It is a healthy situation when, in the period of courtship and engagement, sexual longings increase and the need for physical interaction deepens. The Lord takes delight in seeing two of His children grow toward each other over time. It is certainly a good thing when this couple discusses the physical aspect of their relationship, even using a Christian booklet to guide the conversation. 

Growth in sexual interaction is something beautiful, but it can also become threatening. We are not yet perfect people in a perfect world! The treasure of sexual life and the physical relationship asks to be guarded carefully. With a view to this, here are a number of general rules of thumb.

Parents should warn their children about flirtation.⤒🔗

Some flirtation has its rightful place in a serious romantic relationship. But flirtation in which young men and women stir up feelings or awaken expectations without considering the consequences is irresponsible. You end up toying with feelings. You “play the field” at the cost of others. You have a romantic fling, with no strings attached. Flirting has led to more brokenness than joy – not only among young people, but also among those who are older or married!

If the LORD has meant us to be married, then He has meant us for the one with whom we will enter the marriage covenant.←⤒🔗

The bride must be able to say of her bridegroom: my beloved has not belonged to others. “My beloved is mine and I am his” (Song of Songs 2:16; 6:3). Paul says that once you are married, you do not have authority over your own body. You cannot give your body to whomever you please. It is for the one God has in mind for us! The wife doesn’t have authority over her body, but her husband does. In the same way, the husband doesn’t have authority over his body, but his wife does (1 Corinthians 7:4,5). These words also give direction to those not yet married.

This point of departure has consequences for the manner in which you dress. You don’t wear clothes that reveal your body. You don’t expose your body to any who wish to see it. You do not give it away to someone you happen to have feelings for at a certain time. Bridegroom and bride are meant to be for each other on their wedding day. This is their right, according to God’s order of things (Genesis 2:24). Therefore, meaningful sexual experiences of a previous relationship place a heavy burden on a new marriage.

Serious courtship and engagement point toward the goal of marriage.←⤒🔗

When all is well, this does include the physical relationship of those who are in love or engaged; yet marriage is more than the physical unity between husband and wife. It involves a very deep and all-encompassing unity. Husband and wife are one in their relationship (Ephesians 5:28-31). Sexual intercourse is a precious gift of God to two married people, but it does belong to the schedule of this world, which is passing away (1 Corinthians 7:31; Matthew 22:30). On the other hand, the bond which unites husband and wife as brother and sister in the LORD is eternal.

The physical relationship is only one element of the marriage union. It is, according to the order of God, a bodily symbol of spiritual unity, and a meaningful expression of heartfelt love. In sexual intercourse you experience your unity as husband and wife as intensely as possible: not only spiritually but also physically.

For those who “live together,” sex becomes the object of pure bodily joy, and degenerates into an article of consumption that is “loosely available”. It is isolated from the love that belongs with loyalty and self-sacrifice. Sex is idealized and almost forced upon our young people: It needs to be experienced!

Under the influence of this perception, Reformed youth can have a distorted and narrow view of marriage. They begin to see marriage as the stage of life in which everything is permitted sexually. And so they begin to long for marriage, for the time that you are finally allowed to have sexual intercourse. Some parents – perhaps disillusioned through their own experiences in marriage –cannot imagine that the youth could take on such a narrow perspective, though they are bombarded with it week after week, via television programs and their peers. Under such an influence, they see the courtship and engagement period as the time when “it” wasn’t allowed. As though this were the only difference before and after the wedding!

Such an attitude easily leads to a strong emphasis on the sexual aspect of the relationship. Young people no longer understand what the period of courtship and engagement is really for. They only see what it isn’t for. The joy of getting to know each other and growing toward each other is stifled as they begin to search for any kind of physical satisfaction that is not forbidden in courtship and engagement. For isn’t the sexual relationship everything? And then you get sexual experimentation.

It is so important that the youth learn that marriage is more than being allowed to sleep together.  You must get to know each other in the courtship, to grow together. That demands intensive and deep conversations, not only about what is not allowed. You don’t need to know why you wouldn’t want to marry someone else, but you do need to know why you do want to marry this person. Keeping this in mind, you can have conversations about the many ways in which you can positively serve the Lord. These types of conversations require energy. But they are tremendously important. Don’t be hindered by an unbalanced emphasis on physical pleasure and sexual relations. For this reason, parents should not encourage their children to go and live in the same region as their fiancé(e) lives. Rather, let them keep some distance from each other and write letters or emails to each other. This sounds old-fashioned. But letter-writing can teach you to put your feelings into words. And this can only give depth to the relationship. Young people who haven’t yet written a letter to each other but regularly sit together in a room run the risk of talking too little and loving too much! Ultimately this will have a detrimental effect in the marriage. W.R. Scholte rightfully asks this question to couples who have gone too far: “Are you – through your lovemaking – trying to fill a void that could be filled if you would only talk together? Ask yourself if you are behaving this way physically because there is nothing further that binds you together” (Loving is Easier than Talking, p. 93).

