Like all other topics our first place for guidance must be the Scriptures, and we note that in Scripture there are various levels of friendship found.

Some examples from Scripture⤒🔗

David and Jonathan←↰⤒🔗

David and Jonathan’s relationship was built on a common desire to serve the Lord. It was obvious that they were very free with each other and no doubt would have shared many confidences not recorded for us. The fact that Jonathan was willing at times to ignore his father the King, tells us something of his closeness to David. We read that ‘the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David’ (1 Sam. 18:1). Such unity and trust must be at the heart of any true deep friendship. It went deeper than an outward friendliness.

Ruth and Naomi←↰⤒🔗

There is a closeness between Ruth and Naomi that seems to grow and is more than a shared love for a son and husband. While David and Jonathan were more akin in age, here one is much older and yet it does not preclude them from having a close relationship. So an age difference need not be a barrier to close friendship.

Paul and Barnabas←↰⤒🔗

In the relationship between Paul and Barnabas we see friendship developing but, while it was Barnabas who was instrumental in bringing the newly converted Saul to Antioch and in having him received by the Apostles in Jerusalem, it was nevertheless the newer convert, Paul, who eventually took the leading role. Friendships can be like this. Having one person in the relationship being more of a leader can often be the case, although that perceived position is never abused and there will always be a ‘two way’ respect. Now while they at times disagreed, their friendship survived and Paul speaks warmly of Barnabas. So true fellowship does not always have to mean agreeing one hundred per cent on everything.

Jesus and His Disciples←↰⤒🔗

It is amazing indeed that it could be so, but the Lord himself declares concerning the disciples, ‘ye are my friends’ (Jn. 15:14). We are told, ‘Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus’ (Jn. 11:5). Even among the disciples we read, ‘Now there was leaning on Jesus’ bosom one of his disciples whom Jesus loved’ (Jn. 13:23), so one was special. Now that was a different kind of friendship. It wasn’t like for example David and Jonathan, based to some degree on equality. Some friendships can be true friendships even when there is not ‘equality’.

What can we learn from such friendships?←⤒🔗

Jesus taught that we should always be mindful, ‘as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise’ (Lk. 6:31).

Solomon reasons,

Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. Eccl. 4:9-10

We know as ministers our need to share certain difficulties and to have someone who can ‘lift us up when we fall’. It doesn’t mean that we just call and they come to our aid, although that often is what happens with good friends, but here in Ecclesiastes there is the idea also of the friend being so aware of what we need that they immediately recognise our situation and lend the necessary help. Scripture tells us, ‘Your Father knoweth what things ye have need of before ye ask him’ (Mt. 6:8). And while none of us is omniscient, I would suggest this is a perfect pattern of how a good friend should seek to be.

Practical situations←⤒🔗

There are sometimes matters which you cannot and indeed must not tell even to your best friend. That is so even with your wife who may well be your best friend. Of course there will be matters you can and should discuss with her, but there has to be an understanding that certain matters are between you as a minister and the member of the congregation concerned. There should be matters that we have been privy to that should forever remain private.

You will find yourself burdened with matters in the congregation that you can hardly bear and may even feel it is too much to expect you to — but you cannot even in the strictest confidence share certain burdens with someone else. Sadly there are situations where a ministry has been hugely undermined by lack of confidentiality.

A true friend will know when he is not to be of an inquisitorial spirit. Too many questions are not appropriate. Let your friend share what they wish. A real friend will also be willing to challenge and correct your theology where necessary, and likewise if he discerns that your preaching is not as relevant as it should be he will indicate this. We may instruct our people well, but leave them cold spiritually.

This love and care for your brother works both ways of course. Hard as it may be at times, if you know for example that a congregation is unhappy under the preaching and pastoral care of your brother, you need to try and ascertain why it is so. It may be he is doing what he is doing quite deliberately and it may be he will not see the need to change, but I doubt if anyone would just ignore advice from a best friend. It is not always an act of love to keep silent. Of course we are to be sensitive to one another’s feelings, but if we are of a ‘biblical servant spirit’ we will at least be willing to listen to a friend.

