Is there some quasi-ecclesiastical office known as “minister's wife?” Do we recognize that “office” and expect all pastors' wives to measure up to the (unwritten) qualifications pertaining thereunto? And if we do, is it proper for us to expect a particular pastor's wife to measure up in every way? Are the unwritten qualifications biblical?

In American Christianity the pastor's wife has come to be regarded as a special kind of woman who has a special kind of responsibility. For many decades, even a couple of centuries, a woman who desired to marry a minister has been considered particularly praiseworthy and, consequently, especially holy. Because it is assumed that the pastor is a super Christian, his wife must be also.

Over the last couple of centuries much honor and prestige has been associated with the special “office” of minister's wife. Many women have risen to the challenge and met the expectations. The successes are well-known; the failures are, like the men who have failed in the pastorate, soon forgotten. But in recent years more and more women have wrestled with and questioned some of the expectations and qualifications that go with their “office.” They have begun to wonder whether it is proper for them to conform to all that is expected.

The questions that are being raised are not merely the outworking of feminism in American culture. The questions and struggles do not come because, as it is alleged, most of the younger women do not have the strength of character and will that the previous generations have had. The questions are not just symptoms of the individualism and self-centeredness of the so-called me-generation.

The questions arise out of a troubling awareness of many women that the model for the pastor's wife and the expectations that go along with it are of a cultural nature and reflect little of a biblical model. Many women – not all of them are young women – are concerned that what Scripture requires a pastor's wife to be is obscured by what the cultural expectations demand. And so it is an opportune time for the church to evaluate the role of the pastor's wife and to examine the propriety of various expectations. Some examples:

“Cleanliness is Next to Godliness”⤒🔗

This little maxim is not one of the Ten Commandments nor was it spoken by Jesus in his Sermon on the Mount. Nevertheless, it has the force of Holy Writ and becomes the basis of numerous criticisms and judgments people make about the pastor's wife. A clean and tidy house is always to be desired, of course. But is it the obligation of the pastor's wife to have the cleanest and tidiest of them all? Is that a proper qualification for her “office?”

The mania for cleanliness is a cultural value well-embedded in the middle classes of European and North American cultures. But the kingdom of God does not depend upon Lysol and En-dust. For one to invest too much time in cleaning and ordering her possessions is to run the risk of establishing false priorities.

In matters of housekeeping, what does the Lord require of a pastor's wife? Nothing more than he requires of any other believer.

The Pastor's Wife is to be a Leader←⤒🔗

It seems to be less common these days for congregations to expect that the pastor's wife will necessarily be a leader of the women in the church. But it is an expectation that surfaces in many communities – and not without warrant. Pastors' wives have a good track record of leadership in the church. And why not? They have more background in theology and Bible than most women, and they are married to a church professional. It is quite natural to expect the pastor's wife to play a role of leadership and function as a teacher.

Despite what might be a relatively successful pattern of pastors' wives as teachers and leaders among women, it is unhealthy for a congregation to expect that of any woman who assumes the “office.” Scripture makes it clear that in the body of Christ various people function according to the gifts they have been given. If one has a certain gift, then she is to use it for the sake of the whole body. One cannot assume that the pastor's wife has any particular set of gifts. Rather, the church and the woman discover her particular gifts and try to see that they are used for the benefit of the whole body.

Pastors' wives, it turns out, are just women. In any given group of them you will find a whole range of personalities: timid, shy, outgoing, confident, reflective, brash, insightful, comic, serious. In any given group you will find a whole range of gifts as well: teaching, helping, leading, creating, supporting, counseling, serving.

There is no one type of woman who becomes a pastor's wife. Men who are going into the pastorate manage to court and wed women of every type – thank God for that. As a consequence, one does not know what particular gifts a woman will bring to the congregation until she is there. She may have teaching and leadership gifts; she may not. What is important for the congregation to recognize is that, until her particular gifts are known, there should be no expectations as to the role she will play as a member of the body.

The Pastor's Children are to be Exemplary←⤒🔗

Now it is true that 1 Timothy 3:4 reminds the church that an elder “must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect.” But that is an obligation that applies to all Christian parents, not just elders. Elders are to be chosen from among those in the congregation who demonstrate that they can manage their families and rear respectful children. But it is another thing to expect elders always to have the most exemplary children, those who score A+ in every category.

Pastor's wives come from all kinds of backgrounds. Some are from strong Christian families, some from weak Christian families, some from non-Christian families, some from broken homes. Only by God's grace do any of them – or any of us – become competent parents. It is unthinkable that because someone is a pastor or a pastor's wife that he or she will by nature be a totally successful parent.