It is not sufficient to say that physical association should be paired together with growing together spiritually. Rather, it must follow this. Many youth have been scarred and damaged because they let themselves be tempted to a physical and sexual contact for which they were not spiritually or emotionally prepared. It makes things grow crooked and become distorted when you have intimate contact without an emotional connection. J. Douma says it like this: “Hands should be kept off if there is no connection between the minds” (Loving is Easier than Talking, p. 58).

Don’t try to convince yourself that you have to see each other naked in order to get to know each other. Surely you know your parents and friends, Douma writes, without having had intimate physical contact with them!

Physical connection and the wedding date have everything to do with each other.←⤒🔗

This is not meant in the sense that you as a young couple make love because you can no longer avoid sexual intercourse, and so discover that you are ready for marriage. Rather, the fact of being married determines the intensity of physical contact. It should not be that the lovemaking determines the wedding date; the scheduled wedding date should instead be the guideline for your physical relationship.

Naturally, the longing for each other plays a clear role in the planning of a wedding date. But it is not the only factor. The period in which you have been getting to know each other must lay a good foundation for a marriage. Whoever enters a marriage makes a vow. And Scripture teaches that this should not happen hastily (Ecclesiastes 5:1). In order to marry you must know each other well. You must be convinced that your boyfriend will be able to take the reins and give leadership in serving the Lord. Or that your girlfriend will indeed be a helpmeet and a support in the service of the Lord. You must know if your love will be able to stand against conflicts and strife. When you see the other person’s shortcomings for the first time when you are married, then you did not made good use of the time of courtship and engagement!

Another factor which belongs to marriage is the readiness to have children, if God so provides. How unnatural it is to marry and not yet desire children – this shows when you have to specifically plan for methods in order to prevent becoming pregnant!

In the booklet Those Two … One Flesh, I have presented this perspective on the basis of the task and position the Lord gives to the woman (pp. 60-72), on the basis of Scriptural instruction regarding the receiving of children (p. 74 ff), and on the basis of God’s command to married people in passages such as Genesis 1:28 and 1 Timothy 2:15 (pp. 75-80). You cannot argue this point by contending that the blessing of children is an Old Testament concept (pp. 80-84).

Of course a great deal of growth is necessary in your relationship even after the wedding day. But this is no reason to delay or prevent the conception of children. Don’t think that your time of growing together has to happen with only the two of you. Have you truly used your time of courtship and engagement wisely? If so, you would have gotten to know each other in this time! Consider also that if you have chosen not to have children for a certain period in your marriage, you can get used to this and may develop a pattern of life in which it is difficult to insert children. If children then come at a moment chosen by mom and dad, these children will have to fit into the mold already set by their parents when they were on their own and were able to decide how to fill their time without considering anyone else. This can result in discontented and complaining children.

I am not saying that children have to come right away in every case. Those who – even after the wedding day – are not ready to have sexual intercourse should not be pressured. But now we speak of a situation where the normal sexual actions are not yet taking place, not of a situation where the couple lives as husband and wife but do not yet wish to become parents. Such a situation will be temporary and will need work (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). The use of contraception in the period before the birth of the first child is not to be justified with a call towards needs or wishes, except where there are important medical reasons.

A couple who wishes to marry doesn’t have to be completely settled down. But the husband does have to be clear before God and His holy church that he can support his family. Even if the wife temporarily has to work, he remains head of the family and responsible for the support of his family. Besides this support, he must also be available for the service of the Word and the practice of Christian charity.

It must be pointed out to young folk that the sex drive is very strong and becomes even more so during lovemaking (see Song of Songs 2:7; 3:5; 8:4).←⤒🔗

We should not too easily say that as long as you keep in mind that sex before marriage is not allowed, everything will work out fine. Paul wrote somewhere that sinful longings can be awakened just when they are specifically forbidden. This is not the fault of the command, but the venom of sin. Through the sin that reigns in us, we experience a surprising and attractive sensation when we do things that we know are forbidden. That is how we are by nature: forbidden fruits tempt us the most, and we often find these the most delicious. Paul says: the poison of sin comes to the light if the command towards good awakens in us all sorts of wrong desires (Romans 7:5-12).

