Preface⤒🔗

The one searches in the past. Another actually wants to forget the past and push it out of his mind. That is why no one can give a proper method for mourning. Many books and brochures have been published in the last thirty years. You may recognize words such as insecurity, denial, bickering, anger, depression, or acceptance. Initially they related to the stages in which a process of dying is supposed to take place, but soon that method was also applied to mourning, among other things. However, that was soon corrected. It is a process that takes place in many ways and in each case it is influenced and determined by different factors. That is, in my view, the basic rule that office-bearers must bear in mind when they must regularly deal with grief.

The Character of Mourning←⤒🔗

It is good to first have a clear understanding of what we are talking and thinking about. You can only talk freely about mourning when you have a proper connection with the person you are talking to. The lack of any kind of relation makes the process of mourning impossible. It is also incorrect that this mourning process should cause the relation with the deceased, who was so dear, to be completely cut off. In a sense you could describe grief as an increasing farewell to what has been in the past and an increasing process of learning how to live with memories only. It affects all facets of existence in this present life. It is not uncommon to be unable to properly understand yourself during the process of mourning. A proper balance must be restored in the grieving process. I would say it this way: that to cope with grief one needs a network, a network of the community of saints. That is especially important.

Feelings of Sorrow←⤒🔗

Anyone who is involved in comforting those who mourn, such as the minister or the elders, should remember that mourners end up in a world of overwhelming feelings, feelings that cause pain. Such pain should not be underestimated by office-bearers; they should not try to minimize painful moments. Whoever goes through the way of grief cannot but go through the pain of loss. Ter Horst says it this way: those who mourn go through a process that is similar to going through a maze. He writes, “The road is unknown; the exit is difficult to find, and people often return to where they have been before.” So, there is confusion everywhere, with changing moods and changing moments. However, not all these feelings are present in everyone. Resignation and panic alternate on a regular basis.

Feelings of Guilt←⤒🔗

It seems to me that the office-bearer can be pastoral in this area, especially on this point of having feelings of guilt. The office-bearer must be aware of the possibility that the relationship between the mourner and the deceased has not been good. That will cause guilt. Words and actions cannot be reversed. Some may feel as though they have failed or have not properly dealt with real-life problems. There may also be a feeling of guilt when they discover that some people have shed very few tears and even dare to participate in something again or book a holiday within six months. There may also be anger during the time of the upcoming funeral when we hear the statement, “People have left me.” Strange as it may sound, those who mourn feel, at times, like shouting out, “You have left me out in the cold.” To offer help in the process of their grief, such feelings should not be minimized by the office-bearer. Care must be taken by the office-bearer, however, that such expressions are of genuine character.

Different Types of Mourning←⤒🔗

Office-bearers should be aware that it makes quite a difference whether someone is grieving as a child, as an adult, or as an older person. What have they been through in the past? Is the mourner unstable in nature? Is the mourner a man or woman? Is the grieving about a child or about a parent? Was there, for example, times of bitterness in the marital relationship, or maybe a major crisis that is still gnawing at the person? The dependence, the intensity, and nature of the relation that existed in the past needs to be determined by the office-bearer. It can also make a difference whether the other person died prematurely or suddenly, or after a long illness. Officials should always carefully listen and consider, but without using a textbook for mourning!

Suicide←⤒🔗

The office-bearer must be particularly careful with the relatives of someone who has chosen death by suicide. Sayings like “He is eternally lost” are not only false and cruel, but they are not permissible because we should never look into the secret counsel of God. We are obligated to leave it at that. That would require an article by itself. If the office-bearer has no clarity about that chapter or is not able to speak knowledgeably about that issue, it is better not to start. One must be devoted, moved, capable, and psychologically stable to handle such situations.

By now it is clear that the number of factors that give us our grief has its own nature and content. It is as wide as the world. Especially the image that people have about God can play a role. The pastor ought to realize that some members of the congregation were brought up in a church that spoke generously about God or were members in a church where a strict image of God was presented. In some churches God is seen more as a spy than as the One who is faithful to his covenant. Many hold on to the Bible on their road of mourning, but others want nothing to do with the Bible for various reasons. The pastor must be able to deal with the latter opinion. The point is to clarify these feelings so that it becomes clear how we can help in the process of grieving. The office-bearer must be careful not to make the grieving process more complicated than it is.

Complicated Grief←⤒🔗

Unfortunately, I cannot go deeper into this subject. It would therefore suffice us to say that there is certainly a need for pastoral care and counseling if people are unable to deal with grief, or if there are other factors that complicate this. It is not uncommon for an office-bearer to refer the mourner to specific professional care.

