This model addresses the two-sided problem of miscommunication (speaking) and misunderstanding (hearing). In this lecture we will look at the three dimensions of communication: the message, the communicator and the receiver. I am not using the words “speaker” and “hearer” in this triad, because communication involves much more than speaking and hearing.

The Message⤒🔗

The pastor is in the communication business. Whatever else he is, he is a communicator. Everything he does is about communication. Communication, you might say, is his product, or his service. Whether he is preaching, counselling, chairing a board of elders, emailing, blogging, Facebooking, writing newsletters, evangelizing, meeting someone in the street, or even just standing in a public place, he is communicating! He is communicating a message. His words, his expressions, his tone of voice, his body language, even his clothes are communicating a message. An awareness of this continuous communication mode is the first step we take in becoming good communicators.

There is no point in being a skillful preacher if our person-to-person communication skills are poor. The one will simply undermine the other. We can be as eloquent as Cicero, but if we spell like an infant in our emails then our credibility and reliability will be undermined. So let me give you four questions to ask about any message that you are communicating.

What is My Message?←↰⤒🔗

First of all: what is my message? Whether we are preaching, leading a Bible study, visiting a sick person or writing a report, we need a clear statement of purpose. What do I want to get across here, and can I sum it up in a simple sentence?

Is My Message Accurate?←↰⤒🔗

Secondly: is my message accurate? Is this true? Am I telling the truth—the whole truth and nothing but the truth? One would surely hope that spiritual leaders would never intentionally tell a lie. However, it can be very tempting to tell the truth but not the whole truth, especially when we are facing problems in a congregation or in a personal relationship. We may hold back something that does not present ourselves in the best possible light.

Is My Message Appropriate?←↰⤒🔗

Thirdly: is my message appropriate? We can be clear and truthful about our message and yet fail to communicate, because our message may use words that are too big or sentences that are too long. Alternatively, if we are addressing educated and mature Christians, we must not come across as condescending and demeaning. And what about the tone of the message? If dealing with hurt and wounded people: am I communicating like a sympathetic friend, or like a math teacher dealing with statistics? If communicating with critics: am I addressing them as an angry opponent out to win an argument, or as a gentle peacemaker out to win them over? If dealing with serious sin: am I communicating the gravity of the situation, or am I trying to sweeten the bitter pill with lashings of comedy?

Is This the Right Medium?←↰⤒🔗

Fourthly: is this the right medium? The pastor has many vehicles for his words today. On top of sermons he has Bible studies, fellowship meetings, counseling sessions, family visitation, private conversation, email, private letters, congregational newsletters, pulpit announcements, telephone, letters to newspapers, blogs, podcasts… There is just a huge number of vehicles for our words today! And we have to remember that the medium is part of the message, and therefore has to be chosen wisely if we do not want to damage the message itself.

So, four questions about the message: What is my message? Is my message accurate? Is my message appropriate? Is this the right medium?

The Communicator←⤒🔗

Secondly, let’s look at the communicator. I would like to give you six points here.

Clarify Your Message←↰⤒🔗

First of all, clarify your message. I have already referred to this, but I cannot underline it enough. Dennis Prutow recently wrote a book on preaching called So Pastor, What’s Your Point? His point was that we can preach for forty minutes plus and leave people none the wiser. “What was all that about?” they ask each other as they leave. There may have been lots of good ideas, but no real point to what was being said. And that is not only true of preaching; it is true of emails, announcements, comments at elders’ meetings, etc.

We can confuse our message by saying too little and not explaining enough. Sometimes we assume too much. We think everyone knows the background as we do. Sometimes we do not trust people enough. We think that they will misunderstand, or that “They shouldn’t really know this, anyway.” But whether over-assuming or under-trusting, the end result is that people are left scratching their heads or shaking them.

However, by far the most common problem for pastors is at the other end of the scale—not saying too little, but saying far too much. They confuse and they bamboozle by verbosity. It is one of the hardest, yet most essential, skills a pastor can acquire: to summarize and simplify. Can I shorten this sentence? Can I use smaller words? Can I be less abstract and more concrete? Can I illustrate? Do I need say the same thing three times? Do I need to say this at all? And I am not here speaking primarily about preaching; I am talking about all our communications.

