Forgiving can be very profound.

You are actually giving something of yourself.

But how is that possible if the other person does not want accept it?

I wrote about this topic a little more than a year ago in this column.  ¹The occasion was a women’s convention in the Netherlands Reformed Churches.  ²It was said during this convention that a child of God does, indeed, forgive, even though the other party does not repent. If we do not forgive others, the door between the Father and us is closed, wrote a reporter who attended the convention.  ³

Meanwhile some time has passed. I received a number of questions about my article. Also a reaction from someone who took a different approach. I also want to acknowledge that colleague A.T. van der Scheer has recommended one-sided forgiveness in the periodical for office bearers, Dienst.⁴In contrast, colleague J. Oosterhuis, soon after van der Scheer’s recommendation, disagreed with an “uncircumscribed, unguarded recommending of forgiveness,” because he believes that the Bible always regards remorse as a condition precedent for forgiveness.⁵

Thus there are sufficient reasons to revisit this topic. For it is clearly a lively topic and that is a good thing. For forgiveness involves the life-blood of the Christian church.

First I want to review what I wrote earlier. After that I shall recount the reactions to it and other articles and interact with them.

More Merciful than God?⤒🔗

The issue that concerns me is this: should we be more merciful than God? And should we do that with an appeal to Jesus?

Nowhere in the Bible can I find a situation in which God forgives when there is no remorse. Nineveh is saved when its inhabitants fall on their knees before God. That was the reason why Jonah had to go there. His message there was absolutely necessary, as is apparent from that entire book of the Bible. Otherwise Nineveh would have been destroyed.

Virtually all the prophets God sent had to inform their hearers what sin is, in order to call them to repentance and conversion. If there was no remorse, punishments increased and eventually almost the entire nation was forcible removed from the promised land. And so, how can there be forgiveness without remorse?

Jesus sought the hearts of human beings in love. For that reason, he told them clearly that apart from him there would be no future. Not for anyone. He accepted all sinners who repented with tears, even the robber who hung beside him on the cross. But if human beings do not come to understand their sins and repent, they will remain under God’s curse (Jn 3:36). Is that not totally clear?

John writes, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us” (1 Jn 1:9, 10).

It sounds kind when you say that a child of God always forgives, but on what is that based when you know that God does not do that himself?

Image of God←⤒🔗

I believe that it is important for us to portray God’s image faithfully. We might give sinners a very wrong impression if we should suggest that there is forgiveness without remorse. For we can say that and do it perhaps, and we may find that liberating, but then someone appears before God’s throne and discovers that things don’t work that way. Have we then been faithful witnesses? Have we then spoken clearly about God? Remember that this is a matter of life and death!

The commandment that Jesus gave us is: “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him” (Lk 17:3, 4). This is a penetrating message: Never become tired of forgiving someone, even if it is seven times in a day, says Jesus. Let us then not be wiser that him, and not reach beyond it, no matter how well intentioned it may be. For that is the way to God; there is no other way. We may pray for forgiveness of sins, as often as we wish. We will never be rejected, if we truly mean it. But without that sincere prayer, there will be no forgiveness. Not in heaven and not on earth. For no one.

It was with this message that Jesus sent his apostles away. They were allowed to set people free in Jesus’ name. But they also had to be able to say that people remained bound in their guilt (Mt 18:15-18). That remains the basis for all admonition today, also among each other. Jesus is the way for us to God. But help each other then to travel on that way. For then you will find each other again, even in damaged relationships. But if sinful people reject reconciliation, there is nothing to be done. And then there is also no place for them in the congregation (1 Co 5:13).

True Repentance←⤒🔗

Besides, as churches, we have agreed that repentance must be shown. It must be real, otherwise we cannot accept it (Church Order, article 69).

The proposition that a Christian must always be able to forgive has been misused a lot by all kinds of offenders of serious offences. “Are you a child of God? Then you have to forgive me! Otherwise you are not a child of God and you will perish.” Many victims of incest have heard their fathers say that and it caused them the most serious affliction of faith. Also for that reason it is very important that we be very clear about this matter. If the sinner does not ask for forgiveness, you cannot grant it. And if he or she does ask, but the repentance appears superficial, you are entitled to insist that the sinner demonstrate true repentance. Esau cried too, but it was from regret (for himself), not out of remorse toward God and his fellow human beings (He 12:16, 17). Many an offender doesn’t get beyond regret and does not realize what damage he or she had caused in the life of another person. That is why, for example, you are entitled to ask the offender to undergo therapy first to understand what he or she has done. True repentance, that’s what it is about: sorrow towards God and human beings, becoming humble in consequence, and stretching out your hand for grace. Only in that way will all doors open again, both in heaven and on earth. But for those who don’t really want anything to do with grace, there is no future. And we should not create the illusion that there is.

