This is not what you might think it’s going to be. It will not, principally, be a solemn warning about letting your husband make the decisions in your house. Submissive­ness of character consists of much more than wives submitting to their husbands. But I hope the following thoughts may be helpful, since there are some important general principles behind this lovely quality; and until we appreciate them, it is difficult to succeed in putting them into practice.

An Attitude⤒🔗

I know this is a difficult virtue to culti­vate. It is difficult not just because it is controversial, unpopular, and out of synch with our culture. It is a struggle because submissiveness goes right against the grain of our willful, disobedient hearts. One of the first things God told Eve when she sinned and fell was that her desire would be for her husband – to control him, win out against him, overpower him. Submis­siveness is very much an attitude thing. It is not just a matter of letting him have it his way, while thinking on the inside – ‘how stupid!’ You can have the outward action right, but the inner attitude makes your response all wrong. It is even possible to agree with what the Bible teaches about submission, yet be quite an unsubmissive person. I have noticed, for instance, that some women who insist loudly that wives submit to their husbands display a most unsubmissive approach in doing so. They are willful, bossy and aggressive in their demand that other women submit to their husbands. This makes me wonder whether they see submission as something involving an outward action only, and not a quiet, humble attitude of the heart.

Nevertheless, all of us find it a hard attitude to achieve. Pride, arrogance and willful insistence on having our own way are basic to our sinful hearts. Humility and submissiveness just do not come naturally – even when we are right, and simply re­minding others what is right to do.

The Battle in the Past – and Present←⤒🔗

This has been the case since sin entered the world, and never more so than now. The women of old in biblical times were encouraged by their culture, and by the teaching of the Old Testament, to be gen­tle and self-effacing; and to respect the leadership of their fathers, husbands and elders. But what do we find? Even they wanted their own way, and would stoop to devious means to achieve it. They were inclined to manipulate, agitate, demand, cajole – and yes, even boss their men around from time to time. Think of the sad case of Rebekah, who was so devoted to her son Jacob that she carried through a scheme to deceive her husband Isaac and get Jacob, the younger twin, the birthright that should have been his brother Esau’s. Tragic results ensued, as we all know. Con­sider the reminders in Proverbs about nag­ging and contentious wives. (These would not have been written if wives were not sometimes like that.) Think of the misery Samson endured, once he gave in to the pressures from his wife. Think of the way Herodias manipulated Herod to get rid of John the Baptist (Matthew 14:1-12). These women all lived in cultures that encouraged submissiveness in women, yet their hearts rebelled – and they got their own way.

Western culture has rather violently rejected these ideas about womanhood. You might think it has only been for the past thirty or forty years; but that is only in the most strident and open and political way. Women have been after control for a lot longer, albeit in a more spasmodic and subtle fashion. But true enough, there is virtually no encouragement now in our wider culture for women to be submissive, humble or gentle. Everything screams from the opposite direction. ‘Know your own mind.’ ‘Don’t let him tell you what to do.’ ‘Take care of yourself.’ ‘You can do it!’ ‘Don’t have such a low view of yourself; you need more self-esteem.’ ‘Girls can do anything.’ ‘I just have to learn to be more assertive.’ You’ve heard it all before. The feminist movement has been well-organised and successful at a political, educational and rhetorical level. Our thinking about women and their role in all spheres of society has changed out of recognition since the 1960s. We seem to have women running almost everything that counts in New Zealand today; and even the more conservative U.S. may be about to get its first woman president.

