The book of Ecclesiastes tells us that there is a time for everything, including a time to be born and a time to die, a time to weep and a time to laugh, as well as a time to mourn and a time to dance (Eccles. 3:1-8). There will come times in the life of every person when he or she will grieve over the death of a treasured friend or family member. At times this grief may seem well-nigh over­whelming. How do we fit this in with believing in Him who is the resurrection and the life?

It is Christian to grieve. One occasion­ally meets Christians who seem to main­tain that it is somehow not spiritual to grieve. They consider that belief in the resurrection promises compels them to try to feel joyful when a Christian dies. That is more Stoic than Christian, and more unnatural than spiritual.

David writes: 

I went about mourning as though for my friend or brother. I bowed my head in grief as though weep­ing for my mother. Ps. 35:14

He is not confessing sin, but pointing out how much he cared for his enemies — he prayed, fasted, and grieved for them when they were ill. When godly king Josiah was killed in 609 BC, all Judah and Jerusalem mourned for him, and Jeremiah com­posed laments for him (2 Chron. 35:24­-25). When Epaphroditus nearly died and then recovered, Paul gave thanks to God that He had spared him and Paul himself, who would have suffered “sorrow upon sorrow” had Epaphroditus died (Phi. 2:27).

When Ezekiel’s wife dies, he is told not to lament or weep, but that is to illustrate that the Israelites ought not to mourn when God destroyed the temple (Ezek. 24:15-27). Ezekiel was to act in an exceptional way because God was about to act in an exceptional way. Similarly, Jesus told the people who had gathered at the home of Jairus’ dead daughter to “stop wailing” (Luke 9:52). This was not a rebuke so much as a preparation for won­derful comfort. Jesus was about to raise the dead girl to life.

When Joy Davidman died, C. S. Lewis famously wrote in A Grief Observed: “Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.” It is the record of his strug­gles with faith and suffering. In 1790 John Newton’s beloved wife Mary died, and Newton wrote that “the world seemed to die with her”. These men were not betray­ing the faith in so doing. Death is an awful thing. At the tomb of Lazarus, whom He loved, the Lord of glory wept (John 11:35).

Having said this, it is also possible to grieve in a way that loses sight of both God and our fellow human beings. When Jacob thought that Joseph was dead, he refused to be comforted (Gen. 37:34-35). David’s grief over the death of his son Absalom was so intense that he could not carry out his public duties as king until Joab rebuked him (2 Sam. 18:33-19:1-8).

In Leviticus 19:28 God forbids His people to cut their bodies for the dead. Derek Tidball thinks that this refers only to the worship of ancestors, but Gordon Wenham is correct in connecting it also to pagan mourning rites. Those who believe in the God who has power over death should not wail and cut themselves as though death ended it all. Paul tells the Thessalonian Christians that they are not to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope (1 Thess. 4:13). Sorrow is allowed.

We are not to trivialize death, and pre­tend that it is really nothing to worry about. Nor are we to make believe, as at the funerals for Princess Diana and Kerry Packer, that all go to heaven, regardless of their standing before God. The media have their favourites but God has His elect.

There is real pain in grief — someone has passed from time to eternity, and heaven or hell has been opened up. As David sought God for the ailing son born of his adulterous union with Bathsheba, he prayed, wept and fasted with deep emotion. But when the child died, he was realistic, knowing that the child would not return to him but one day he would die and go to be with the child (2 Sam. 12:16, 18, 23). Grief for the Christian is real but it is not the only ingredient in the mix.

The Bible holds out no hope for those who die outside of Christ, but it holds out a glorious hope for those who die in Christ. In 1860 Andrew Bonar’s son — also called Andrew — died. Bonar looked to the resurrection: “O to see him come with Christ, to recognise that sweet, sweet voice amid the company of the redeemed!” Four years later, Bonar’s wife, Isabella died. The grieving husband and father wrote in his diary: “I have been thinking of her in glory, perhaps with lit­tle Andrew beside her, and how they will meet me!”

In glory the Christian will become like Christ — without sin — for we shall see Him as He is (1 John 3:2). In addition, as J. C. Ryle comments:

Surely next to the thought of seeing Christ in heaven, there is no more blessed and happy thought than that of seeing one another.

Then, for all who have turned from sin to trust in Christ alone, death will be swallowed up in victory.