Liberation←⤒🔗

We are told that always granting forgiveness is so liberating, especially for the grantor. I believe that this is a mistake. In the first place because of the unilateral forgiveness, which is impossible. But also because Jesus grants his disciples freedom deep in their hearts, even though they are among all kinds of guilty and remorseless offenders. To be truly free, you do not need those unilateral expressions of forgiveness. The important point is that God himself takes on your burdens. He is our witness, always and everywhere. Victims may appeal to him when the perpetrators deny their sins in whole or in part. Justice is not always meted out on earth. Sometimes yea and nay remain opposed. As victim you can become very angry about that and will probably brood about vengeance. And that can also become very oppressive. Then you become your own prison and are totally powerless. But then God says: “Just give the matter (and your vengeance) over to me and live.” He takes the injustice off our shoulders. He will avenge the evil. The Bible is very clear about that. He notices the injustice that is done to weak and defenseless people. He regards it as done to him. When he makes our case his, then he liberates us (Pss. 12, 23, 54, 146, etc.).

That is how we Christians are free, always and everywhere, even though enemies confine them in their hatred. That is how Christians are able to look at their enemies differently, namely as people who need redemption and forgiveness. Then they can pray for their enemies; they can pour a glass of water for them; they can bind their wounds. All out of love for Jesus, though without letting that love become one-sided.

Predisposed to Forgive←⤒🔗

How is it with our prayer, “as we have also forgiven out debtors”?

In it we declare our readiness to forgive to God, as often as we are sincerely asked to do so. Just as the catechism says: “…as we also find this evidence of your grace in us that we are fully determined wholeheartedly to forgive our neighbour” (Heidelberg Catechism, Lord’s Day 51).

Meanwhile we read that the Amish in Pennsylvania have forgiven the murderer of their children. A news item that causes everyone to reflect. And yet, did this forgiveness save the murderer? If not, ought the Amish not rather to have said that they were prepared to forgive the murderer? Such a message would display the same attitude, but the perpetrator would realize that he had to confess his sin to God and to people.

That is how we should bear God’s image. Every human being may learn to know him as the God of all grace, a grace that he distributes liberally. God is always ready to do so. The offer of Jesus Christ is big enough; it is adequate for the sins of all people. That does not mean that all people share in it, only those who worship him in his grace.

It is thus not pride that motivates us, and people do not have to humble ourselves for us. We are prepared, we are ready to forgive. In Jesus’ name. Together with him. According to his word. In his way.

Forgiveness without Remorse? ←⤒🔗

Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.Pro 28:13

Criticism←⤒🔗

I have defended the proposition that forgiveness of sins can happen when the sinner is remorseful, which I believe to be in line with Scripture. If there is no remorse, but an attitude of hardening in sin and denial, there is no room for forgiveness. That is how God acts. That is what he teaches us. I have received criticism from a number of readers, or at least a request that I qualify my defense. I shall attempt to make this as clear as possible by listing the criticisms in the following order:

1. Forgiveness according to the Bible is sending away (aphièmi). Surely you can do that unilaterally? You send the guilt of the other person out of your life. You want to forgive him or her, even though the other person does not ask for forgiveness. That liberates your life from a burden.
    
2. Did Christ not do the same: “Father, forgive them, for…” (Lk 23:34)? They did not ask him for forgiveness. But he asked God to forgive them. Then you may assume that he forgave them himself also. He sent their guilt out of his life, did not want their guilt to burden him anymore. So also Stephen in Ac 7:60.
    
3. Remorse is not a condition for, but a consequence of forgiveness. For it is God who takes the initiative. And we should do the same.
    
4. It is about the unconditional offer of grace. Thus, remorse can also not be a condition.
    
5. Forgiveness means that you relinquish your own power, your own superior disposition.
    
6. If unilateral forgiveness is impossible, there is a bondage that remains. The evil that people suffered in the past remains alive, churns in their heart, and continues to determine relationships.
    
7. Forgiving is not the same thing as reconciling. You can grant forgiveness by yourself. To reconcile you need two (or more) people.
    
8. If you couple the measure of forgiveness to the measure of remorse, you give the impression that the sinner must first make a payment.
    
9. Offenses, guilt, and punishment are facts. Someone who forgives leaves the judgment to God. That is the ultimate liberation that God gives us. The only thing the person who forgives lets go of is his or her own judgment about the actions and about the sinner.
    
10. If the sinner is faced with a victim who adopts an attitude of hatred, he or she can use that as an excuse for not having to seek forgiveness.

First Love←⤒🔗

Point 4 jumps out at me especially: the unconditional offer of grace. I fully agree with it. It is absolutely impossible to abandon it in the doctrine and attitude of the Christian church. God does not impose conditions precedent, but takes all the initiatives that are necessary for our salvation himself. Christ died for us when we never asked for anything. He fulfilled his sacrifice while everyone deserted him. Now he sends his preachers into the world to people who are not waiting for them. And so on. God’s love is always first. God’s grace is not based in any way on any merit of ours. On the contrary. He is prepared, entirely of his own will, to break through the barriers that we threw up. That attitude, that readiness to be the first in love, even though the guilt is that of the other person, is an adornment of the Christian. It is not only point 4 that testifies to this; it is evident in all of the criticisms I received. So in this respect, we do not differ!

