It would be nice if we could give an easy, practical method of family visitation. The question arises both with office-bearers and the congregation, "Why isn't there a final answer?" Well, each person varies. Circumstances also vary from day to day. We are not dealing with concrete and wood, but with living people; office-bearers are also flesh and blood, with changing emotions. Our life is not uniform. There are so many variances. Rules can change. In general, if there are rules, they cannot always be applied in all circumstances. If this would happen, family visitation would become mechanical. In other words, it cannot be programmed. Much must be taken into consideration. The surroundings, the upbringing, the profession, and circumstances – all have a great influence in our lives. The spiritual life of God's people also varies from day to day. This is very obvious in Psalm 107.

By the billows heavenward tossed,
Down to dreadful depths again. Psalter 295:2a

This also transpires in family life, with sickness and health, sorrow and joy, riches and poverty. All these changes have a great influence in our life. There is not a person so stable that he is not susceptible to inward and outward fluctuations. We also encounter small families, large families, orphans, widows, widowers, mourners, and families with various anxieties. We meet optimists, pessimists, critics, gentle persons and difficult families. All these circumstances must be taken into consideration.

It is a great advantage if we know the family we are going to visit, how we should present ourselves, and how we can wisely address any situation that may arise. There can be much conversation while hearts remain closed. A well-known proverb is, "A good beginning is half the work." This also applies to family visitation. In fact, the beginning lies in the office-bearer's own home. We must consider the family about to be visited; we must premeditate about the family and the circumstances of those we visit. The initial act is for the office-bearer to bow his knees at home and ask the Lord for guidance and wisdom. Without Him we can do nothing. It may seem strange and superfluous to mention this, but this is not as strange as it may seem. We have plans for the whole day, from hour to hour, but in general there is no time set aside for prayer. Daniel bowed his knees three times a day in prayer at the open windows toward Jerusalem. We can be so busy, also in office-bearing, that we do not have time for prayer. This is also a commission for those who receive family visitation. If we have rules for family visita­tion, prayer should be the primary rule for both sides. Much would be gained if this practice were utilized. The Lord glorifies Himself in the way of answering prayer. The objective is not to have a superficial, cordial evening together, but that the Lord will give a blessed evening to all.

Another important factor is that office-bearers must be fully aware that they must direct the conversation. They may not go with the premise: We will see how it goes. There are people who are expert in directing a conversation in such a way that spiritual concerns are not even mentioned. The majority of the time is spent speaking frivolously, and if an attempt is made to speak about the sermon preached on Sunday, they say in a friendly way, "Would you like to have a cup of coffee?" Office-bearers have an obligation to inquire as to what the preaching accomplishes. Keep that in mind. If we leave a house without knowing this, we have missed our purpose. How can we find this out? By listening to what the members speak about.

Many office-bearers have a serious problem with steering the conversation. One time someone mentioned to me, "I have had family visitation." I said, "That is good. How did it go?" The answer was: "It was very easy. We didn't have to say a thing. The elders came in and spoke incessantly; we didn't have to say anything." They listened, but the elders didn't. To listen is much more difficult than to speak, but yet a fundamental rule for family visitation is to listen attentively about the need, strife, and circumstances of another. Solomon was a wise king. He stated in Proverbs 18:13, "He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him." It is foolish to give a quick and unthoughtful answer. To listen well is an art that is understood by the wise. Listening is important in all aspects of life, and we determine all circumstances by what we hear. If we do not listen to God, we will not listen to others. We must not minimize the importance of the Word.

We observe many people in our day with many struggles. The complexities of life produce tensions in families and also in young people. How shall we get through this life? Which avenue should we follow? And how can we find it? These concerns usually occupy more of our thoughts than a concern for our soul. Many people, especially young people, in their natural perplexities rarely if at all think about their soul's destiny. It is not unusual that the church can lose contact with the congregation. Everyone has trouble on this earth, those with families and those that are single. Living under the administration of the Word also results in strife and can cause anxieties. Impressions of death, eternity, hell and condemnation, can cause tremendous burdens in the lives of young and old. The realization of sin and guilt can weigh upon us as a heavy burden. Questions about faith, hope, election, regeneration, and conversion, along with depression, fear, and despair, can monopolize our thoughts. Many contemplations also arise in family life in the upbringing of our children in this complicated and fast-changing world. Married life also has its tensions, frustrations, and difficulties. Many times advice will be sought from worldly counsellors, even though there is help in our own circles. We can dispute why this transpires. I think that distrust plays a large role in this and also that it is felt that there is little understanding about circumstances.