Duties in Mourning←⤒🔗

Speaking of grief phases is obsolete. We speak of duties in mourning nowadays. Any pastor who is involved with grieving must be aware of this. These duties are the following:

1. Recognizing the harsh reality: As a rule, the natural response is to say that it is not true; it cannot be true. But it must be said, no matter how much it hurts, “Accept the truth.”
2. Crying together: Let us say this happened too early, or it should not have happened. Let us be angry because it happened, but let us not go into denial. That creates even more difficulties.
3. Trying to find a place in your mind and in your heart for the memory of the deceased one you loved: That memory will last forever. That is almost inevitable, but it is also permissible to do so. That memory does not have to disappear. Gradually, there must be a disconnection between overwhelming sadness and living with the past.
4. Reorienting the meaning and purpose of one’s own existence: It may be that in everything a person’s life was strongly intertwined with the deceased. Many things were done together, but life goes on.
5. Doing new things as time goes on: Not just doing things now that were done together before, but also doing or participating in things that were not there before. It makes sense to meet new people, and to visit and receive visits.

Pitfalls←⤒🔗

There are pitfalls when mourning. For example, if you think you can leave everything as it was in the past, then the house becomes a museum of antiquities. Then one does not live in the present, but in the past, and that will always be paralyzing. It can also be the other way around, when in the shortest of time not a trace of the deceased can be found in thought or memory of the mourner. Then the question must be asked, What happened, or what is the reason for all of this? In that case there is a lot of work to do for the pastor or the elder; they may have to spend a long time on how to rectify that way of thinking. The mourner may present all kinds of questions: whether it will take a long time to get over it; or even worse, “Does God want me to be that sad for that long?” Or the children of the deceased may say, “Mom, just stop talking about it; we will never get Dad back.” These kinds of comments are not helpful. It is better if the office-bearer offers to join the mourner on the difficult road that lies ahead by maintaining contact and continuing to provide comfort and assistance in the grieving process. In case things become exceedingly difficult, a referral to a Christian psychiatrist may be necessary.

How Long?←⤒🔗

Some feel that a grieving process should be completed within a year. That is a false statement and of little help as much as saying that it will never be completed. After a year and certainly after two years, there must be progress in processing the loss of a loved one. However, it is much more important to watch the progress of a grieving process than its duration. There will be a partial detachment and an increase in memory. Pictures can play a major role in this. Again, do not say, You should never be sad again. However, many problems must be resolved before one is able to be involved again and to participate in what is happening in church and society. Sexuality is a separate topic. The same applies to any rituals related to complications in the grieving process.

Biblical Notes←⤒🔗

What guidance does the Bible provide in the process of grieving? First, those who mourn must have a positive relationship with the Lord God. I refer to the famous words of Paul in 1 Thessalonians 4:13: “But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others who have no hope.” Here the apostle thinks of people who are afraid that they have believed in vain if they die before Jesus returns. But the fate of the dead, who have lived with God in Jesus Christ, may be viewed positively: They are in God’s hand. Their life will not be in vain. They will share in the power of Christ’s resurrection.

Another question is whether faith and possible rebellion are compatible. Many believers are tormented when they experience the loss of a loved one and then have a rebellious attitude caused by their loss. They begin to question whether they really have a true faith now that they experience themselves as rebellious. Surely there is no rebellion when one has a true faith? That idea is not correct. The pastor or elder may then point to John 11, where it is stated that Jesus was “greatly troubled” in his spirit at the tomb of Lazarus. Actually, it says that Jesus became “outraged” as if he was saying, “Father, this should not have happened.” For Jesus, death is an enemy. Death is the last enemy to be taken away. However, John 11 tells us more. Martha says to Jesus, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” In other words, she asks, “Jesus, could you not have intervened and prevented this?” or “God, could you not have worked this out differently?” Such comments are caused by unbelief. It is questioning God’s sovereignty. After all, God is not the cause of cancer or of a brain aneurysm. It is expressly written of him, “When he calls to me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honour him” (Psalm. 91:15). If the believer seeks deliverance from all the problems in the process of mourning, Romans 8 can be of great comfort to him. It says, among other things, that we may be assured that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

In Conclusion←⤒🔗

The question remains, What is the right way of mourning? That question should lead us to a group of talented people within the congregation who are capable of giving assistance to those members who are mourning. Should this be done officially in cooperation with the consistory? Or should this be done unofficially? Such a question ought to be carefully considered. Church councils are obligated to pay specific attention to the process of mourning. Since “[i]t is better to go to the house of mourning than to the house of feasting” (Ecclesiastes 7:2). This means that the Lord can teach us wisdom in our mourning. The most wonderful perspective, however, is in the last book of the Bible, which describes the new heaven and the new earth: “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. And he who was seated on the throne said, ‘Behold, I am making all things new.’” (Revelation 21:5)