Proverbs - Parenting and Obedience
Proverbs - Parenting and Obedience
Introduction⤒🔗
Some time ago, the Sunday edition of the local newspaper carried a front-page story with the following headlines: EPIC: For parents, this program may be monumental—parents learn how to operate their children properly.1
The opening paragraphs of the story read as follows:
You have to get a license to drive a car. But the only thing you have to do to be a parent is well, you know.
To be a good driver you can read the owner’s manual, study the rules of the road and join AAA Motor Club.
But children don’t come with a manual, and the rules for raising them are ambiguous. And there is no AAA Parents Club.
But there is EPIC, Effective Parenting Information for Children, a series of six workshops for children of elementary school age.
The closing paragraph of the article related how the parents who participated in the program received an “EPIC Certificate of Appreciation.” Upon receiving his certificate, one father remarked: “I’m going to hang this on my refrigerator. And when my son asks, ‘How can you do this?’ I’m going to point to it. It’s probably the closest thing to a parenting license available.” Now there is the seedling of a frightening concept: have parents licensed by the State upon the completion of a State-approved parenting course.
One other thing noteworthy about the EPIC program was the role, (or rather the non-role), of the church. Valley View Medical Center sponsored the workshop for parents of infants and toddlers, while St. Paul’s Episcopal Church provided the meeting space. Note that the church provided no input as to the content of the program; it merely provided the facilities where the program was administered.
Note again one of the comments from the opening paragraphs of the newspaper article: “Children don’t come with a manual, and the rules for raising them are ambiguous.”
Contrary to those comments, the Word of God does provide guidelines addressed to both parents and children—this is our next topical study from the Book of Proverbs.
Fathers: Love Your Son/Daughter (Prov. 13:24; 29:15; 22:15; 22:6; 19:27)←⤒🔗
He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently. (Prov. 13:24)←↰⤒🔗
Genuine love for your son or daughter will be expressed in the form of diligent training—a training that involves both instruction and discipline: “fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; on the contrary, raise them in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). The prime responsibility is with the father, as the God-appointed head of the home. The father’s task is to “raise,” or, “nurture,” the child for the LORD—i.e. lead the child to the Savior and help develop his relationship with Christ the Savior. As the Apostle Paul indicates, nurturing involves both “discipline” and “instruction.”
Proverbs 13:24 declares that withholding “the rod” of discipline is actually an expression of hatred, not compassion. Hatred in the sense of not having the child’s best interest as the father’s number one priority. Hatred in the sense that withholding needed discipline and rebuke is a form of self-love. Self-love in the form of either not being able to bear causing the child any form of suffering or deprivation, even for the child’s own benefit, (If I administer discipline my son will experience suffering, and that will break my heart); or, parental self-love in the form of not wanting to endure the conflict that the administration of discipline inevitably involves, (If I administer discipline my son will react with stubborn resistance, and I do not want to have my peace disturbed). Consequently, it is withholding a very necessary expression of love from the child.
The Scriptures define love as doing what is necessary for the welfare of the other person, despite the unpleasantness or personal cost of the necessary action. The commentator, Charles Bridges remarks, “As our children’s happiness or misery, both for time and eternity, is linked with our own responsibilities, shall we not ‘watch and pray’ and resist ‘the weakness of the flesh,’ in self-denying firmness?”2
Why should we love our son/daughter?
The EPIC answer is that we should love our children because of their utilitarian value:
'Every one of us wants to know we are capable and loved, whether we are four or sixty-two,' Ms. Tittl [the director of the EPIC program] said. At the [training] session [for parents], participants were directed to think of examples of their own self-worth, either personal qualities (like being optimistic) or things they did well (like baking). Tittl encouraged them to have their children do this for themselves and post the list on the refrigerator. 'It will come in handy when they do something and you need a reminder why you love this child.' she said.3
In other words, according to the director of EPIC, you love a child because of what they can contribute or because of some good quality they may possess. This is a frighteningly inadequate reason to love our children!
The biblical answer is that we are to love our children because of their intrinsic worth as those who have been created in the image of God and are a gift entrusted to their parents by God: “Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him” (Psl. 127:3).