The Opposite to Submission←⤒🔗

Right through our culture, on so many lev­els, runs a basic selfishness and arrogance that brooks no opposition to ‘me’ and ‘my interests’. Children are taught from a very early age that they should think highly of themselves. Schools advertise that they aim to instill confidence and pride in their students. (Anyone that advertised the encouragement of humility would provoke hoots of derision.) We learn to affirm ourselves, avoid selling ourselves short, and make our dreams happen. It is little wonder that teachers in our schools have a terrible job trying to manage their classes. Imagine facing 25 youngsters who have been bubbling with unchecked ‘confidence’ since their days in childcare centres and pre-schools! Not a pretty thought; yet it is the lot of many teachers. Submission to any kind of authority – parents, teachers, whoever, is a foreign concept indeed. To be sure, some of this meets a bit of a check when young people enter the work­place. They find that employers do expect a degree of obedience and respect in return for a pay cheque. Likewise, customers might take offence and not come back for repeat purchases if you treat them rudely or arrogantly. People engaged in business usually know something about respect. There is a certain level of submissiveness that seems worth it for promotions and pay rises and success in business. But this is only skin-deep. And its lack of heart-level conviction will sooner or later erupt in some disrespectful word or action.

The rebellion is most obvious of all in the marriage relationship. Many, many Christians have commented on this. Some say it is the work of the evil one to destroy the most important God-given bond we have: to strike, as it were, at God himself. Certainly, our culture mocks and derides the submission of women to their husbands. These days, women do not think of their husbands as their leaders or as heads of their family. If anything, husbands are merely equal partners where authority (if any) is shared. However, there is always a cost to spurning God’s order of things. Doing it ‘my way’ is expensive in the ex­treme. As we all know, men and women in our society are not very successful at running their lives or their marriages in defiance of God’s principles. Marital strife, separation and divorce are commonplace. But the prevalence of these tragedies does not make them any less painful.

As I have briefly observed, the outwork­ings of unsubmissiveness around us today are multitudinous and almost infinitely variable. Sometimes it seems to me that selfishness and arrogance are the drivers of people’s lives. Certainly, they explain much of the suffering that we inflict on others as well as on ourselves. But are we immune from this as Christians? Of course not. We may recognise the principle that we are to be submissive – God tells us in his Word that this is how we should be – but often we are not.

God’s Word Today←⤒🔗

Whether we are good at applying them or not, we Christians who take God at his Word know two important commands to be submissive: children should obey their parents, and wives should submit to their husbands. Now, to obey these commands is clearly difficult in our context. Children will have to ignore the message of televi­sion, movies, their peers, and advertising (in addition to their own sinful hearts). So how do we fare? Are our children submissive? Do they (from their hearts) want to do as their parents ask? Do they behave as their parents would wish, even when they are out of sight of mother and father? Furthermore, are they learning to curb their own pride and greed in order to serve others? Do they never push and shove for food before others can get it? Are they learning to be quiet and respect­ful in situations such as school lessons or catechism classes, to make teaching a pleasure for their teachers, and to make it possible for other students to learn?

How about we women? Are we as submissive as we could be? For sure, we may let our husbands have the final say in making decisions, but do we (for instance) connive and manipulate our husbands in other ways? Do we use tears or other emotional pressure to put him on the back foot, make him feel guilty, and get him to do what we want? Do we make life so dif­ficult for him that we stop him disciplining the children as he knows to be right? Do we manipulate behind the scenes to get what we want, later presenting him with awkward-to-reverse faits accompli? I fear we do at times. Many of us believe that we can – and do – make better decisions than our husbands. We think we see situations more clearly, more sensitively – perhaps we’re convinced we understand more of what is going on than our busy husband does. But we have to stop and question ourselves here. Sometimes we’re just incorrect about this; sometimes we may be right but we just have to rest in the fact that God has given him the responsibility. And God will hold him accountable. God wants us to respect our husbands, not just give them the go-ahead to make the final call. Once we are married, respect is a bottom line. So, obviously, the time before marriage is an important time to think about this. Young ladies need to be realistic about some critical things, and to look carefully before saying ‘yes.’ They need to ask themselves these kinds of questions: Is this young man wise, or at least showing signs of becoming wise? Can I respect his judgment? Is he applying himself to the kinds of things that will make him a godly, discerning head of the household by the time he’s 35, say? Is he working hard at knowing God’s Word, reading good books, encouraging you in the same things? He may seem really attractive at 22, but will I be able to respect him, and submit to him at 45? Asking the right questions now may avoid some big difficulties later on.

