Sins do not just disappear. They demand reconciliation through confession of guilt before God and man.

If it is in any way possible, this should be done privately, face to face. Some situations, however, require some measure of leadership by the church council, as we saw in an earlier article. That does not have so much to do with the serious nature of the sin, as with the measure in which it is publicly known within the congregation.

At the confession of sin, the church council must ensure that the sinner has shown ‘evidence of repentance’ (Art. 69 of the Church Order on 'Repentance'). Naturally, this applies in the same manner to the private conversation.

Unfortunately, the latter is often forgotten. When it is possible to ask forgiveness in a personal conversation, without anyone else knowing, it is easy to adopt an attitude of 'let's settle this quickly'. In more or less the following manner: 'What more can I do than say I am sorry? (Why make things so difficult?) Just forgive me, for are we not Christians?!’ (Then I can just go, and all will be right again). It is understandable that this can be a reason for great tension and indignation.

Forgiveness must cost you something⤒🔗

One of the most well-known parables about forgiving is about a King, who forgave his servant an enormous debt (Matt.18:21-35). That servant's joy should have been heaven-high. Yet, once outside the palace, he could not himself forgive the debt of a fellow-servant. The king was exceptionally outraged about that, and rightly so. All forgiveness was revoked (vs 34).

The trouble with such an overly familiar parable, is that, if already told at a young age, it can have a lasting influence throughout your whole life in exactly the way in which you understood it as a child.

As far as this story is concerned, the weak point in the story is clearly the mutual forgiveness. What was it that the one servant had to acquit the other? 'A few quarters', the teacher would say. 'Not very much, mind you!'. 'Only a handful of coins,' writes Anne de Vries in his Biblical Story Book for Kintergarten children. 'A couple of bank notes', says the catechism manual Ik Geloof for the youth from 12-16 years. By now, the amount has devaluated, but the gist of it remains the same: it is not worth much. Never complain about mutual forgiveness. It can be settled over coffee. Because God forgives you far and far more, does he not?

But that is not what it says here. What was at stake between these two servants was a debt of 100 denarii. That is not a few quarters or just a couple of bank notes, but a substantial amount.

Two chapters further on, in Matt. 20, we find the parable of the Labourers in the Vineyard. While they had been hired at different times of the day, at the end of the day they each received an identical salary of 1 denarius.

So how much, then, is 100 denarii? That is a labourer's wages for 100 day's work! Converted to our 5-day work week that would be the gross income for about 5 months + vacation bonus. Then we start to understand the parable a lot better.

Forgiveness is expensive. It costs something of yourself. That is never easy.

If you have experienced this yourself, you are more and more impressed by the mercy of the King. He did not just make a royal gesture because he was rich enough any way; the hapless lot of his servant touched his heart. That is why he forgave him his boundless debt.

Whoever realises that, does not, at the close of the day almost automatically ask for forgiveness of his sins. How can you? Every sin can only disappear if Christ is prepared to take the debt of it upon himself. That costs Him something of Himself. He is heartily prepared to do this (Oh, wonder of mercy!), but let the prayer at least be mindful and sincere.

This is exactly the reason why a church council looks for evidence of repentance, when the occasion arises. Not to humiliate people, but to guard against grace being treated as if were cheap.

Does the sinner display, with his attitude, proof of acknowledging his guilt and truly wishing to (be)come clean? Is God's mercy also to him a reason for thankfulness, etc.? Well then, even if the church council does not become involved, at a face to face conversation, the principle remains the same. Whoever has sinned against God and man cannot, at a certain moment, start up a process of automatic forgiveness. No, the guilty party must truly realise that he is asking something precious of the one he has grieved or damaged.

In practice←⤒🔗

In practice this means, that, in the first place, mutual guilt must be confessed.

That is something different to just letting it all be swept under the carpet and no longer talked about. As sinners among each other we are prone to believe that there is nothing wrong with that, but it doesn't work. Mainly because there can be a great difference in the sort of sinner you are, for example: was it consciously done or not? Saying that 'we are all sinners' means, in this respect, that the victim is being unjustly fobbed off.

And, on top of that, that carpet will shift someday soon, and all the dirt will come to light again, probably at the very next storm. If something has not really been settled and removed, it will rear its ugly head again and again and continue to cloud up the relationship. That cannot be the intention for people who are living out of grace. 'Therefore confess your sins to each other' writes James in chapter 5 verse 16.

Furthermore, let there never be any pressure that forgiveness must be granted for that is contrary to the essence of grace. It also leaves no room for the one who has been hurt to come to a point of forgiveness in his/her own time. Generally, it is also a symptom that the perpetrator is insufficiently aware of his sin (and the repercussions).

