The Puritans’ concept of marriage was informed by the Bible. As J. I. Packer says, “They went to Genesis for its institution, to Ephesians for its full meaning, to Leviticus for its hygiene, to Proverbs for its management, to several New Testament books for its ethic, and to Esther, Ruth and the Song of Songs for illustrations and exhibitions of the ideal.”¹They let the practices, duties, and ethics of marriage flow out of the marriage textbook of Scripture. Edward Payson says that “the duties which they (husband and wife) bind themselves to perform (in marriage), are no more than God requires of them in his Word.”²The Puritans treated the duties of marriage, often at great length, in three sections: mutual duties, the husband’s duties, and the wife’s duties. All duties were to be done devotedly, kindly, and cheerfully.³Here is a brief summary of each type of duty:

• Mutual duties.⁴The foundational duty of marriage is love. Gouge writes, “A loving mutual affection must pass betwixt husband and wife, or else no duty will be well performed: this is the ground of all the rest.”⁵“As for love,” says William Whately, who wrote two books on marriage, “it is the life, the soul of marriage, without which it is no more itself, than a carcass is a man; yes, it is uncomfortable, miserable, and a living death.” Whately describes marital love as “the king of the heart,” so that when it prevails, marriage is “a pleasing combination of two persons into one home, one purse, one heart, and one flesh.”⁶Marital love must be spiritual, in Christ, and in accord with God’s commandments. Love must be rooted in the experience of being equally yoked together spiritually. It must be built on a Christ-centered foundation and cemented with a mutual use of the means of grace. Husbands and wives must rejoice in humbly worshiping God together at church and in their homes.⁷They must read the Scriptures, sing psalms, observe the Sabbath, and partake of the sacraments together.⁸They must pray for and with each other.⁹Love that is built on physical appearance or human gifts rests on a sandy foundation and can easily be “blown down by some storm,” Whately says, “but spiritual love, that looks upon God, rests upon his will, yields to his Commandment, and resolves to obey it, cannot change itself, because the cause thereof is unchangeable.”¹⁰
  Marital love must be superlative, so that a husband and wife love each other so dearly that both are persuaded that the other is “the only fit and good match that could be found under the sun for them,” Whately writes.¹¹
  Because of parental love, a godly parent would not trade his child for another parent’s child, even if that child were better-looking and had more gifts; similarly, a godly husband and wife would not trade each other for a better-looking and more gifted spouse.¹²Whately quaintly concludes: “Marriage-love admits of no equal, but placeth the yoke-fellow next of all to the soul of the party loving; it will know none dearer, none so dear.”¹³
  Marital love must be sexual, so that both marital partners can give themselves fully to each other with joy and exuberance in a healthy relationship marked by fidelity. Reformers such as Martin Luther, Ulrich Zwingli, and John Calvin established this aspect of marriage by abandoning the medieval Roman Catholic attitudes that marriage was inferior to celibacy, that all sexual contact between marital partners was a necessary evil to propagate the human race, and that a procreative act that involved passion was inherently sinful.

This negative view was rooted in the ancient church and based on the writings of such notables as Tertullian, Ambrose, and Jerome, all of whom believed that, even within marriage, intercourse necessarily involved sin.¹⁴This attitude toward marital intimacy, which dominated the church for more than ten centuries, inevitably led to the glorification of virginity and celibacy. By the fifth century, clerics were prohibited from marrying.¹⁵Two classes of Christians emerged: the “religious” (i.e., the spiritual clergy), which included monks and nuns who vowed to abstain from all sexual activity, and the “profane” (i.e., the secular laity), who, being unable to rise to the noble heights of virginity or celibacy, were conceded the right to marry.

Puritan preachers taught that the Roman Catholic view was unbiblical, even satanic. They cited Paul, who said that the prohibition of marriage is a doctrine of devils (1 Tim. 4:1-3). Even the Puritan definitions of marriage implied the conjugal act. For example, Perkins defines marriage as “the lawful conjunction of the two married persons; that is, of one man and one woman into one flesh.”¹⁶In contrast with Desiderius Erasmus, who taught that ideal marriage abstained from sexual intercourse, Cotton said in a wedding sermon that those who call for marital abstinence follow the dictates of a blind mind and not those of the Holy Spirit, who says that it is not good that man should be alone.¹⁷

The Puritans viewed sex within marriage as a gift of God and as an essential, enjoyable part of marriage. Gouge says that husbands and wives should cohabit “with good will and delight, willingly, readily, and cheerfully.”¹⁸“They do err,” adds Perkins, “who hold that the secret coming together of man and wife cannot be without sin unless it be done for the procreation of children.”¹⁹Perkins goes on to say that marital sex is a “due debt” or “due benevolence” (1 Cor. 7:3) that a couple owes to one another. That must be shown, he says, “with a singular and entire affection one towards another” in three ways: “First, by the right and lawful use of their bodies or of the marriage bed.” Such physical intimacy by “holy usage” should be “a holy and undefiled action (Heb. 13:4) ... sanctified by the word and prayer (1 Tim. 4:3-4).” The fruits of God-honoring, enjoyable sex in marriage are the blessing of children, “the preservation of the body in cleanness,” and the reflection of marriage as a type of the Christ-church rela­tionship. Second, married couples must “cherish one another” intimately (Eph. 5:29) rather than having sex in an imper­sonal way as an adulterer with a prostitute. Third, a couple should be intimate “by an holy kind of rejoicing and solacing themselves each with (the) other in a mutual declaration of the signs and tokens of love and kindness (Prov. 5:18-19; Songs 1:1; Gen. 26:8; Isa. 62:7).” In this context, Perkins particularly mentions kissing.²⁰