The rod and rebuke give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. (Prov. 29:15)←↰⤒🔗
This proverb speaks of the necessity of both “the rod and rebuke.” “Rebuke” is verbal instruction, correction; the giving of biblical direction and supplying biblical reasons for the parents’ instruction to the child. “The rod” is the disciplinary action that reinforces the rebuke. The combination of the rod and rebuke “give wisdom.” That is to say, the two working in tandem provide the direction and discipline needed to walk in a way that is pleasing to God and in accordance with His divine standard. Consider the testimony of the Psalmist as he experienced the LORD’s fatherly love in his life:
Do good to your servant according to your word, O LORD. 66Teach me knowledge and good judgment, [here is the request for rebuke and instruction] for I believe in your commandments. 67Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word [here is the acknowledgement that discipline was necessary and proved to be beneficial]. 68You are good, and what you do is good; teach me your decrees [here, again, the request for instruction and the acknowledgement of the goodness of the LORD].Psl. 119:65-68
Proverbs 29:15 goes on to teach that when a child is left to himself without the loving combination of the rod and reproof, he “brings shame to his mother.” Note the absence of the father in his role of nurturing the child in the discipline and instruction of the LORD, and the consequence that is especially felt by the mother. If the father does not exercise his role, it is virtually impossible for the mother to effectively carry out that role in his absence—whether the father’s absence be an actual departure from the home or an emotional withdrawal from carrying out his responsibilities in the home.
Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction will drive it far from him. (Prov. 22:15)←↰⤒🔗
What is the nature and purpose of discipline according to the EPIC program? “Ms. Tittl explained that discipline should not be an outside force pushing in on the child, but a tool for developing his or her inner self.”4
According to Scripture, what is the nature and purpose of discipline, and why is it necessary? Proverbs 22:15 provides the answer: “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child.” The Hebrew word, ליוִאָ, translated “foolishness” means not merely behavior that is stupid and ignorantly dangerous, but rather an attitude that is impious, irreverent, rebellious and resistant to authority. Scripture teaches that this foolishness or rebelliousness is “bound up in the heart of a child;” i.e. the child is born with a sinful nature. Note the testimony of David, “Surely, I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me” (Psl. 51:5). An example of this sinful human condition is graphically illustrated from the life of Augustine as he recounts an incident from his childhood, the time he and his companions stole bushels of pears from a neighbor’s vineyard:
We took away an enormous quantity of pears, not to eat them ourselves, but simply to throw them to the pigs...Perhaps we ate some of them, but our real pleasure consisted in doing something that was forbidden. [The theft was not prompted by need, or by coercion, or by anything other than a perverse love of sin]. The evil in me was foul, but I loved it.5
Proverbs 22:15 states, “the rod of correction will drive [foolishness] far from him.” The use of discipline is necessary because of the nature of the child’s heart. It is not enough to reason with the child, he is not an innately good and enlightened little human being who, if only shown the right way, will be very much inclined to follow it. On the contrary, his sinful nature, resistant to authority, must be addressed and counteracted. But, as Proverbs 29:15 indicates, the rod of discipline and the word of reproof are joined together: you do not resort to one or the other alone.
Train a child in the way he should go, and even when he is old he will not depart from it. (Prov. 22:6)←↰⤒🔗
Introduce and instruct a child in a given course, and when he has grown, even to old age, he will not depart from that course. This proverb is emphasizing the fact that patterns of conduct and lifestyle introduced and inculcated in childhood carry on through adult life.
Although peers may occasionally cause a teenager to reject his parents’ guidelines, studies have shown that teenagers who are relatively well adjusted and who have an open relationship with their parents will, in most cases, eventually adopt their parents’ values.6
Proverbs 22:6 gives confidence and hope to the Christian father and mother. When we give our son or daughter to Christ, and ourselves to Christ, and by His grace seek to train them for Christ as He instructs, all the while ourselves being instructed by Him and in submission to Him, we have good grounds for confidence.
Note: Although this present proverb is presented in absolute terms, it is not to be isolated from those passages that emphasize the responsibility of the son or daughter to respond to their parents and to Christ Himself. Consider, for instance, Proverbs 3:1, “My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments.”
Stop listening to instruction, my son, but then you will stray from the words of knowledge. (Prov. 19:27)←↰⤒🔗
The father facetiously instructs his son, “stop listening to instruction,” (i.e. stop paying attention and submitting to parental authority and counsel). The father is saying to his son, “I know what your heart is inclined to do, what you by nature desire to do; namely, to stop submitting to the burden of parental authority.”
But the father informs his son that should he, indeed, give in to that impulse of his heart and actually carry out that desire to stop submitting to the authority and counsel of his parents, he will “stray from the words of knowledge.” Note how the writer to the Hebrews urges us not to stray from the word of knowledge: “Therefore, we ought to pay more careful attention to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away” (Heb. 2:1).