In Church Life←⤒🔗

The Scriptures also speak about submis­siveness in church life. We should respect our leaders. This means holding them in high regard, not speaking of them with contempt, as if they have no idea what they’re doing. Sometimes women talk as if the elders and deacons might begin to show a little wisdom if only they would start listening to the women! Are we encouraging other (e.g. younger) women to respect the office bearers by refraining from this sort of gossip? It’s amazing how contagious disrespect can be... Another pitfall is neglecting to consult the leaders before launching projects that we and our friends get really excited about. All too often, we women get upset and offended when our already half-executed plans are questioned. If only we had discussed them first, we would have made life a lot easier for the office bearers and ourselves alike. We need to deal with pride and disrespect – submissiveness certainly contributes to harmony in the church.

It is the scriptural picture of this virtue that will motivate us from first to last. We will never be able to grasp it, or practice it, unless we keep Scripture before us. Christ himself shows us what it looks like in its perfection. As he told us, he came to do his Father’s will (not his own), and he submitted to his Father in everything. His humility was at the heart of his submissive obedience. We can see this clearly in Philippians 2. Have you fully grasped that the heart of submissiveness is humility? We need a humble attitude in relationships with others, and especially with those in authority over us. James reminds us of this when he tells us that we should submit ourselves to God. He quotes Proverbs 3:34: ‘God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.’ It is when we are humble that God gives us the grace to encounter every difficult situation, to respond lov­ingly in every difficult relationship, and so on. Peter writes the same thing when he exhorts younger people to submit to the elders: Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble,’ (the same verse as in Proverbs). We need so much to have a humble at­titude toward God and others. But if we do, God will give us the grace we need to be truly submissive.

The Inner Motivation←⤒🔗

Ephesians 5 is the passage most of us think of when this topic comes up in discussion. It is interesting, isn’t it, that everything Paul writes here points us to the inner motivation for submission. That motivation is our love for Christ. Marriage being a picture of Christ and his church, wives and husbands are reflecting the love between our Lord and his beloved when we submit (as wives) and love sacrificially (as husbands). Put like that, in its true, spir­itually-focused sense, we cannot go wrong when we are humbly and lovingly submissive in marriage. (And as a footnote, have you ever noticed that in verse 33 where Paul reiterates, he reminds us to ‘respect’ our husbands. We always associate this pas­sage with the word ‘submit’ but in actual fact Paul is interested in our heart attitude, not just outward our outward compliance. Women do sometimes see submission as an external thing only; but I wonder how, when respect, as Paul notes here, is inherent in it. You cannot really submit to someone without respecting them. It’s impossible. It would be like the child who, when told to sit down and does so, then retorts, ‘I’m sitting down on the outside, but inside I’m still standing up.’ We need to keep reminding ourselves us of this as long as we both shall live... There are rewards, of course – it is good for our husbands, good for our marriages, and good for our own hearts. It may even lead to the conversion of our husbands, should we have come to faith before them. Remember what Peter wrote? ‘...Be submissive to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives – when they see your respectful and pure conduct.’ (1 Peter 3:1-2).

A Fine Feminine Submission←⤒🔗

The loveliest example of feminine sub­missiveness I can think of in the whole of the Bible is that of a young woman, given some earth-shattering news by the angel Gabriel. Mary was frail, human and sinful, but God had chosen her to bear his only Son. This would involve her in some potential embarrassment: she was not yet married to Joseph, her betrothed. But having heard Gabriel’s message she simply said: ‘Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.’ (Luke 1:38).

And so let it be to us, in our walk with our God, and in all our human relationships. May our submissiveness bring him glory.