply hurt and to acknowledge and express those feelings so that they can be resolved in a godly manner through repentance, confession, forgiveness and reconciliation. Ultimately, forgiveness is surrendering his right to hurt Deborah back. Forgiveness has nothing to do with feelings. It is a commitment of the will to renounce all rights to retaliate, and to do so daily with the help God gives him.

Having a spirit of forgiveness and being prepared to offer forgiveness are prior steps to actually granting a person forgiveness. The last cannot and should not occur until there is repentance on the part of the unfaithful partner (see Luke 17:3). These distinctions are important if we are to understand the teaching of Jesus on this matter, and if we are to avoid the pitfalls of short-circuiting reconciliation or laying false guilt on the person who has been betrayed.

Jay Adams in More than Redemption makes the helpful point that granting for­giveness is like a covenant where the person pledges three things:

1. I will not dwell on the offence in my mind
2. I will not bring the offence up in your presence
3. I will not tell others of the offence.

Deborah, for her part, has to show that she is taking responsibility for what she has done and is prepared for John to tell her how her sin has impacted their marriage. Simply being ashamed or filled with remorse is not enough; that can be worldly sorrow that gets them nowhere (2 Cor. 7:10).

Once John has forgiven Deborah, the next issue they have to face is the rebuilding of their trust. This will not be easy. Deborah managed to hide her adultery with Brendan only by fabricating story after story. She became a practised liar. So rebuilding trust with John is going to be tough. It won’t be restored instantly; life just doesn’t work like that. But it can be recovered by the grace of God. Jesus was able to forgive Peter after his betrayal (John 21:15). So if John seeks God’s help, he can find the strength to restore Deborah too.

What of their long-term future? That’s not a matter that should concern them right now. Their immediate need is to simply deal with the emotions and circumstances of the moment. This means that they have to be prepared to do whatever God wants, no matter how difficult or painful. Having a Christian counsellor who in a spirit of gen­tleness and humility will keep them both on-track is very helpful (Gal. 6:1-3). A Christian counsellor can play a valuable role in helping both John and Deborah face up to their individual contributions to the marriage crisis. One question that the counsellor can help them answer is: “What part did I play in helping the unfaithfulness to occur? What do I need to put right so that such a situation never happens again?”

One of the advantages in seeking a competent Christian counsellor is that a neutral party can ensure that both John and Deborah hear what the other one has to say. Most people find it hard to share feelings without fear of being misunderstood, mocked or disregarded. It is pretty clear that people who have been hurt will not engage deeply with one another without skilled out­side support. There is so much pain and intense emotion that they need someone to referee the feelings and give them permis­sion to express their anguish. Often they feel that they can’t say what they want to because they may damage an already fragile relationship. This is where a counsellor can help.

In the shock of discovering the dark side of their marriage, John and Deborah are ask­ing “can our marriage ever be strong again?” It can. Where sin abounds, grace abounds even more (Rom. 5:20). If John and Deborah work through their grievances, face the pain involved and repent of their individual contributions to it, their marriage can become strong again. This is especially true if new and strong foundations are established out of the pain of failure with God’s enabling.