Don’t be afraid to ask your friend to assess your preaching. No matter how long some have been preaching, none of us are perfect preachers. And sometimes as our preaching develops, it is not always into better preaching. Yes, we hear people say ‘Oh he’s come on in his preaching’ but it is also sometimes said, ‘What’s happened to his preaching?’

Where will your ‘best friend’ be found?←⤒🔗

Some ministers seem to be able to have their best friend within their congregation. Brethren, I would be wary of such relationships. It is not that we cannot and should not be good friends, especially with elders with whom we need to share much, but great care is necessary. As in all walks of life it is easier to understand and converse in detail with those engaged in similar work. No-one understands the work of the ministry like a minister.

We need friends who care about our becoming true pastors of God’s flock and real students of the Word. Scripture speaks of those who preach ‘smooth things’ (Is. 30:10) and those who love to hear such. The need for us is to have friends who will not flat­ter us.

Should just being in the ministry not be enough to form a friendship? That in reality is not how it works. There are brethren we are closer to than others. The Lord Jesus had his disciples, and within the twelve he had a closer relationship to three. On the Mount of Transfiguration the Lord commanded them not to mention what they had seen (Mt. 17:9), not even to the other disciples. So there is a pattern for us. Some situations we can share and some we should not. Some of us as colleagues will never be best friends. Is that a problem? It should not be. We recognise that we are part of the one body but with different functions. Taking the imagery of a body, the fingers relate best to the hand; the tongue to the mouth. Those we find that the Lord has brought us closest to, are those we relate best to.

We mentioned earlier Ruth and Naomi (we could have mentioned Paul and Timothy) as an older and younger pair. It is not always the friends of our youth that make the best confidants. It may be we are like David and Jonathan, but that is not always the case. Friendships formed in going through Seminary together can be our closest in the ministry. But remember Rehoboam, how he listened to the counsel of his young friends rather than the older men, and what a disaster that was (2 Chron. 10)! Also, while an older brother minister should have more wisdom to impart, it is not necessarily so.

Those of us who are older can make very good friends with younger colleagues and learn from such who may be far more gifted than we. Common sense, holy wis and grace are certainly not the prerogative or privilege of the elderly, whether ministers or otherwise.

Friendship with Ministers outside our own denomination?←⤒🔗

We may find ourselves part of some para-church organisation with ministers of other denominations, eg, SRS or LDOS or Affinity or be part of some Ministers’ Fraternal. Where there is an obvious united desire for the good of the cause of Christ then some matters can be put aside without compromising. We can and should be friendly. Sometimes we ask brethren from other similar denominations or of similar beliefs to preach for us. In that way we can build up a good rapport with such and we can sometimes speak with them when, because of familiarity, it would not be appropriate with a brother minister in the same denomination. They can be more objective and therefore more helpful.

Some have asked, ‘What are the criteria for asking someone to preach for us?’ Well, first of all, in asking anyone to preach you must be sure it is for the good of your people. Beware that pastorally it could do more damage than good. However that does not preclude our dealing with those we could never ask to preach, as brethren.

One ‘good friend’ only?←⤒🔗

Should we only have ‘one good friend?’ Of course not, but beware that while you may see a certain brother as a good friend, that brother may not see your other friend(s) as his good friend(s). Without doubt having a circle of friends can be helpful, but at the same time having a large circle can bring problems with confidentiality. But one of the advantages of having a few good friends is that while some may be useful at a spiritual level others may be better at helping with practical difficulties.

Conclusions←⤒🔗

We should try and develop at least one close friendship, being aware that we cannot manufacture such, nor do so on false premises or a mistaken view that it doesn’t really matter if we hold to a fundamentally different outlook. We need to be ‘wise as serpents and harmless as doves’ in all aspects of our Christian lives and especially as those called to the holy ministry. After all, ‘Can two walk together except they be agreed?’