This also counts for sexuality. As a couple you can agree not to cross a certain boundary. That is wise. You must certainly do this. But don’t underestimate that your body always asks for more. And keep in mind that crossing such a boundary always results in a different sensation. Add to this the excitement of lovemaking. It is not easy to keep to an agreement of this sort. So it comes down to how you both react if at a certain moment you succumb to the temptation and cross the agreed-upon boundary. Will you then defend yourself for something exciting you have experienced and adjust the agreement? Or are you strong enough to ask the Lord for forgiveness and strength to control the longings of your heart?

On the one hand it is healthy and natural that you physically grow towards each other, and that the boundary you have set gets moved. Naturally within certain parameters – but more about that later!

On the other hand you must realize that there is a risk when you immediately adjust your agreement and set a new boundary together. The crossing of the new boundary will also become tempting and exciting, until you once again get satisfaction and want even more. This is how you gradually get sucked in, if you don’t watch out. It is healthier to have remorse about the crossing of an agreed-upon boundary than to have no qualms about crossing this boundary, adjusting it instead.

For fiancé(e)s, a physical mutual longing is not sinful. But it is also not immune to sin. To keep your sexual desires in check you need strong self-control. As people in love or engaged, you need to be on the same page in this. You must be open and honest in speaking about it together. As a young man, you must express how difficult it is for you not to go too far. Your body longs for it. Emphasize to your loved one that she must help you to maintain sexual control. As a young woman, be clear to your boyfriend that you don’t like it when he asks you over but doesn’t maintain the agreed boundary. Don’t give in to him because you are afraid to lose him. If that were the case, he is not worthy of you!

So when it comes down to it, you should agree together about how far you will go. These agreements have to be taken seriously because you have to take each other seriously!

If sex is forbidden before marriage, than its surrogate is forbidden as well.←⤒🔗

This includes all touching that leads to a sexual climax. It refers to stimulating the sexual organs of the other person so that it leads to an orgasm. This type of touching is not only a surrogate of sexual intercourse. In the psychosomatic sphere it has clear similarities to (unacceptable) masturbation.

As much as possible, avoid the things that tempt you to have sex before its time.←⤒🔗

Don’t be too quick to reason that you are strong enough to stand firm in your relationship. For those of you who are students, make sure that you do not constantly work together in the same room. 

Young women, don’t use the pill “just in case”: because you want to complete your education before you get married. The pill is the needless cause of much disruption in your body. The command of God to abstain from sex before marriage is the best and safest contraception. Regarding the risk that you “must” get married: that does not correlate with the coming of a child, but with the fact that you’ve had sex with each other (Exodus 22:16ff; Deuteronomy 22:28ff; 1 Corinthians 7:9). That is what you should prevent. Be warned by the phenomenon that the use of the pill has not slowed down sex before or outside of marriage; rather, it has increased! Use of the pill “just to make sure” makes the boundary line to sex even lower.

The “uncovering of the shame” has no place in courtship and engagement.←⤒🔗

This workbook has already touched on the shame (ch 1). To prevent unnecessary repetition, we point to what is written there. I know that this eighth rule of thumb seems to be a severe rule. I also know of the difficulty it costs to keep this rule. On top of this, when older people bring this up as something that is common-sense and speaks for itself, it creates the impression that they cannot really relate to the feelings of engaged couples. Honestly, this is not a rule that you as an engaged couple want to think about. You would rather have a more lenient boundary. After all, you see bare skin everywhere these days. Is it so wrong to see your own boyfriend or girlfriend naked? You do want to get to know each other. You even have scriptural arguments about this. Isn’t the Song of Songs narrated by a young couple who seemed to know quite a lot about each other’s bodies – who also experienced physical pleasure and enjoyed each other?

No matter how difficult this rule is and no matter how often you – as a couple in love or engaged –break it, it stills seems to me that it is a good rule to not uncover the shame of the other person. Because in the end you cannot get away from the truth. If you search the Bible for a concrete boundary for engaged couples, you are repeatedly confronted with the Lord’s teaching about shame and the uncovering of the shame. There is (outside of sex before marriage) no other boundary that is given so concretely and clearly in Scripture. All other boundaries which we may consider and discuss together can be somewhat arbitrary. But the respect of each other’s shame clearly finds its basis in what the Bible teaches. 