The point of Proverbs 19:27 is this: Although it presently seems to be grievous, nevertheless, godly training and discipline are essential; they keep us on the path of life and they eventually produce spiritual fruit and maturity. Again, consider the instruction given by the writer to the Hebrews:
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Heb. 12:11
Fathers: Love your sons and daughters. Love them enough to discipline them. Love them enough to set a godly example for them, as did the godly father of Proverbs:
Listen, my son, and accept what I say, then the years of your life will be many. 11I have instructed you in the way of wisdom, I have led you in the paths of uprightness Prov. 4:10-11
Sons/Daughters: Honor Your Father and Mother (Prov. 17:6; 20:20; 23:19-21,26-28; 27:10; 28:24)←⤒🔗
Children’s children are a crown to the aged, and fathers are the glory of their children. (Prov. 17:6)←↰⤒🔗
The crown of honor that God gives to old men are their grandchildren: “May the LORD bless you from Zion all the days of your life; may you see the prosperity of Jerusalem, 6and may you live to see your children’s children. Peace be upon Israel” (Psl. 128:5-6). Furthermore, those to whom children should give honor are their fathers, (i.e. their father and grandfather).
The fifth commandment is, “Honor your father and your mother” (Ex. 20:12). The requirement is that sons and daughters exhibit an attitude of respect and reverence towards their parents. This God-pleasing attitude towards parents should express itself in the way sons and daughters view their parents, address their parents, treat their parents, and obey their parents.
Why does God give this commandment that sons and daughters ought to honor their parents? He does so because our parents are representatives of God and reflect the Person of God. Our parents have been used by God to give us life. They exercise God-given authority over us. They love us and are concerned for our welfare, thereby reflecting the love of the heavenly Father Himself for His children.
Consider the warning set out in Scripture for those who spurn the fifth commandment: “Whoever curses his father or his mother, his lamp will be snuffed out in pitch darkness” (Prov. 20:20). Here is a very severe offense: not only neglecting the command to honor parents, but also blatantly doing the opposite, cursing one’s parents, (subjecting them to verbal assault and abuse, treating them with contempt). Here, too, is a very severe penalty: the offender’s lamp (his life) shall be extinguished in blackness of darkness.
How great an offense it is to disobey the fifth commandment may be seen from the penalty incurred for such transgression: “The eye that mocks his father, and scorns to obey his mother, will be pecked out by the ravens of the valley and be eaten by the vultures” (Prov. 30:17). When the Apostle Paul lists the sins perpetrated by man in his rebellion against God his Creator, the sin of disobeying one’s parents is listed among such heinous offenses as murder and is one manifestation of “wickedness:”
[They became] filled with all unrighteousness, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice. They became gossipers, 30slanderers, haters of God, insolent, arrogant, boastful, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents. 31They are senseless, unfaithful, heartless, ruthless. Rom. 1:29-31
Proverbs provides some practical guidelines as to how we are to honor our father and our mother. First, we can honor our parents by heeding their counsel:
Listen, my son, and be wise, and keep your heart in the right path. 20Do not associate with those who drink too much wine or those who gorge themselves with food, 21for the drunkard and the glutton will become poverty-stricken, and drowsiness will clothe a man in rags.Prov. 23:19-21
Do not waste your income by expending it on carousing. Do not sacrifice your ethic of industriousness. Do not jeopardize your spiritual welfare by associating with those who give themselves to such a lifestyle of debauchery.
My son, give me your heart, and let your eyes delight in my ways; 27for a prostitute is a deep pit, and an adulteress is a narrow well. 28She lies in wait like a bandit, and increases the number of unfaithful among men Prov. 23:26-28
Avoid immoral people and choose a spouse wisely and with prayerful consideration.
Second, we can honor our parents by respecting and maintaining their friendships:
Do not forsake your own friend or your father’s friend, and do not go to your brother’s house on the day of your calamity; better is a neighbor who is near than a brother who is far away.Prov. 27:10
Demonstrate a faithful commitment to that man who has proven himself to be a true friend to your father. Do so out of consideration for your father and out of appreciation to that man who has shown himself to be your father’s reliable friend.
Third, we can honor our parents by caring for their needs:
Whoever robs his father or his mother and says, 'I have committed no transgression,' he is partners with a murderer.Prov. 28:24
Whoever robs his parents by taking what is rightfully theirs, or by depriving them of help in their time of need, is equated with a murderer.
Consider the example of the Pharisees’ practice of ‘Corban’ as it was denounced by the Lord Jesus in Mark 7:10-12,
Moses said, 'Honor your father and your mother;' and, 'Whoever curses his father or mother, let him be put to death.' 11But you say, If a man shall say to his father or his mother, That by which you might have received financial assistance from me is Corban,(that is to say, Given to God), 12you no longer allow him to do anything for his father or his mother.