Consider the Purpose←↰⤒🔗

Secondly, consider the purpose. What are you trying to achieve with this message? When you ask such questions, you start thinking about how you should dress, body language and environment. If you are wanting to show care, for example, to a lonely young widow, you do not do that by dressing like a teenager and visiting her late at night alone. If you want to persuade a young woman not to marry a non-Christian guy, then you don’t address her at the youth fellowship with her present. If you want to comfort a man on the loss of his wife then you don’t do that in a restaurant with the possibility of him breaking down in public. So ask: what are you trying to achieve with this message? And then think about how you can best achieve that purpose.

Imagine the Hearing Scenario←↰⤒🔗

Thirdly, create the hearing scenario in your mind. The Indian proverb says, “Try to walk a mile in another person’s moccasins.” The most skillful communicators are able to sympathize and empathize with those they are communicating with. They are able to imagine what it is like to live their life and be in their situation. He looks at the background, the history, the pressures, the stresses, the health issues, the job situation, and so on, and tries to live in that world by imagination. And then he tries to hear or read his message as if living their life. So we have to ask not just “How am I going to say this?” but “How is this going to be heard?”

Consult with Others←↰⤒🔗

Fourthly, consult with others. Some preachers run their sermons past their elders, and some even do the same with their wives. Well, I have never done that, and I don’t recommend it either. That can become a bondage, and also unduly influence what God has given us to say. The only exception I would make is if you are dealing with a particularly sensitive issue. Then it might be worth passing it by someone. And that is when I believe consultation comes in most—when dealing with sensitive issues.

If the elders ask you to address the congregation on a potentially controversial or divisive issue, then make sure every elder signs off on the statement before it is issued. Give enough time for feedback, and incorporate as much as you can of that feedback before sending it out to them again for final approval before going public. If you are dealing with criticism, then ask a trusted person or two to review your response (if you are writing it) or to consult with you beforehand and then come with you (if you are going to be face-to-face with the person). If you blog, tweet, Facebook or publish congregational newsletters, it is worth having one or two people to whom you are accountable and who will give you feedback about the impression you are giving.

Check Motivation←↰⤒🔗

Fifthly, check motivation. If our motivation is wrong, then our communication is also bound to go wrong in tone or content. Why am I writing this or saying this? Is it to make myself look good? Is it to attack someone and prove them wrong? Is it to keep a person or family in the church at all costs? What is my motivation?

Confirm Receipt←↰⤒🔗

Sixthly, confirm receipt. We will be dealing with the receiving side of communication in the next section of this lecture, but just a word here on the importance of confirming whether the communication is being received and whether the right people have received it.

Let me give you a concrete example. What happens in the congregation when a person dies? Do you have a system in place for the rapid dissemination of that information? Do you have a way of making sure that the district elder and deacons have definitely received the news? Or take a response to important questions or criticisms or communicating important decisions of the elders to individuals and groups affected by these decisions. If you do this by letter or email, do you have a way of ensuring, confirming, that the message did get through?

The Receiver←⤒🔗

Listen to some of these quotes. “I think that perhaps 80% of my work depends on my listening to someone, or on someone else listening to me.” “I’ve been thinking back about things that have gone wrong over the past couple of years, and I suddenly realized that many of the troubles have resulted from someone not hearing something, or getting it in a distorted way.” “It’s interesting to me that we have considered so many facets of communication [here], but have inadvertently overlooked listening.” Are these the comments of pastors? No, it is the results of a 1957 survey about the role of workplace listening at a major manufacturing plant in the Chicago area. And if it was true in factories, how much more in churches! And if it was true then, how much more now.

Listening is a vitally important skill and as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well. We spend 45% of our time doing it, yet 75% of the time we are meant to be listening, we are distracted or preoccupied. We only comprehend probably about 25% of what we hear.

It seems to me that there is a glaring fault in many, if not most pastors: they are horrible listeners. I find that pastors are some of the worst listeners I have ever been around. I know that this could only be my experience, but I truly doubt it. Now don’t misunderstand me, this is not true of all pastors, but I find that it is true of many. And it grieves me.

It seems to me that pastors tend to be poor listeners for a few reasons: they are usually assertive people and have trouble slowing down, have honestly heard many of the same things multiple times (counseling situations, theological questions, etc.) thus they feel like they “know” where the conversation is headed, they are multi-taskers who tend to think they can listen and think about other things at the same time, and they are used to talking/preaching with others listening to them!

