Gouda in the Netherlands has a magnificent town hall that is worth seeing. It is equally beautiful on all sides and its surroundings leave ample space to view this ancient building.

As you walk up the stairs of the town hall, an old saying, written in Latin, draws your attention. Immediately you understand what is meant by it, although it must be admitted that in practice it is rather difficult to apply what is recorded. Hence, it is good to pay attention to this word of “the world,” especially when dealing with each other in the church. Being very careful and thorough in the church cannot hurt. With great clarity it is written: hear the other party too!

Listening⤒🔗

We sometimes see the reality that another person is allowed to speak, but without really hearing or listening to what is being said. It was only a matter of “decency” to let him speak, but there was no listening.

You can maybe even do this while faking some interest, but often it is done without even showing any interest in the words of others. In essence, you just let the other talk. You hear it “willingly,” but the other person will note that this willingness may also be explained in a different way. And certainly what follows suggests that this impression is correct.

For your feelings do not deceive you. The only thing he is thinking is: just let him talk. With patience you are left the space and given the time to say something. Sometimes there is even a specific time allotted for it, but that is it. Formally, the request to be heard has been granted. But it has no significance, since nobody really listened and judgment has already been made. So, in order to not convey a bad impression, you have been given the opportunity to speak. They were decent to you, and now they can just ignore you for the rest.

Engaging←⤒🔗

You seem to be heading in the right direction when people do not just listen to you, but ask the necessary questions. It seems that there is interest in what you have to say. From the questions, it appears that something has piqued their interest. More is wanted from you and you are allowed to voice your comments and considerations.

However, you cannot dispel the impression, as the conversation continues to evolve, that you will only be superficially engaged (heard). The questions continue. Not to come to a fair judgment with the information that has been obtained. No, in the end they are still only “allowing you to talk” and not really interested.

Interrogation←⤒🔗

Sometimes you can be asked a few questions with a very direct and serious attitude, which you are expected to then answer. Preferably you should do so immediately, but if need be you are allowed to think about the matter for a while. In the interest of making good progress in the “research,” it is desirable, in the foreseeable future, to find out what you think about several issues.

In this kind of conversation, if you can call it that, you feel hemmed in. It is hard to speak of an honest process, in such a case. For it is done in a manner that should not be allowed to happen in a Christian community. And then we are far removed from the brotherly conversation, to which we are called in God’s Word.

Hearing←⤒🔗

It’s a special art (or gift) to listen. So as to do justice to the other person. It is listening closely in this respect. Because if you do not really hear what the other is saying, it’s not possible to give a fair judgment, as far as it is ever possible to be completely honest. For we are sinful people who very quickly become subjective and impose our own understanding in listening to others. To really hear somebody, it is necessary to place yourself in the other person’s shoes.

The Lord Jesus taught us this lesson: what you want others to do to you, do likewise to them. That’s why we always must ask ourselves in such situations: if it was me, would I want to be treated that way? That is why we must ask: what does the other really have to say? Additionally, as Christians, we are required to assume the good intention of the other. As such, we cannot avoid asking the Lord to teach us to listen to the other person, created in God’s image. In other words, that in him we meet his Creator. So that we have the conversation before God’s countenance. Not to be right, not to blame the other, but to obtain the truth. Especially when it concerns things that could distort or have already affected relationships. In a brotherly conversation the heart of the one as well as the other must be open! Then we both conduct the conversation in God’s presence.

In such a situation in the church, we do not need to swear an oath, for here our yes is yes and our no is no. In a brotherly conversation, it’s not about getting rid of the other, but about preserving a brother. And of course, also here we may speak in the plural.

In our adopted Church Order we have declared that ecclesiastical matters are discussed in an ecclesiastical way. That means that we deal with each other in a spiritual way and conduct a spiritual conversation. This requires spiritually minded people! But we must also say from Scripture that in the congregation of the Lord, things can be carnal. Even though we are explicitly called upon not to walk according to the flesh, but in accordance with the Spirit.

Two-sided←⤒🔗

When a conversation is one-sided, little or nothing is to be expected. If on the one hand the judgement is already determined, we have not even satisfied the worldly saying: also hear the other party. In the church, then, we should be ashamed of our impolite and especially our unwelcome behavior. Especially when listening to what is “supposedly” said and claimed. It is not that easy to do justice to the other person. It requires a lot of carefulness to be spared from one-sidedness, and thereby for a unbiblical judgment.

Also in this regard we ought to pray every day, “Search me and know my heart, O LORD!”

There are people who quickly succumb to a judgment without really listening or finding the facts. The first speaker is always right! When people come to us with their “story” and we believe this immediately, we do not have the Scripture on our side. Especially in the book of Proverbs we receive heavenly instruction, which we dearly need in this regard. Even in the church, we sometimes suffer from hasty and caustic judges. This results in a lot of harm, and if God does not prevent it, it can have lifelong consequences.

Can we justify what we say about someone else?

What we say and what we write must be brought before God, with the question whether the Lord wants to instruct us as to whether our judgment agrees with his knowledge of all things. He perceives everything as the all-knowing and omnipresent one. He executes his judgment over good and evil, as he reveals to us in his Word.

There are things that we do not know and many things we are blind to. Therefore, it is essentially not a matter of approaching things from two sides, but looking at three sides. What does the other say? Listen to him or her. No less important is: hear also. Really listen. The decisive directive is: what is the judgment of the Lord!

Hearing God, and obediently listening to him, who is and speaks the truth, causes listening to (and hearing) all other people.

This listening to the other, also in dealings with one another, also in all of church life, will be great blessing.