In a manner of speaking, we live on each other’s lips. Via modern methods of communication, we see and follow each other unceasingly. And still, paradoxically, an alarming number of people are lonely or feel themselves to be so.

We email, WhatsApp, Facebook, and text until we are in a daze. We are forever online. Never before have we lived with so many people so close together, and yet the army of lonely people grows from day to day.

The Reformed preacher, Gabe van Duinen, in his  1962 book Adieu Loneliness (still always worth reading), wrote, “As ships in the night, we sail past each other, provided we don’t collide and drive each other into the ground… We work day in, day out, year in, year out together in the same factory, in the same office, in the same warehouse, in the same store, and know nothing about each other.” Since then, all the modern electronic gadgets with which we communicate have, obviously, brought about no change.

Extreme extent⤒🔗

Loneliness is an evil (yes!) of all times and all places, but after the middle of the previous century, it became more extensive. Life relationships exist in far-reaching states of dissolution. Individualism celebrates its triumph. In the city, neighbours often no longer know each other. People can lie, dead, in their homes for days, weeks and sometimes months. In Rotterdam, an old woman lay, unnoticed, dead, for ten years in her dwelling place. Social cohesion has seriously shrivelled.

Approximately one million seniors often feel lonely, 200,000 extremely lonely, according to the National Elderly Club. That means we are talking about approximately half of those over 65.

Loneliness also strikes younger people. There seems to be a relationship between much use of means of communication and loneliness and depression. That is not surprising, because many contacts are superficial in nature. There is less real connectedness.

Euthanasia←⤒🔗

Paul Verhaeghe, psycho-diagnostic professor at Gent university in Belgium, names loneliness as the greatest problem of this age in his book Identity (2012)—not fear or depression, but loneliness. Rev. Van Duinen had already come to a similar conclusion. For him, the primary cause of loneliness is the loss of God. He indicates that it is a spiritual-moral problem, and not so much psychological or sociological. His view does demand some explanation, but he gives that amply in his book. He predicts a catastrophic growth of the symptom of loneliness in the second half of the twentieth century, and, consequently, an increase in the number of suicides. One must be careful, but at the same time the increasing demand for euthanasia in this time gives reason for serious thought.

Loneliness is not (directly) visible from the outside. We are running the danger of overextending ourselves in attacking the symptoms while we leave the core of the problem undisturbed. Psychological and physical problems can have the underlying cause of loneliness. That is thus also valid for the excessive use of alcohol, drugs, overindulging in food (binging), eating disorders, sexual disturbances and even suicide.

Definition←⤒🔗

Loneliness has to do with a lack of connection, of true contact with others. Being lonely is not the same as being alone. There is also a difference between feeling lonely and being lonely. People can, with an excess of social contacts, still feel unhappy and lonely, whether because they do not know themselves connected, or because their expectations are not being met. In contrast, a recluse can, in being alone, feel at peace in his element.

Loneliness can be of a temporary or of a permanent nature. It can have external or internal causes. It can have to do with the loss of relevant things and people, but also with the structure of your own personality, your character, inner inhibitions, and uncertainty. You can feel that no one understands you and conclude that those around you either do not support you or give you too little support. The more you expect, the greater the feeling of loneliness.

You can be lonely in your relationship because you cover your feelings and emotions in order to spare the other person. Poor communication lays the basis for loneliness in marriage and in family.

Loss←⤒🔗

Employment also can bring loneliness with it. Not everyone can endure the murderous tempo of modern society. Losing your job can also cause loneliness. That also applies to loss of friends, partners, parents, or children. The cause can be lack of social skills, the retention of a negative self-image, poverty, and psychiatric facades. It can be from being detained and judged, whether innocent or guilty. It can be from sickness and limitations; think of chronic deafness or being blind. Dementia often makes two people lonely. Alongside an intensive career, informal care can consume much time and energy, causing us to fall into social isolation.

It is known that with advancing years, the chance of being lonely increases. Networks fall away. One stands beside a grave more often than beside a cradle. Loss of members of the same generation also adds to the sense of loneliness: “No one calls me by my first name anymore.” A generation gap plays a part in this. (Grand)parents, children, and grandchildren live in different worlds. There are few or no common interests. One has the feeling that one does not count anymore, and worse yet, no longer matters. Sickness, weakness, and wearing down make the sphere in which you move smaller. On the other hand, loneliness can itself bring about the loss of health and well-being.

Together←⤒🔗

How do we tackle the growing loneliness in our society? The authorities who are pulling themselves back from the problem introduced the idea of “participation in living together,” but will this work? It also more often looks for help from the church, but they also can not take on everything. It is not the good will that is lacking, but rather the manpower. Added to that is that the threshold of the church is often too high for those not connected with the church. And then there are also the seasoned activity avoiders.

Can you suddenly solve loneliness by setting up a series of activities and offering them to people? Is it not much more a case of heart to heart? Of one on one? In Rotterdam, there is a project whereby people are enticed to come out of their homes in order to go and help each other. That could be a part of the solution because people who help each other are ultimately also helping themselves.

Solution←⤒🔗

Fighting loneliness begins by acknowledging it. The solution can be nearby: starting a conversation, inviting someone over for a cup of coffee. A “lonely person” must also have the courage to force himself into action. Invite someone over. Go to a destination. Begin a conversation.

In conclusion: Does the final solution to the problem of loneliness not lie with im, Who endured the deepest loneliness on Golgotha? Did he not struggle there with my loneliness? The relationships which have been lost are restored through him and in him, vertically and horizontally. Adieu, loneliness. Go to God with it!

Notations←↰⤒🔗

• Loneliness has diverse causes.
• There is no simple solution.
• There is a relationship between loneliness, patterns of expectation, character, social skills, and circumstances of life.
• Whoever has high expectations of others, runs the danger of becoming lonely.
• Sometimes patterns of expectation have to be altered.
• Loneliness is not resolved vicariously.
• Someone who is lonely must also dare to motivate himself.
• My self-worth does not depend on the number of contacts or followers on Facebook.
• Do we also say with conviction, ‘Adieu, loneliness’?