If there are men who should be good at listening, it should be pastors. How can we truly minister to the sheep of Christ unless we know them? And how do we know them unless we listen to them? 

Most pastors I know love the Lord and love the people under their care. However, often our people doubt it because they don’t sense it. And they often don’t sense it, because we don’t listen.

I have found listening to God’s people to be one of the most enjoyable exercises in life. It is a true blessing to hear how God is working and has worked in the lives of individuals. What stories God has given each person! What passions each individual has! And what sorrows, discouragements, and fears are in every being I have ever met! Each of these cries out for a listening ear. And what benefit there is in the kingdom when pastors not only teach and preach and talk, but listen to their people. This will only provide greater knowledge and wisdom for your current and future ministry to this person. And who knows…maybe you will even be ministered to by listening to them.Jason Helopoulos, Gospel Coalition, 2010

So let me give you a checklist of listening skills that you should seek to develop.

Careful Listening←↰⤒🔗

First of all, careful listening. When was the last time you had a phone conversation without checking your email? or filing at the same time? or driving at the same time? When was the last time that you had a face-to-face conversation that you stayed with, mentally and emotionally, from start to finish? Gretchen Rubins’ The Happiness Project stormed its way to the top of the New York Times bestsellers list. But Linda Stone’s Attention Project might actually the best way to start any happiness project. Stone argues that most of us operate with what she calls “continual partial attention” (CPA). She distinguishes CPA from the simple and useful multitasking of the past and warns that it leads to overstimulation, a cascade of stress hormones and a lack of fulfillment. The remedy, she says, is to retrain ourselves to pay attention. Make sure you are paying continuous, careful attention to what the person is saying. Listen for change of tone, volume, pace, intensity, and for pauses. Unless you prearranged it with the listener(s), do not interrupt conversations in meetings by checking your email or taking a phone call. And don’t be looking everywhere else when talking to someone or listening to someone.

Patient Listening←↰⤒🔗

Secondly, patient listening. Apparently we can think at 1000-3000 words per minute, listen at 400-500 words per minute, but the average speaker speaks at a 125-175 words per minute. So we think at up to 3000 words per minute, listen at up to 500 words per minute, but can only speak at 175 words per minute. In other words, we have to deliberately slow down our minds to listen well. Don’t interrupt, and don’t jump in immediately, as it can look as if you were not listening, but really just waiting to speak.

Loving Listening←↰⤒🔗

Thirdly, loving listening. What makes a man a great preacher? Well, I am not sure if being a great listener would be among the top answers. Yet that is what Burk Parsons persuasively argues in The Wisdom of Listening. This is what he says:

In fact, the greatest speakers, the greatest teachers, and the greatest preachers are the greatest listeners. Often, it is assumed that in order to be a great preacher one must merely be a great speaker. However, it must be understood (especially by men who are training for future pastoral ministry) that the greatest preachers, the most consistent, steadfast, staunchly biblical preachers are the greatest listeners.Burk Parsons, Ligonier Ministries, 2008

Burk says that great listening produces great preachers because “they have earned the right to be heard.” Years of listening and learning have produced wisdom that is worth hearing. Burk’s focus here is on the head—great listeners are great learners.

Well, I am going to piggyback on Burk’s insight and also add a focus on the heart—great listeners are great lovers. And let me quickly explain what I mean there. Passionate love produces passionate listening. One of the best ways to communicate, “I love you” is to communicate, “I am listening to you.” Even when what the person is saying is so boring or so wrong. When people feel listened to, they feel loved, and respond with loving listening. When people sense that their pastor is carefully and prayerfully listening to them in their homes on a Thursday evening, it is so much easier to listen to him on a Sunday morning. His great listening in their homes produces great listening in church. In fact, his great listening transforms him in their hearts and minds into a great preacher.

