Unsuccessful marriages appear to be increasingly common with more than 40% of all first marriages and 60% of all remarriages in the UK ending in divorce. The rate of marriage breakdown among those who undergo trial “live-in relationships” before “tying the knot” is also much higher than for those who don’t. The pain of divorce is usually worse than bereavement as the loss is no less, but the memories are dominated by bitterness, pain, shame from a sense of failure and often guilt and despair. All this is in the context of an age where there never were so many books giving advice about succeeding in marriage and so many professionally trained marriage counsellors. Even Christian marriages are increasingly ending prematurely in trouble and sometimes divorce.

Most marriage problems stem from two fundamental sources: wrong views about marriage or wrong behaviour within marriage.

We live increasingly in a post-christian society that has replaced a biblical world view with a pagan mindset. The result is that many young people are entering into marriage with very little idea of how God intended it to operate. They have been erroneously taught in college and by the media that marriage is a result of the evolution of society and is merely a social experiment that increases the chances of successfully raising children. The logical consequence is that if the experiment does not appear to be working very well then it is best to abandon it.

Marriage is Designed by God and not Devised by Man⤒🔗

We must never forget that marriage is designed by God for the ordering and wellbeing of society (Genesis chapter 2). It was established by God at the beginning of creation and is designed for the well-being of all people whether they are professedly Christian or not. The principles for its successful operation are also laid down in the Bible. It follows that for marriage counselors to have success they must base their diagnosis and advice on biblical principles. It is not enough for counselors to be professing Christians; it is essential they use biblical principles and not non-christian therapies with a “christian” veneer.

The Primary Purpose of Marriage is Companionship←⤒🔗

Eve was created by God primarily to provide companionship to Adam (Genesis 2:18). This necessitates a close human relationship in which there is an ability and willingness to amicably discuss major issues together and to be open and honest with each other. Marriage is a commitment to provide companionship to the other partner. In entering into marriage each partner is pledging to be the best friend of the other. Sex and the propagation of children is a secondary rather than a primary aspect of marriage. The role of the wife is to be a “help-meet” or a helper who is suitable for her husband. She should complement his abilities and this is the reason why “opposites” often make an excellent combination.

Openness in Marriage Means Togetherness in Everything←⤒🔗

Marriage alters life for both partners. For the husband his wife must take precedence over his sports and hobbies. For the wife, her husband must take precedence over her family, and her girlfriends. Marriage is a commitment to become a new person and to begin a new way of living. Many marriages break down because a partner is unaware of, or unwilling to make the changes required.

The Obligation of Marriage is to Give←⤒🔗

Adam gave Eve a rib in order for Eve to give Adam companionship. A good marriage is all about giving. This is the foundation of traditional Christian marriage vows e.g. “Who giveth this woman to be married to this man?” and such promises as “to love, honour and cherish”. Each partner is entering into a covenant to give to the other the love, care and companionship they require. They should be continually asking the questions “What should I do to make my marriage partner happy?” and “How can I please God by fulfilling his desires for my marriage?” The modern approach, which contributes immensely to marriage failure, is to focus primarily on “What can I get out of this relationship?” and to develop a resultant selfish attitude which is inimical to happy relations. It creates unrealistic expectations, leads to selfish exploitation and results in disintegration of the marriage.

Marriage is All About Commitment←⤒🔗

In February there was a television programme called “Valentine Brides” featuring a number of girls all living with their partners and desiring regularisation into marriage. In each case their boyfriends were not interested in marriage and the aim of the programme was to publicly shame them into getting wed. It was clearly evident that the men were unlikely to voluntarily commit themselves into a legally binding marriage covenant as long as they could get the benefits of marriage without it. The strategy of the women in allowing their boyfriends to co-habit with them was in practice actually a hindrance to their desire to get them to marry them. Sin is always deceptive and counter-productive.

It was noticeable that in the TV service the permanent aspect conveyed by such terms as “till death us do part” was totally absent and that the character of marriage had been changed from a lifelong commitment to an indeterminate relationship of convenience. This is increasingly the attitude of our immoral, permissive society and it seriously reduces the determination to overcome problems in marriage relationships when they arise.

True marriage is a publicly expressed, lifelong commitment to provide care and companionship to one another till death separates. Such a resolve gives security and confidence to both marriage partners and the motivation to persevere in seeking a resolution of any problems which may arise.

Romantic Love is not a Reliable Basis for Marriage←⤒🔗

Our modern society stresses the overriding importance of romantic love and we sometimes hear “Our marriage is over because I don’t love him/her anymore!” Such erroneous views persist despite the statistics in multicultural Britain that show “arranged marriages” work better and last longer than purely romantic ones.

Most marriages recorded in the Bible were primarily of the “arranged” variety. The Bible does not view love as the indispensable prerequisite of marriage, but as the privilege and responsibility of it. True love is different from and vastly superior to romantic love which is fickle and usually like beauty only skin deep. Scripture likens the relationship of Christ to his Church to that of the Bridegroom to his Bride. The words of John regarding our Saviour are relevant “We love Him because He first loved us”. (1 John 4:19)

Vows of commitment are what constitute a marriage, not the presence or absence of largely irrational feelings within it. Marriage is not a feeling but a contractual agreement between two people to live together as a single unit of society. It is a serious commitment to always show love to each other whether or not they feel so inclined.

True Love is More Practical than Emotional←⤒🔗

The love of God expressed in the Bible is always practical. It is illustrated by the well known words “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son...”

True love is thoughtful, serious, determined, committed and self-giving. It is best seen in a devotion to duty when things are difficult rather than in giddy behaviour in the presence of others. It utilises the principle that the giving of oneself to another will stimulate feelings of love, and that the best and most reliable feelings follow acts of kindness.

Emotions are inherently changeable and can be lost and regained. The best way to recapture emotional feelings of love is to show deeds of practical kindness to the other person. When love seems to have gone out of a marriage the best way to restore it is for each partner to honour their marriage vows and to show practical kindness to the other. The recipe for the ideal love filled marriage is for each partner to do their utmost to please the other. The practical exposition of what love means in 1 Cor. 13:4-7 is something that needs to be continually kept in mind;

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. NIV

Such love in action, verse 8 assures us “never fails”.