Take note, it is not my intention that we all become meticulous and fussy. As if there is never something that can simply be forgiven without it having being sorted out to the very bottom first. What I am concerned about are the truly bad deeds that have damaged people. Incest may be a worn example, yet it happens. And there are more ways in which children can be mentally abused by their own parents for years on end. At a later age, too, denial can still disrupt a person's life.

Unfortunately, there are perpetrators who systematically deny their actions or trivialize them. 'Well yes, something did happen, but must you make such an upheaval about something like that?' Others come a long way along the road of acknowledgement, but believe the matter should be laid to rest after about ten years. 'Yes, it should not have taken place and I regret it, but does that still bother you after all this time?' One or two may actually ask forgiveness, but, nevertheless, sometimes with an underlying tone of finding themselves quite something for doing that, so that the other has now been fully reimbursed and should not go on about it anymore.

That is why injured people sometimes come to me with the question whether they should forgive in such a case. They are left with a feeling of indignation, which hampers them and makes them feel guilty. You must forgive each other must you not?

In my opinion, the reason can often be found in the lack of evidence of repentance. The perpetrator appears to be done with the matter. He wants to be free of it, even if he has to throw himself at the victim's feet, but he has no idea of the far-reaching impact on, and damage to, the victim. Therefore his request for forgiveness is insufficient.

 In such a situation I try to explain to the brother or sister who have been hurt that they are not compelled to comply with such a request for forgiveness, and that they need not feel guilty about it either. Because God, too, acts in this way.

Where it concerns, e.g., incest, then I advise the perpetrator to undergo therapy for a while (a half year or so).Then it can be explained to him what he has done, what the consequences are and how he can adopt a lasting behaviour to prevent new damage by words or actions. The willingness to do this will be a beneficiary evidence of repentance in the direction of the victim, who has often already been through years and years of therapy.

Sermons←⤒🔗

In this respect, I cannot leave the sermons unmentioned. Particularly those regarding Lord's Day 51, the fifth petition: 'And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.'

In the students' city of Zwolle, where I was a minister, I would speak to young people from all over the country. More than once they would come to me in despair, because they did not know what to make of the sermon they had heard in their home church. 'I have to forgive everyone, or else my sins will not be forgiven, my minister said in his sermon. But I cannot do it!

To be honest, I remember such sermons myself too and I have read articles which are written in the same tenor. Does this expose a blind spot that we have here?

Undoubtedly, there is a large element of truth involved in it, but it is so one-sided. Because forgiving can sometimes be impossible because it has not been asked for, or because the fault has not been confessed or because of a lack of evidence of sincere repentance.

I believe that this should be mentioned in the sermons. In Lord's Day 51 it is actually formulated so carefully. There it does not say that we must forgive, but that we must be fully determined to forgive. That is something different altogether. Therein we confess that we will forgive everyone who sincerely asks for it, just as took place in the parable in Matt. 18:26-29 and 32.

Also in Matt. 6: 9-15 the context is praying for forgiveness, so what it says there cannot be applied to every situation. Therefore, it is a shame that the interpretation sometimes does not take that into account. I believe that (unfortunately) it is necessary, also in catechism and in youth groups, that we always take into account that someone in that circle might be victim  to incest or something like it. Just as you take into account other possible situations. If not, we are the cause (by our silence) of yet another negation in the life of that boy or girl and they will never come to us with their story.

Revenge?←⤒🔗

It can, therefore, occur that a Christian denies forgiveness with a clear conscience. God also does not forgive if he sees no repentance.

This could, however, easily lead to an injured party continuing to live in his outrage. Or even nourishing hate or giving way to thoughts of revenge. Obviously, that is not the direction to take: God does not want us to live that way. Besides, a victim would in this way remain in the perpetrator's grip for the rest of his life: first damaged by his actions, now by his obstinate refusal to admit guilt. That offers no solution.

Our Saviour shows us a better way in Rom. 12:19. ‘Do not take revenge ... It is mine to avenge; I will repay, says the Lord.’ In other words: place it in God's hands and believe that He will not forget, and that you are freed from your past.

For does not Jesus wash you clean of all filth? That includes your own and the other's sins, through which your life has been damaged. Our Redeemer ensures that we do not remain stuck in the mire.

In such a concrete manner can we fill in redemption. We are dependent only on Him in our new life, not on people, nor on a confession of guilt by a perpetrator.

Whoever takes this seriously, can even provide his enemies with food and drink (Rom. 12: 20. He can even pray for them. Possibly God will open their eyes and heart and the sincere proof of repentance will come eventually.