We’d been married only a month when my husband began his ministry in a large South Wales Presbyterian Church. I felt apprehensive and the responsibilities ahead were daunting. “Who is sufficient for these things?” Certainly not me, but “our sufficiency is from God,” and our experiences over the years have proved the truth of these words.

What lessons did I learn during that time as the pastor’s wife? One of the first was “without me you can do nothing” – even things I thought I was good at doing. I had to depend on God for wisdom and enabling even for the smallest jobs.

Forty years ago in the United Kingdom, a pastor’s wife was expected to help lead children’s meetings and sisterhoods and speak regularly at those; then there was some visiting of the sick, the bereaved, keeping open house, and giving hospitality to visiting speakers – a formidable list. I came to see I just had to be myself and not try to live up to the public image of the ideal wife. God had made me as I was and could use me as I was. I would never please everyone anyway and I certainly wasn’t perfect. In the early years I tried too hard to please and was worn out as a result. In a certain meeting in our home, the speaker said something I’ve never forgotten. It helped me tremendously. “It’s not what God wants you to do for Him, but what He wants to do through you.” What a release! It changed my perspective completely and the weight on my shoulders lifted.

It took me a long time to learn to know myself and my vulnerable points. I had to stop myself having a “post mortem” at the end of the day, going over conversations with awkward members, for example. I learned not to start thinking of problems in the evenings because they’d get out of perspec­tive. The following morning, they weren’t half as threatening. I read somewhere that it’s not right to let thoughts master us – we are to master them – and that’s been helpful, too.

Early on, my husband and I became very aware of the need to keep confidences. We had seen the damage in churches made from passing on personal details spoken in confidence. If an individual said something very confidential to my husband or vice versa, we didn’t talk about it together unless we were given permission. I didn’t need to know everything. Actually, it was better I didn’t know some sordid facts or they would have stayed in my mind and affected my attitude to the person concerned. For people to confide in you, they must know you can be trusted not to gossip. Linked with this is the need to keep quiet about one’s husband’s idiosyncrasies, not embar­rassing him in front of others to get a laugh from members!

It’s important to be approachable, genuinely interested in people and their needs. I found it helped me, because I was shy, to remember relevant details (e.g., So-and-so’s aunt is in the hospital) so asking about her would get a conversation going. Being a good listener was a big asset, but half-listening could be dangerous or meant sometimes putting my foot in it!

I remember clearly at a young pastor’s funeral thinking, “I can’t hide behind my husband’s spirituality and usefulness.” I would have to give an account of my own life to God, so I must aim to be godly and guard my own soul. It was easy to be very busily involved in church meetings and commitments, yet be personally far from God. It was easy to be hypocritical and make pious comments without experiencing their real­ity. Sometimes I’d be so concerned about the relevance of the sermon for a particular member I’d miss receiving spiritual nourishment myself. Absurd! It’s God’s work and the Holy Spirit brings to life the Word and applies it to the heart.

Often, at the end of meetings, I would ask God to guide me to speak to the right person and to be helpful in what I said. At one time, I tried to speak to as many people as pos­sible, but I found I couldn’t follow through any conversation; so I had to change my approach, without giving one person more attention than another. I tried to treat every member the same, for a pastor’s wife is watched and resentment can easily creep in. It’s a difficult and lonely path as one can’t have any special friends in the church despite taking naturally more to some than others. It is said, “A wife can make or break a man” and as my friend, a young pastor’s wife, was told, “What you are, your husband will become” – frightening thought!

Then there were the invitations to members’ homes for meals. Some had very lavish homes and when we returned to the manse everything looked shabby. I’d have to school myself to count my blessings, realizing how much better off we were than so many others. Our furniture would get scuffed by youngsters crowding into our living room on Sunday eve­nings and there was the inevitable squash spilled on the car­pet. So the saying “Thank God for what you have and don’t concentrate on what you don’t” was a timely reminder. Amy Carmichael’s words remain true – “In acceptance lies peace.”