Having said that, I do argue that what is involved is an offer of grace. An offer that wants to be received in faith. Those who do not believe, remain under God’s wrath. That is what I miss in point 4 and in the other points.

Now the word “offer” is laden with misunderstanding. It could mean that it is “only” an offer of God, but the decision to accept it is entirely up to us. But that is incorrect. For then no one would want it. That’s why God goes so far as to work in, open, and change our hearts by the preaching of his salvation. His Word is at work in us; it liberates us. It is entirely in that way that we must present ourselves as predisposed to forgive (HC, LD 51); with it we must try to reach the other person in his or her heart. I can understand point 3 in that sense: let there be initiative from our side in love. Do not just wait for something to happen.

Meanwhile, despite all those unconditional initiatives, it remains true that the offer calls for acceptance.

Those who do not accept forgiveness, do not receive it. Those who do not confess that they need forgiveness, do not receive it either.

Is that not abundantly clear?! We cannot then grant forgiveness to the offender, even though we are willing to do so.

Thus, this does not per se involve resentment and malice toward the other person. Those emotions are indeed often part of our attitude. That is why granting forgiveness is often so difficult. However, in this discussion, such remarks tend to obscure the real point, namely: There are people who do not want forgiveness from you! Who do not ask for it, and to whom you cannot therefore give it.

Ground Rule←⤒🔗

Further research has convinced me that we are very much concerned with an express ground rule that is found in how God acts. Jesus summarized it in his conversation with his disciples after his resurrection: “Thus it is written, that the Christ should suffer and on the third day rise from the dead, and that repentance and forgiveness of sins should be proclaimed in his name to all nations, beginning in Jerusalem” (Lk 24:26-28).

This not just a notification, but the interpretation of God’s plan of salvation: “suffering, dying, preaching! Repenting! Receiving grace.”

This is entirely in line with the message of John the Baptist: people had to let themselves be baptized and come to repentance, in order thereby to receive forgiveness of sins (Lk 3:3).

According to me, there are many texts in the OT and the NT that speak of this connection between repentance/remorse and forgiveness. Think of Ps 32:3-4: “For when I kept silent…your hand was heavy upon me.”

The only (!) counter argument that is usually (!) raised against this is the prayer of Jesus for those who crucified him: “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Lk 23:34). I have learnt that one should not apply a rule or explain it on the basis of an exception. On the contrary: you try to understand the exception from the rule.

That is how I want to consider Jesus’ prayer. And then I notice that Jesus does not say: “I forgive you.” That is the interpretation suggested in point 2. But no. It is his prayer to the Father. Does he not support that prayer? Of course he does. But he does not toss around forgiveness as a fact; it is a question, a prayer. A prayer that every Christian can pray for his or her enemies, out of the initiative of love. That is how we hear it from the mouth of Stephen. But of course that does not mean that each and every one of his murderers actually received forgiveness.

But there is another matter.

Christ prayed that prayer not only for the soldiers, but also for the members of the Sanhedrin, who gave him over to the gentiles. And, indeed, not even just for them, but for all of the people that clamored for him to be crucified. In that unique moment his prayer is to the Father, to restrain him from his anger, his intervention at the moment that his Son is being killed. This is not a forgiveness in the full sense of grace that saves. That is impossible, for in that same multitude, Jesus had just pronounced his judgments on the way to Golgotha (Lk 23:27-31.).⁶

There is No Cheap Grace←⤒🔗

Thus, it is not accidental that Jesus in his instructions about forgiveness always indicates that the perpetrator must ask you for forgiveness (Lk 17:3-4). That is part of the ground rule: repentance is necessary to receive forgiveness.

People do not have to grovel for us. And we must certainly not give them an excuse to harden their hearts by a haughty attitude on our part. It is also not about a judgment to which we are entitled. Those who raised this in points 5, 9, and 10 are correct.

Very simply (but also very profoundly), it is about this: forgiveness is never cheap. No one places a parcel of grace among your many consumable products. You’ll receive it only if you want to recognize its value.

We also do not have to measure people according to the “measure” of their remorse (point 8). We don’t find that kind of language in the Bible. It makes a problem out of the real question: is someone asking for forgiveness, does (s)he have remorse and does (s)he really mean it? Remorse is not a form of payment, but a necessary manner of asking and receiving.

For the measure of our remorse will always fall short. We notice that often in our prayers to God, even though we mean what we say. That can happen, as Paul relates in Rom 7. Led by the Spirit, he puts his whole heart in his prayer to God, while at the same time, in that same heart, he recognizes that other law, which causes him to do what he does not want. That seems duplicitous and it is. A person can be merciless about this, toward himself or herself, or toward others. But we don’t want such incompassionate behaviour. We say simply this: If a person has remorse and means it (as much as one can mean it in this life) then we shall forgive that person with all our heart. It doesn’t have to be done that instant. It is usually a process to come to that stage. But the opening comes about because of that true remorse. That’s what it is all about. If it is not there, we ought not, we may not say to the victim: forgive that person anyway. That would be too cheap.