A contemporary illustration of this same principle may be as follows: A son puts money into a bank account designated, “For the Lord.” That money may not be touched by his parents, but the son himself may still write personal checks for his own benefit, using the money in that special account as a guarantee that his checks will have sufficient funds to back them up. Furthermore, he may still collect the interest on that money until which time it is transferred to the church.
Our responsibility to honor our parents continues throughout our adult life; and that responsibility takes the form of caring for the needs and welfare of our parents in their elderly years.
Sons and Daughters: Honor Your Father and Your Mother. Do so by appreciating their role as God’s representatives and those who reflect the Person of God. Do so by fulfilling your responsibilities to them at each stage of your life.
Conclusion←⤒🔗
Contrary to the sentiments expressed by the newspaper reporter who interviewed the director of EPIC and who stated in the conclusion of his article, “Children don’t come with a manual, and the rules for raising them are ambiguous,” the Word of God does provide guidelines addressed to both parents and children. Those guidelines may be summarized as follows.
Fathers, love your sons and daughters. Love them enough to nurture them in the discipline and instruction of the LORD. Love them enough to set a godly example for them.
Sons and Daughters, honor your father and mother. Do so by appreciating their role as God’s representatives and those who reflect the Person of God. Do so by fulfilling your responsibilities to them at each stage of your life.
Review Questions←⤒🔗
- What is one way in which a father expresses his love for his son or daughter? See Prov. 13:24b What is the meaning of Proverbs 13:24a? Withholding discipline may seem to be an act of love, but what is the result when a child is not disciplined? Note Prov. 29:15b How does the heavenly Father demonstrate His love for us? See Heb. 12:6 Why does the heavenly Father carry out such discipline? See Heb. 12:10,
He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently. Prov. 13:24
The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left [to himself] brings shame to his mother. Prov. 29:15
...whom the LORD loves he chastens, and scourges every son whom he receives. Heb. 12:6
The heavenly Father disciplines us for [our] profit, that we may be partakers of his holiness. Heb. 12:10
- What two things, used in tandem, give wisdom to a child? See Prov. 29:15a Why are both discipline and instruction needed? What does the need for “the rod” tell us about the innate nature of the child? What does the use of “reproof” tell us about the need to treat the child as a human being in distinction to a brute beast?
The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left [to himself] brings shame to his mother. Prov. 29:15
- Why is it necessary to discipline a child? See Prov. 22:15 How does this biblical analysis of a child’s nature contrast to the commonly held humanistic view of a child’s innate nature? What does our Lord Jesus tell us about the fallen nature of the human heart? See Mk. 7:21-22,
Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction will drive it far from him. Prov. 22:15
The Hebrew word translated “foolishness” contains not only meaning of ignorantly dangerous behavior, but also that of rebelliousness.
From within [men], out of the heart of men, come forth evil thoughts, [such as] fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, 22[all types of] greed and malice, deceit, wantonness, envy, slander, arrogance, folly. Mk. 7:21-22
- How are grandchildren described in Proverbs 17:6a? How are fathers described in Proverbs 17:6b? What is the 5th Commandment? See Ex. 20:12 Does this commandment only pertain to one’s childhood and adolescent years? See Mk. 7:10-12,
Children’s children are a crown to the aged, and fathers are the glory of their children. Prov. 17:6
Receiving a crown is a symbol of honor, and being a crown is a means of bringing honor; the same is true of receiving or giving glory.
Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land that the LORD your God is giving you. (Ex. 20:12)
Moses said, 'Honor your father and your mother;' and, 'Whoever curses his father or mother, let him be put to death.' 11But you say, If a man shall say to his father or his mother, “That by which you might have received financial assistance from me is 'Corban,' (that is to say, Given to God), 12you no longer allow him to do anything for his father or his mother. Mk. 7:10-12
- What are some ways in which we as Christian sons and daughters are to honor our fathers and mothers? See Prov. 28:24 (note, again, Mk. 7:10-12) and 1 Tim. 5:16 Do we take seriously the godly counsel they may have given us in our youth and abide by that counsel? Note Prov. 23:19 21 and 23:26-28,
Whoever robs his father or his mother and says, 'I have committed no transgression,' he is partners with a murderer. Prov. 28:24
If any believing man or woman has widows, let them relieve them [i.e. meet their needs in their old age]... 1 Tim. 5:16
Listen, my son, and be wise, and keep your heart in the right path. 20Do not associate with those who drink too much wine or those who gorge themselves with food, 21for the drunkard and the glutton will become poverty-stricken, and drowsiness will clothe a man in rags. (Prov. 23:19-21
My son, give me your heart, and let your eyes delight in my ways; 27for a prostitute is a deep pit, and an adulteress is a narrow well. 28She lies in wait like a bandit, and increases the number of unfaithful among men.Prov. 23:26-28
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