Childrearing is a tremendous challenge, and in the Christian community it requires a lot of mutual support, encouragement and prayer. To expect the pastor and his wife to succeed merely because they are the pastor and his wife is both unrealistic and unbiblical.

Pastors' wives take a great deal of criticism when their children fail to live up to others' expectations. This is unjust if the expectations that others have are not applied to every family in the congregation. There is no biblical warrant for requiring higher standards of performance of those who are in full-time Christian ministry. Instead of criticism, the pastor's wife should be receiving support, encouragement and assistance from other members of the body as she attempts to use the resources God has given her to bring up her children. It is our culture and not the Word of God that leads us to expect more of her than we expect of other Christians.

The Pastor's Wife is the Official Hostess←⤒🔗

Hospitality is both an obligation of all and a special gift for some. Every Christian has the obligation to be hospitable to persons who are traveling, who need food, clothing, shelter and comfort. Every Christian should be ready to respond when such a need comes to his attention. But some Christians have a special gift for hospitality. Their homes are like inns; there are guests in and out all the time. Usually these gifted people enjoy their calling – even thrive on it.

Some pastors' wives have this gift and some do not. All of them recognize their basic obligations for hospitality, but not all have a special gift to be the congregation's sole task force on hospitality. Unless the pastor and his wife have indicated that they want their home to be a regular hospitality center, the congregation should not expect it to be. And if the pastor's wife has not demonstrated gifts and interests in being the coordinator of the church's hospitality ministry, she should not be expected to take that responsibility.

So far the advice in this article seems to be that the pastor's wife should have no special responsibilities or functions in the congregation. That's not the point. Rather, the pastor's wife should not be expected to take on any particular set of functions or responsibilities that are not fitted to her particular gifts or circumstances. To put it another way, the cultural role model for the pastor's wife sets up a number of false expectations that a church should resist setting up. She should be expected to be and do only what Scripture requires of her. Obviously, cultural role models for the pastor's wife will always play a part in expectations; but Christians must see clearly that a woman's failure to live up to what the culture expects is not a serious deficiency.

What does Scripture put forth as the special requirements or qualifications of a pastor's wife? Absolutely nothing!

There is no office of minister's wife. There are no qualifications or expectations that wives of pastors, teachers, evangelists (and elders of any type) are to meet to distinguish them from Christian women in general. There are no specified gifts or ministries or educational qualifications or family background or experiences or personality types or anything that is to distinguish the wife of a full-time minister of the gospel from other Christian women in the congregation. It's that simple.

The pastor's wife is called to be the wife of the man she married. Whatever Scripture requires of wives, that is what one should expect of a pastor's wife. And one should not be surprised to see her fail at being a good wife from time to time, because the perfect wife is yet to be seen on this earth.

We know very well what Scripture requires of wives – to serve their Lord by supporting, nurturing and building up their husbands and their children. And, because they are women with particular gifts, they can be expected to use the gifts they have been given to contribute to the building up of the whole body of Christ and contribute to the wellbeing of the society in which they live. Beyond these general obligations, it is presumptuous for the church to require anything more of a pastor's wife. The teaching of Scripture is both simple and clear on this matter.

Another Look at Culture←⤒🔗

What about culture? We began our consideration with the observation that the minister's wife has had a clear role model established for her in American Christianity. But that is changing. One reason is that American culture itself is, and has been, pluralistic. There is no longer a single image of a minister's wife that is being projected from the culture into the church. Should we rejoice or bewail the change? It doesn't really matter. The pluralism of American culture is a reality.

With this cultural pluralism we recognize that there is a plurality of roles for pastors' wives. A woman who is the wife of a pastor must be the kind of woman every Christian woman is called to be. Beyond that, her particular function in the church and in the world will be shaped by her gifts and her husband's and her own expectations for herself. There must not be a set of expectations established for her merely because our culture has come to expect one thing or another to be the role of the minister's wife.

On the other side it must be recognized that a pastor's wife who comes to a new congregation will most likely want to know what role the previous pastors' wives have had in the church. She will probably be willing to meet some of the expectations that constitute the pattern of roles in that particular congregation. It is right for her to do so. But where she deviates from the “norm,” she is not to be judged if she fails to live up to cultural and not biblical expectations.

It is time we depose pastors' wives from their special “office” and enroll them in the general priesthood of the church along with the rest of us. It is true that they are often some of the most gifted and talented people we know; but that's no reason to impose illegitimate expectations upon them.

Take a hard look at your expectations for your pastor's wife. Are they biblical or have they developed from the accumulated traditions of your congregation? While you are reflecting on this, take time to pray for her and the very unique challenges that she faces. Encourage her to capitalize on the special opportunities for ministry that come with her situation. When you're tempted to criticize her, give her more encouragement instead. By so doing, you glorify your Father in heaven.