Gracious Listening←↰⤒🔗

Fourthly, gracious listening. The pastor is a trained communicator. That is his business. He is good at it (or he should be). Most people have not had the training or practice that we have had. Their speaking skills may be poor, and we may catch ourselves wanting to get away. Try to listen to the content rather than judge how they are saying it. In other words, stop counting the coughs, the “uh”s, the “ah”s, the “um”s, and stop judging how they appear. There are others who are passionate about something (like their arthritis) that completely bores you. Again, you are tempted to excuse yourself. Or you see the multi-millionaire pass by while you are talking to an unemployed man, and the money man seems to be so much more interesting. Listening gives us an opportunity to exercise grace to the poor speakers, the boring speakers, the unimportant speakers. Think about how God listens to your poor, boring, and unimportant prayers.

Interactive Listening←↰⤒🔗

Fifthly, interactive listening. Listening is not just one person talking and the other person standing there doing nothing. Good listeners interact with what they hear, which in turn encourages the speaker to keep going. You interact by reminding that you are listening with short affirmations (i.e., “uh huh,” “yes,” “ok”) and nods of the head. You interact by repeating what is said from time to time (“Did I hear you say…?”) You interact by rephrasing what you heard to show that you are not just listening, but understanding (“You mean that he actually…?”) And you interact by reflecting the feeling that accompanies what is said (“You seem to be very upset” or “You must be very lonely”). Interactive listening. Remind, repeat, rephrase, and reflect.

Body Listening←↰⤒🔗

Sixthly, body listening. In a sense, everybody is bilingual. We all have verbal language and body language. Statistics show that good communicators make eye contact 50% of the time when speaking and 90% of the time when listening. We also listen with our eyebrows, our facial expressions, our arms. Our body angle—facing a person equals warm; turned away equals cold. We listen with our posture—very erect equals defensive; bowed shoulders equals teachable. We listen with our legs—open legs equals friendly; crossed legs often equals resistant. We listen with our hands—fists communicates aggression and opposition; open hands indicates intimate friendliness. We listen with our angle—if we are leaning away, we are disbelieving; leaning in means we are interested.

Of course, this is not about getting the body posture right really. It is really about getting the heart right, and that should then be reflected in the body. But just be aware of how much your body will reflect your listening posture. Renowned historian Paul Johnson said, “Any leader aspiring to greatness must do two things, and he must do them not just at supreme moments or occasionally but all the time. Of course, there are many other things a leader must do, but these are the two that matter most: to listen and to tell the truth.” Sounds so simple, doesn’t it? Yet, as Johnson highlights in his Forbes Magazine column, these are rare individual traits, and even rarer in combination.” He does go on to tell some entertaining and challenging stories about past Presidents that pastors could do well to learn from.

Here are my three favorites:

George Washington listened all his life because he loved to learn and because he had no overwhelming desire to speak, unlike most of those in public life. One passion a leader should forgo, if possible, is a love affair with his own voice…Washington, happily, liked the sound of his own silence…When I was writing my book George Washington, I failed to come across any occasion when he had deliberately concealed the truth from anyone who had a right to know it.

One President who admirably combined taciturnity and veracity was Calvin Coolidge, that unobtrusive and so underrated man. He was aptly called "Silent Cal." He listened courteously to all his visitors but would not be drawn out. He said: "Nine-tenths of a President's callers at the White House want something they ought not to have. If you keep dead still they will run down in three or four minutes." So Coolidge would remain mute. Slight twitches of his facial muscles spoke for him. He was described as "an eloquent listener." When he did speak, however, it was the truth. 

Considering all he had to do and say, Lincoln spoke amazingly little. As he put it (on Aug. 6, 1862), "I am very little inclined on any occasion to say anything unless I hope to produce some good by it." His Gettysburg Address is a classic instance--there is none better in history--of using as few words as possible (261, to be precise) while conveying a powerful message. Lincoln always endeavored to tell the truth and to ensure that all heard it by clothing it in arresting language. Paul Johnson, Forbes Magazine, 2010

Let me conclude. Listening, when done well, is a tiring activity. It is an active, rather than a passive, ability, and it should leave you feeling exhausted. But listening is also a rewarding activity; it is personally rewarding, and people will reward you too. As we have seen, people are more likely to listen to you if you listen to them. And listening should be a natural activity. Sometimes a discussion like this can make a person analyze everyone else as a scientist. Try to absorb some of these lessons, but let it become second nature to you rather than a conscious effort. Finally, listening is a Christ-like activity. He is not only the greatest message and the greatest communicator, but also the greatest listener.