The Actual Matter at Hand⤒🔗

I have been asked more than once, what biblical grounds can be used against living in cohabitation (i.e. before marriage, or “common-law”). When a boy and girl, or man and woman love each other and want to share their lives, why is it then necessary to be officially married? Does it really take a civil servant to make that happen? Is the deciding factor not that the two people who want to live together love each other? Are they themselves not capable enough to decide for themselves how they want to live together?

Allow me first to make the question a little sharper. If someone would only ask me if it always has to be a marriage, officiated by a civil servant, I can answer “No.” In other parts of the world other customs are being followed. The marriage ceremony in English-speaking countries, for example, may be officiated by a minister of the Word. And whoever looks in the Bible for a civil servant will not find one. In biblical times, marriage was a matter between families and it was conducted quite differently than our current practice. But that is not the actual point. The decision is not made by answering the question as to whether we meet an official of civil status in the Bible, but whether the Bible would sanction a man and woman living in cohabitation, without people other than the two confirming such a cohabitation. The answer to this question can be given without any doubt: The living together of two people, who want to live as man and wife, is always preceded by a confirmation within the circle of the community. I am leaving out of the discussion here the so-called concubine, where a man, beside his wife, also had a relationship with one or more female slaves. Here we are just talking about the relationship pictured in Genesis 2: a man leaves his father and mother, to become one flesh with his wife. Of this union it can be said that it is not just a get-together of two people, but that it has a publicly sanctioned character.

How Things Were Done in Biblical Times←⤒🔗

Let us first see how the Bible engages the community, (especially) when a man wants to share his life with a woman. It is very clear that the parents play an important role in this. Abraham sends out his servant to find a wife for his son Isaac, and before Rebekah leaves Mesopotamia, the servant needs the approval of her father Bethuel (Genesis 24). Jacob loves Rebekah, but to obtain her as his wife he must pay her father a large bride-price consisting of seven years of labour (Genesis 29). Without a bride-price — as a gift or as a payment to the father of the girl — you cannot get married in Israel (Exodus 22:17; see also 1 Samuel 18:25). There can be no marriage, therefore, unless certain matters within the family have been taken care of.

But also a larger audience than just the family is witnessing that a man and woman will start to lead their own independent life. The often protracted wedding festivities as a seal of the confirmed commitment are celebrated by many. Family, friends, and acquaintances are all present. This is how it went with Samson, but apparently this was also the rule in Israel. The Lord Jesus uses the picture of a wedding ceremony to indicate that many are invited (Matthew 22). He himself could be present at such a wedding (John 2). To speak with the Song of Songs of Songs: many daughters of Zion come out and are witness of the happiest day in the life of the king of Israel (Song of Songs3:11).

Further, it is noteworthy that sexual relations are only possible within the bonds of marriage. Whoever sins against this commandment will have to deal with the father of the bride. When someone seduces a virgin who is not betrothed, he is to take the girl as his wife for the full bride-price. The father can also refuse to give the girl to the man (Exodus 22:16-17). It is again confirmed here that for “cohabitation,” more is needed than the mutual consent between the boy and the girl. Their case is also a matter concerning other people.

Even from yet a different perspective it becomes clear that “living in cohabitation” without a public sanctioning of this would be unthinkable in Israel. For when you wanted to end your marriage, you could only do this with a certificate of divorce (Deuteronomy 24:1-4). You could not just send your wife away. An official certificate was needed for this. But such a certificate officially declares dissolved what apparently was first officially done.

A Promise of Loyalty←⤒🔗

All well and good, but we do not live in ancient Israel anymore, some people will say to me. And indeed, much has changed, And not only because Israel had no civil authorities. In several important ways we have seen different relationships come into society. Marriage has become something that is freer now. We do not have to go back to the situation where a father gives his daughter into marriage, as was still happening in the days of Paul (1 Corinthians 7:36-38). The personal choice by the boy and the girl — which, by the way, was not missing in Bible times — is now much more in evidence than before.

But why would it then not be possible to live as man and woman under one roof and determine this by yourself? No official engagement/betrothal, no marriage certificate, no wedding day — but why not completely on your own decide from one day to the next to start living together as man and woman?

To convince a Christian that marriage, and not just living together, is the way that is commanded by God, I must do a little more than quote a few texts, which, on their own, may not be convincing. How Jacob, Samson, David, or a father in the days of Paul arranged things, is indeed not the determining factor for our behaviour.

Something else must be the decisive factor. And that would be the biblical message about the coming together of a man and a woman in a life-long alliance. That is why we must be in favour of marriage and against living in cohabitation. Whoever is going to live together today does not promise then that he wants to stay connected to her for life and vice versa. However much one can be in love, this promise is not enunciated before God and his people. As this living together is started without a marriage certificate, it can also be ended without a certificate of divorce. Each person can proceed on his/her own path again. It started fine, but it was better to put an end to it. Fortunately, in contrast to all the intricacies of a divorce, this involves little bother. The trial arrangement, which was perhaps even started with the idea that they would always stay together, was unsuccessful.

But exactly this attitude, however well intentioned it may have been, is not in accordance with what the Bible says about man and woman living together. How can living together, in light of Genesis 2, ever have the stamp of something temporary, so that after a few years the partners can each go their own way again, as this is an intrinsic possibility of cohabiting? How can living in cohabitation be reconciled with what Paul writes in Ephesians 5:31-32 about marriage as an image of a continuous bond between Christ and the church?

Marriage is not possible without the components of love, complete communion, and loyalty unto death. But what is more obvious than that such a far-reaching promise of loyalty is to be publicly announced before God and men? Who would place into office a government official without that person promising loyalty to the constitution in the hearing of the people? Who does not find it self-evident that our personal faith is professed publicly when we request admission to the Lord’s Supper? God and the people may call us to account if we go back on our word. And would then the word of faith that we give one another for life as husband and wife not require any confirmation, where family, friends, acquaintances, and especially the whole congregation are witnesses?

Spiritual Evaluation←⤒🔗

What I write here may not all be literally found as such in the Bible. There are more things not explicitly mentioned in the Bible, even though they are obvious. My conclusion, therefore, is that whoever takes seriously what the Bible says about a man and woman spending their lives together, rejects living in cohabitation and accepts marriage. It does not surprise them at all that the practice in biblical times knew of the (sexual) communion of man and woman within the bond of marriage.

Temporary relationships you may start and end without public promises and agreements. But you can not do that with marriage. In the foregoing I have not written about “shacking up,” because the criticism of, “They just live randomly,” does not apply to many people. There are many nice, decent people who live in cohabitation. But however proper and “monogamously” they live, they entered into a (sexual) relationship without publicly expressing the promises belonging to such a relationship.

In the foregoing I have also not said anything about the importance of marriage in relation to arranging pension, inheritance, and other financial matters for the people themselves and for their children, if any. All of that I find, compared to the most important matter, of very minor importance. The decisive argument is made when, reading the old biblical words of “becoming one flesh,” we evaluate those words spiritually.

Questions and assignments←⤒🔗

1. Discuss the following statement: Do not turn your courtship into cohabitation, not even for a weekend or for a vacation!
2. You are on vacation at a campsite and one evening it is decided to have a campfire and an evening walk. During the walk you get acquainted with a sympathetic fellow camper. He/she knows a little of your faith but does not practice any formal religion him/herself. Then suddenly that direct question: “Why are you not allowed to sleep together before marriage? Everyone does that anyway!”
   Fortunately, you had read in school some articles about morality from Professor Douma, and so you knew what you had to say. But how do you say it? Think about this carefully, and then write down what you would say.