Linked with this was learning to cope with a small salary with its frustrations, but God showed us His care in a way unnecessary had we had plenty. For example, during our ten years in North Wales, coffee and biscuits were provided for the women’s meeting in our home each week. We didn’t find it easy to accept money gifts but folk wanted to give and, according to Mathew 10:42, they were blessed themselves. When receiving a gift, I would often quote Mathew 25:40.

What do you do when unexpected visitors arrive at a very inconvenient time and there’s a children’s doctor’s appoint­ment to keep, for example? This happened to us on one occasion. And though we explained why we had to leave them, they were offended and we didn’t see them in church after that. That upset me. We were always very careful when women came to the house to see my husband. We made sure I was there, too, and made it obvious by offering a cup of coffee or noisily doing my work! You can’t be too careful or give Satan half a chance.

There were times when I resented so many demands on my husband’s time and I felt I had to be Mum and Dad to the children. But God and His work had to come first. Occasion­ally, we’d promise to play with the children in the afternoon and then someone needy turned up on our doorstep; it was difficult to explain and I could feel their resentment. We tried hard to make up for the disappointment. And then a member’s funeral in the middle of our annual holiday! It wasn’t always easy to see it in the light of God’s providence and sovereignty, but we were learning lessons about ourselves, our reactions, and our willfulness. It’s easy to feel as if one is “playing second fiddle.” The phone would ring – “I would like to speak to Pastor, please” – or I would answer the door to be told, “I’d like to see Pastor, please.” Having said that, there were times I was glad to pass the buck! These experi­ences taught me the pride of my heart.

Self-pity would rear its head, so I had to learn to think scripturally, as my husband often reminded me! But it wasn’t all negative, for he didn’t have to leave early for work and come back late, so we were able to do things together and go visiting. While he was preparing sermons, I had to resist calling for help when there was a mini-crisis I could cope with myself. I failed in this respect: if a member phoned while he was praying or preparing the message, I would him instead of asking the person to call back. It was a fear offending; it was unbalanced, really.

We were conscious of being in the front line of the spiritual battle, so there was constant need to be on guard. If my husband preached on the devil or hell, we learned to ask for special protection for ourselves and for our family. We were very grateful for the whole armor of God. I was also aware that Satan would try to use me to hinder my husband, especially on Saturday evening, so I had to restrain my words and reactions. We noticed the children would often succumb to being sick during Saturday night. As a result, we lost sleep when my husband needed to be fresh for his Sunday preach­ing. So we prayed especially hard for protection for Sunday and Monday, too! We knew that the Lord is “stronger then the strong man” and He has gained the victory.

Home was a place of contrast. We had excited young people arriving, asking my husband to conduct their wedding. Perhaps within the hour there would be sad news about a member’s sudden death. I found it extremely difficult about visit a bereaved family, arriving when there was a room full of people all turning to see the pastor and his wife. Slow realized I was saying too much. Just listening was the much better way.               

It was a privilege to be involved with folk in joy and sorrow and it was a humbling experience to have them trust use with very private and personal matters. We had to be flexible – not my strong point – but, having committed the day to the Lord, we had to believe the unexpected was allowed by our God. I was very slow to learn this. How grateful I’ve been countless times for James 1:5-6! I’d say something like this – “Lord, I need wisdom and Thou hast it, so here I come asking for it. I thank Thee, Lord” (asking in faith) – then into the situation.

Home should be a place of relaxation and calm for the pastor – not easy to achieve when the central heating broke down and there was a leak just when we were expecting visiting preacher to stay a few nights in the dead of winter! Living by faith and not by sight and working out practically what one claims to believe takes a lifetime for someone like me to achieve. I often flapped unnecessarily and made things more difficult for a patient, unruffled husband! In the light of eternity, these crises were trivial.

My husband has always maintained that it is a very great privilege to be a pastor, and I can say the same as a pastor’s wife. It was thrilling to see God at work and individuals coming to spiritual birth, and then encouraging them in their daily walk. I thank God for entrusting us with that privilege in spite of our frailty and shortcomings. “His strength is made perfect in weakness’’