A Few Statistics⤒🔗

The website of the minister of justice gives the following information: One in three women appears to have been the victim of a form of sexual abuse before she was sixteen.  For men, it is about one in thirty.  The idea that children are always abused by the fathers is disproved.  Also people known to the family and relatives other than the immediate family circle belong to the aggressors.  It is true that the aggressors are mostly men.

Damaged emotions in children and young people do not always have a sexual background.  The “National Foundation for Spiritual Health of the People” announces on its website: From scientific research it is apparent that, in the Netherlands, annually, 50,000 to 80,000 children are abused in one way or another.  The line for advice and reporting of child abuse had 23,000 telephone contacts in 2001.  A generous 6,000 of these calls were actual reports of abuse; the rest were conversations giving advice and consultations.  The largest portion of the total number of cases of child abuse thus remains hidden.  In 1 of 4 reported cases of child abuse, it is a matter of psychological abuse or emotional neglect.

It is not known if it is any better in the churches.  Naturally, we should hope so, but it appears to me that as a realistic point of departure, we should accept that in the churches also there are children and young people with damaged emotions.

Broken Families←⤒🔗

Often the family forms a safe home for children, but more and more often it occurs that families are so broken that it is very difficult for the children to feel at home there and to occupy their own place in the home.  In increasing measure, it also occurs in the churches that the parents of the children are separated, or live apart.  Should the father or mother, after this, enter into a new relationship, then the children must become used to a new partner, who sometimes also brings children out of a former relationship into this household.  Aside from this, the situation brings with it a number of people who must receive a place in the child’s life as brother and sister, opa and oma (grandfather and grandmother), uncle and aunt.  Sometimes this whole situation is repeated again a few years later.  For children and young people, the question arises where they now stand, what is their own place in the whole where they can be themselves.  What is truly their “home”?

A Few Biblical Examples←⤒🔗

In the Bible, we can find all kinds of examples where the family unit and people who are related play a role.  Think, for example, about Isaac and Rebekah. Isaac prefers Esau and Jacob is Rebekah’s darling.   How much is broken by the preferential treatment of one of the children!  In Jacob’s life the family problems are repeated when conflict arises between Joseph and his brothers.  The sad, deepest point in this troublesome family history is shown in the sale of Joseph by his brothers.  Barely escaping death, he is sold as a slave heading for Egypt.  It is a miracle of God’s grace that he again brings together these people damaged through sin with their damaged emotions.  Their paths of life become intertwined in a unique way, so that, at the end, there is room for forgiveness, reconciliation and renewal.  That gives hope for situations that we judge to be hopeless.

In the Bible, we can also find examples of sacrifice and love within the framework of family and relatives.  Think of Ruth and Boaz: think of Timothy who grew up with a positive attitude through a believing mother and a believing grandmother.  When the relationships are good, that can mean a lot for those involved and as an example for others.  In a time when many social structures are rendered obsolete, it can be a positive witness within and outside of the congregation how families and extended families are places where (grand) parents and (grand) children experience and maintain warm relationships, give time and attention to each other, and prayerfully, share in each others’ lives.

The Bible is an honest book.  Places where people fall short and where conflicts in relationships, in families and extended families, are not hidden.  Also in this manner, children and young people can recognize and experience a parallel with their own circumstances.  Words from Scripture bring to their minds things that they can then lay beside their own situation.  A sermon in church or a Bible study at a meeting can release much.

Signs←⤒🔗

When it becomes apparent that there are significant problems, then as a rule, children and young people will not readily talk about it.  If enough trust is built that they do begin to share something about their problems, then it can still be the case that they keep silent about most of it out of fear or shame.  For example, that their father is an alcoholic who can attack mother and/or children viciously when he is drunk.  Perhaps also because they themselves are experimenting with drugs and are more deeply addicted then they at first thought.  Addiction makes you a slave of the drug you are consuming, but often you also become subject to the power and influence of the people for whom you must work to pay for your addiction.

Sexual abuse and other forms of abuse are very often accompanied with horrible threats to prevent the victim from speaking about it with anyone else.  It is logical that children and young people become afraid and insecure because of this.  Yet, it would not be honest to refrain from speaking about specific suspicions arising from strange blue bruises, bloody noses and other suspicious wounds.  A pastoral approach is not always the easiest, but it is cowardly to look the other way.  Signals that something is not in order can come to the fore within a congregation in a variety of ways.  In the situations known to me, the home visit was not the place where the first indications were given.  Often it is the people around the victim who play a role in this.  Only after that, office bearers eventually come into the picture.

A Pastoral Approach←⤒🔗

Officebearers are not professional counsellors.  They have another task.  The expertise of office bearers is that they desire to share the deepest things of the heart honestly with God and with people.  At the will of Christ, they are there to heal that which has been broken through sin.  A pastoral approach by office bearers is not intended and does not desire to block the necessary professional help, but rather to augment or to open the way for such help.  Added to this, within the church congregation, there is the situation and practical problem where not only the victim but also the perpetrator(s) are part of the congregation.  Therefore, all have the right to pastoral help, but in such a situation it is not wise to allow the counselling to happen at one address by one person.  How rapidly the impression can inadvertently be given that the minister or the elder supports the side of either the perpetrator or the victim(s).  That brings a muddied element into the pastoral discussion.  Therefore it is better to divide the pastoral work between more than one person.  There are even situations that come to mind where the pastoral counselling is beyond the strength and ability of one consistory and therefore the consistory chooses to involve its counsellor in the issue.  In all cases, it comes down to an atmosphere where one can openly speak about what has occurred, for only the truth can truly free someone (John 8:32).

The perpetrator must be saved from the circle of the devil within which he has locked himself and his victim(s) in order to do evil.  He must be freed in order to see and to admit what he has done to others, in order to open up the way of repentance and forgiveness.   The victim must be freed from the situation of abuse and mistreatment.  Naturally, all kinds of emotions will be released with regard to the perpetrator.  There must be room for this and time must be given to be able to deal with what has happened.  However, the victim must not become locked into feelings of revenge or bitterness.

In the practical aspects of pastoral administration, it is not easy to do adequate justice to the victims for what they have experienced and yet to point them to the way of forgiveness and reconciliation for the sake of Christ.  The way of forgiveness and reconciliation and renewal is often strewn with all kinds of obstacles.  Grace is not a cheap excuse or an easy way out for those who have done evil.  The grace of Christ is definitely not to be taken for granted.  It is always connected with his bitter suffering and death.  It is a gift of God to those who have not deserved it.  The beautiful parable of Matthew 18:21-35 indicates that those who have themselves received grace are called to also share this grace.  In spite of the effort that that can cost, it frees them to be able to forgive sincerely from the heart.

Conclusion←⤒🔗

A pastoral approach towards children and young people with emotional damage can only be successful when you have succeeded in winning their trust.  For that, you need an attitude of love, attention, and acceptance.  Do not ever become angry or impatient, but remain open to the other person.  Let the person with whom you are speaking feel that he or she is being accepted as a creation of God, a person who can be redeemed only through the grace of Christ, a person who can never really come into his or her own if they have not come to know Christ.