In various places, the Bible says something about marriage and divorce. But how do you apply relevant words from the Bible when you are concretely confronted with a divorce? I will present a few practical situations as an example.

I presented the following problem to a diverse group of brothers from within and outside of our own church.

A Good Feeling⤒🔗

A man divorced his wife. The reason he gave was her mental sickness which made a normal marriage life impossible. Now and then, she was taken to a hospital. In the meantime, he came to know a woman belonging to a congregation with the same structure and regulations. Both ‘felt’ that they were destined to be together, convinced that the Lord had brought them to each other.

The church council regarded remarriage after divorce to be possible only in the case of adultery or malicious abandonment. The abandoned one is then free to enter a new marriage.

Both are disappointed in this. Meanwhile, they have already gone to church several times in a fairly orthodox borough in X. If their home congregations continue to refuse their request, then they will join that church and have their marriage ceremony performed there. ‘No problem,’ says the minister concerned.

How do you come out of this impasse? Two brothers suggest that the man should confess his sin, through which the way to a new marriage will be opened…

Biblical Norms←⤒🔗

In general, people agree that the threat to change to another church reeks of blackmail. Is that the fruit of a life with the Lord? This question is even more valid, considering the fact that the man left his ‘sick’ spouse in order to trade in for a ‘healthy’ woman. How can that be reconciled with the marriage vows, with the sworn vows to share better and worse, health and sickness, and with the willingness to take up our cross and carry it after Jesus?

Both speak about God’s hand. People committing adultery are prone to assure others that this love is from God, thus… In Numbers 15:39, the warning sounds against taking advice from one’s own heart (feelings), but to be ruled by the words of God.

Moreover, whoever walks away from the oversight of his consistory is doing much more than perhaps he realizes or admits. Admittedly, it has not entered the minds of this man and woman that it is not about the rules of a local church or national federation of churches, but about Biblical norms. However difficult that can be at times, we are helping these people from the frying pan into the fire if we do not stick with Scripture.

In the above-mentioned case, the answer appears to be very clear to me. However, the answer to the problem is not always so clear. There are also situations of bitter grief, in which we would love to grant what is requested. One brother said to me, “Pastoral points of view are not pastoral where they are inspired by ‘human deliberation’ and are not grounded on God’s Word.” In the least, such a sentence invites one to rethink the situation thoroughly. Only by going in the path that the Lord shows will we find rest and peace and true happiness: “I will regard your commandments, that I truly love, as my highest delight and the satisfaction of my soul.”

Reparation←⤒🔗

That means, therefore, that the man in question must not simply make a confession of sin, after which there is no longer any pollution in the air. In this case, he is basically asked to condemn his own dealings, through which space is created to be able to continue on the broken path.

In this case, a confession of guilt has integrity only if he returns to his first wife. That way is still open. It is not about the quality of the relationship, but about perseverance in faithfulness and love, conforming to the once given “I do.” Concretely, that now also means that he will continue to care for her to the best of his ability, even if he is formally divorced from her.

Our first effort continues to be the urging of making amends. In this, we show the image of Him Who continuously came back to His adulterous people.

Self-consciousness←⤒🔗

Now, every pastor who has been ministering for a longer period of time knows of situations which made him less willing to make a judgment.

Alex and Helma had been married for almost twelve years. Together, they have three children. Helma suffers from a serious bi-polar disorder (manic-depression). Every year she spends a number of weeks or even months in the hospital. There is no question of being able to have a normal family or marriage life. In the manic phase, the strangest things happen. Because of his busy employment tasks, Alex could not give the necessary time to the raising of his children. Ultimately Child and Family Services stepped in and placed the children in foster homes. After a few more years of struggle, Alex decided to divorce his wife. Shortly after that he met a woman with whom he entered into marriage. The children returned home. Their stepmother was like their own mother to them. A harmonious family life blossomed. Deeply moved, Alex told me that he could finally keep the promises he made at baptism. He chose for his children. When he died, he died in peace.

As pastor, you want to hold yourself fully to Scripture, but at the same time, you feel the tension of the brokenness of life. Choices that people have made sometimes seem to have been unavoidable, although they contradict the command of God.

A retired colleague with an excellent record of service reminded me of Jesus’ meeting with the adulterous woman (John 8). Seen from a legal point of view, the Pharisees were correct in the decision to stone this woman. Jesus’ reaction is well-known.

Sometimes it appears that you must accept an evil in order to prevent worse from happening.

Fault or guilt←⤒🔗

A gentleman, divorced from his wife, is angry about the decision made in his congregation about marriage after divorce. He wrote, “Be convinced, … that when a third party forces its way into a marriage, this is almost always the result of quarreling within the marriage, and seldom the cause! Thus, it is outstandingly unfair to point to one as the scapegoat, while the other goes out scot-free.” How, then, can there be a question of a no-fault divorce?

There are ministers who, for this reason, will never solemnize a second marriage, since, from their point of view “Where two quarrel, two are guilty. And if one of the two ‘cheats,’ then the other one will most certainly have given cause for this…”

This is a rigid point of view. It is a curve in the road that is taken at a high speed. It will be true that nobody will come out of a broken relationship without guilt. Let us then say that one has the greater guilt. Thereby we avoid that the victim of adultery is left out in the cold.

But that also does not satisfy me. When it is about actual ‘cheating,’ it should not be possible to speak about that in a relativistic way and then say, “We are all sinners. Aw, you should know what plays around in my heart and how often I sin in my thoughts.” However true this may be, it is not relevant here and leads away from the seriousness of the ‘error.’ Inadvertently, it places an alibi in the hands of the main guilty party. If indeed the woman denied her husband sexual intercourse, what is the underlying cause? Did he deprive her of emotional closeness and security? Why did the man not ask for help?

Home Visitation←⤒🔗

A reformed colleague proposes that at home visitations, information is also sought about the marriage life. His experience is that good, constructive conversations can flow forth out of the introduction of that topic. That is an idea that we could adopt.