In Leviticus 18 the uncovering of shame refers to sexual intercourse. This does not mean that the two concepts are exactly the same. But it also should not lead us to conclude that nothing is mentioned here about exposing one’s body. It is significant that sexual intercourse is indicated with the uncovering of shame in Leviticus 18. It makes clear that these two things are heavily connected, and seen in the same perspective. Shame is only won over in marriage. Outside of marriage it is something that gnaws and disturbs.

Ezekiel 23 also speaks of the uncovering and stroking of the breasts, in a manner which makes clear that this is not an innocent thing. You must not insert against that that there are cultures where women always display naked breasts. Even setting aside the question of Christianization which should change this culture, this passage refers to cultures other than our own. In our western culture, the uncovering of the breasts is an erotic thing. You don’t have to see a lot of pornography to know how the breasts of a woman can cause stimulation and excitement.

The manner in which the Bible speaks about shame shows the physical boundary in courting and engagement. Young people do themselves and each other a favour when they don’t try to undermine this scriptural teaching, but keep it as the norm. Even if they have crossed this boundary. It is better to keep to this norm and to be sorrowful when you cross it, than to take the norm away in all your “intelligence.” If you do this you will often have to admit that you end up going farther and farther, and that despite all your good intentions you have ended up where you should not be. Even though you didn’t want to, you have tainted your relationship and mortgaged any future relationships or your marriage.

But does this eighth rule of thumb leave anything for physical nearness and bodily contact with engaged couples? Courtship and engagement are certainly different from friendship through the sexual component of their relationship, aren’t they? But if you can’t undress each other, what physical contact can there be?

This question can be rightfully asked in the world in which we live. But it does betray the distorted view of physical relationships which seems right to our culture. As if it remained focused on the sexual component. As if there were not many other ways to see and touch and contact each other, even physically!

In Song of Songs, the physical relationship of two engaged people is sung of with excitement. This couple enjoys each other, also physically. But does that mean they have undressed each other? Prof. H.M. Ohmann has written a booklet about this Bible book. He is convinced that the couple written about has not seen each other completely naked before marriage. There is a strong longing, certainly. I also think that this bridegroom and bride from the Song of Songs have respected each other’s shame (Song of Songs 4:11b, 12; 5:3). Still, there are very few secrets left! It points to a physical relationship which is not exclusively directed to sexual intercourse and orgasm, as is the case in our culture. Yet it is surely no less intimate and tender. Let us remember that the body is more than sexual organs. Physical nearness is not just about working towards an orgasm. There is much more than this to enjoy. Try to discover what the other person finds good without focusing on the stimulation of sexual organs.

Do not sleep in the same house without a third party present.←⤒🔗

An absolute no is called for when it comes to going on vacation without a chaperone. Certainly do not sleep in the same room. And sleep in the same house only when others are present. This does not mean others who are in the same circumstances as you are. Fellow students in one house have similar interests, and can make an agreement to leave each other alone as couples and not betray each other. So don’t sleep under the same roof without an “objective” third party.

If you sleep under the same roof without a chaperone, you put yourself into temptation (Matthew 6:13). Don’t be too quick to think that you are both strong enough. Those who are husband and wife can admit that it is very difficult not to feel the temptation of your body (Song of Songs 8:6)!

Besides this, you should beware of being together too often or too intimately, or at a given moment the only difference between engagement and marriage becomes that as married couple you can go to bed together, but as engaged couple, not yet. That would be a seriously narrow view of marriage, and a poor preparation for it.

You also break the power of the witness that the church in the community is against living together as an unmarried couple. While the church of Christ keeps all sex out of marriage on the basis of God’s Word, the world sees your behaviour and find reason to question this witness. They may say things like: “Those people spent the night together under the same roof. You have nothing to say to us. Of course they are sleeping together. So, they are doing just what they tell us not to do! All that talk of the church is simply hypocrisy. Do you think we will let ourselves be taken in by them?”

Also for this last reason, it is a good idea for a couple not to have their future address printed on their wedding invitations, as happens quite often. Rather, they should mark their old address on the card. This makes clear that they are not an unmarried couple living together who now are entering marriage, but rather, that two young people are following God’s order, leaving their father and mother and getting lawfully married.

The promise of the LORD for His children is of greatest importance.←⤒🔗

No one needs to hide their sexual sins, nor defend them to their friends. All can take refuge in the blood of Christ. As an engaged couple, you may together often pray for strength from the Holy Spirit, so that you may live according to God’s will, and that you may adhere to the stated and agreed upon boundaries. Be sure, you may come to the Lord even if you don’t have everything in order in your life. Call upon Him in the very moment that you are struggling with sin, and believe God’s sure covenant promises of forgiveness and new life.