Other Puritans stressed the romantic side of marriage as they compared the love of a husband to God’s love for His own. Thomas Hooker writes, “The man whose heart is endeared to the woman he loves, he dreams of her in the night, hath her in his eye and apprehension when he awakes, museth on her as he sits at table, walks with her when he travels and parries with her in each place where he comes.”²¹He adds: “She lies in his Bosom, and his heart trusts in her, which forceth all to confess, that the stream of his affection, like a mighty current, runs with full tide and strength.”²²

The emphasis on romance within marriage (rather than in extramarital relations, as was common in the Middle Ages)²³has often been attributed to the Puritans. Herbert W. Richardson writes that “the rise of romantic marriage and its validation by the Puritans represents a major innova­tion within the Christian tradition.”²⁴And C. S. Lewis says, “The conversion of courtly love into romantic monogamous love was largely the work of ... Puritan poets.”²⁵The Puritans took the matrimonial duty of sex so seriously that failure to extend “due benevolence” by either partner could be grounds for church discipline. There is at least one case on record in which a husband was excommunicated for “neglecting his wife” by not having intercourse with her for a long period of time.

Whately and Gouge also emphasize other mutual duties in marriage. A husband and wife must be faithful to each other and help each other in every conceivable way, including seeking each other’s spiritual growth, healing each other’s faults, and steering each other away from sin. They must pray for one another, complement one another, appreciate one another, and “keep the unity of the spirit in the bond of peace” with one another. They must not speak harshly to or provoke each other, but must show kindness to each other and overlook each other’s minor faults. They must cultivate true friendship and take an interest in each other. They must be sympathetic to each other in times of distress, sickness, and weakness. They must promote each other’s reputation, never speaking ill of each other in the presence of others. They must be confidential, not revealing each other’s secrets. They must be industrious in their callings, working diligently as a team for each other, for their family, and in hospitality to others, especially the poor. For these reasons, they must manage their money judiciously.²⁶

• The husband’s duties. The Puritans were fond of enumerating each spouse’s duties. They taught that in addition to loving his wife and fulfilling mutual marital duties, the husband must not govern his wife tyrannically, but as an equal. A husband must strive to lead his wife spiritually for her betterment, taking charge of their mutual worship of God. Baxter says the husband is to be a wife’s “teacher and guide in the matters of God.”²⁷

Husbands should delight in their wives (Prov. 5:18-19), esteeming them, respecting them, and seeking to please them, even to the point that others consider it “doting.” Husbands should not allow blemishes in their wives to slacken their affection for them, either. Gouge says, “If a man have a wife, not very beautiful, or proper, but having some deformity in her body, some imperfection in speech, sight, gesture, or any part of her body,” he ought yet be so affectionate to her, “and delight in her, as if she were the fairest, and (in) every way the most complete woman in the world.”²⁸Then, too, a husband must provide for his wife in sickness and in health. He must particularly assist her when she is pregnant.²⁹He must bestow favors, kindnesses, and gifts on her. He must never strike her or abuse her verbally or physically. As Smith says, “Her cheek was meant for thy lips, not for thy fist!”³⁰At times, a husband may reprove his wife, but only in tender love and always to steer her away from sin. Reproofs, however, should be rare and administered in private with humility — never when his wife is angry.³¹

Finally, a husband must accept the functions that his wife performs. He must show his acceptance by his gratitude, by not demanding too much from her, and by giving her freedom to manage the affairs of the home. He must do all this cheerfully and tenderly.³²Perhaps Matthew Henry summarizes a husband’s duties best in saying that the woman is “not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.”³³

• The wife’s duties. In addition to showing submission and reverence to her husband and fulfilling mutual marital duties, a wife has numerous unique responsibilities. As a helpmeet for her husband (Gen. 2:18), she should assist him in a variety of ways, helping him “in business, in his labours, in his troubles, in his sickness, like a woman physician,” according to Smith.³⁴She should be content with her husband’s work, social standing, and financial status.
  Then, too, she should manage the affairs of the household effectively (Prov. 31). Such management includes helping her husband “establish Christ’s glorious kingdom in their house”; being thrifty without being miserly; consistently persevering in completing her duties; and handling herself with sobriety, mildness, courtesy, obeisance, and modesty, as the Bible commands.³⁵
• Thomas Gataker sums it up, saying that a good wife is:
• The best companion in wealth;
• The fittest and readiest assistant in work;
• The greatest comfort in crosses and griefs;
• The only warrantable and comfortable means of issue and posterity;
• A singular and sovereign remedy ordained by God against incontinency,
• And the greatest grace and honor that can be, to him that hath her.³⁶