In order to be able to understand a problem, it is essential to be a good listener. It is necessary to delve further into this. Many people are reluctant to speak (I mean an intimate conversation), where we can relate our inward feelings. If we do not realize, acknowledge or accept this, we can use many words and still have a superficial conversation. We must ask ourselves: What must we do in order to have a real conversation of substance? What are our intentions and expectations? It is necessary for office-bearers and the congregation to analyze these ques­tions. Family visitation is not just to speak with one another the whole evening. The purpose is to speak from heart to heart, so that our intimate concerns are revealed. This cannot be done without speaking. The great Creator created man with wisdom and ability to convey his feelings by speaking. This is a great gift of God. Our emotional feelings are expressed by speaking. The intonation of the voice also has meaning. Anger, love, fear, despondency, and many other aspects of our feelings are revealed by the manner in which we speak.

If we do not pay attention to these important factors, we bypass each other when we converse and err in our own conclusions. We cannot use the same format for each individual or family. We do not know beforehand what will be forthcoming. We steadfastly maintain that the Word is the revealed means whereby we communicate with others. It is by this means that the conversation is established. Then we feel a bond, and this is our goal. If there is a genuine conversation, personal barriers of solitude are broken down. Every person desires contact. Young people also have a desire to unburden themselves, and speak in confidence about the many questions that beset them.

It is of utmost importance how a person is spoken to. We must consider that we can also misuse the Word by denying, twisting, or concealing reality. Many people cover themselves with a mask and painstakingly conceal what is in their heart. There are many who do not wish to discuss their inner feelings, and the conversation remains superficial. We can also use our tongue as a sharp sword. Then we use the Word as a weapon to hurt and grieve one another, and this ruins all communication. James speaks about the power of the tongue. Everyone who goes on family visitation should read James 3 attentively. When he speaks about the abuse of the tongue, he starts with an admonition, "My brethren, be not many masters, knowing that we shall receive the greater condemnation. For in many things we of­fend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man." How humbling it is to hear: "The tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity … the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison" (James 1:2, 6, 8). And with that tongue office-bearers must go on family visitation. With that tongue they are received into the house. With the tongue we can create love, trust, joy, deliverance, and rest, or arguments, unrest, dissatisfaction, bitterness, and separation. it becomes evident that the end result will either be the fruit of the Holy Spirit or of the flesh.

James also speaks about the wisdom that is from above and the wisdom that is not from above in chapter 3:17: "The wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy."

How can we go on family visitation or have family visitation without first bowing our knees? If we have the least knowledge of our tongue, then we will fear ourself and beg the Lord to set a watch over our mouth and keep the door of our lips so that we do not speak unadvisedly. Our tongue is called "a fire," and if we go on family visitation this fiery tongue goes with us and we must be very cautious. There is always a chance for an outburst of fire, and who can extinguish it? The preached Word, pastoral care, and the response to preaching is dependent on the proper use of our tongue, speech, and words. A genuine conversation does not consist in a multitude of words. A series of words without intermission is like water running off a rock. Solomon said, "A word fitly spo­ken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver." Our words should run parallel with the circumstances we meet with. In other words, if there is sorrow, then we must speak to comfort, etc. When we present ourselves with a pleasant attitude and a handshake, we express ourselves already before we begin to speak.

In this aspect, we also refer to moments of silence during a conversation. There must be time for contemplation as to what has been said. If we do not respond to others without due consideration, it is foolishness. Sometimes the only responses are "yes," "no," or only a nod of the head. This type of silence is an embarrassment and gives guilt feelings to everyone. This happened at one time when a brother elder, who accompanied me on family visitation, said on the spur of the moment, "Be honest with me, did you make up your mind ahead of time to be silent?"  felt it was an appropriate question.

Silence can also result if people are shy. And if the family is together, parents may not want to express themselves in the presence of their children, and vice versa. This difficulty can also be between brothers and sisters, so only things that are predominant are mentioned, but every effort must be made to overcome this. Silence also occurs when the conversation is not edifying. This happens many times, and then communication is nothing more than a lifeless formality. The fruit of this is the conclusion that family visitation does not have to be done for us anymore.

There is also a silence when real communion is felt, when there is a bond of fellowship. Then each one listens and speaks in an edifying way. This results in an enduring relationship. Then God's Word is fulfilled when Christ stated, "Where two or three are gathered together in My Name, there am I in the midst of them" (Mt. 18:20). Then we feel the presence of the Lord, and feel that we are God's servants (2 Cor. 5:20). These feelings are wrought by the Holy Spirit, for which we must pray and give thanks. Then the time goes quickly and we may say, "It was good to be here." This can also hap­pen in our day if we not only open our doors but our hearts to present ourselves as we are. To change the difficulties of family visitation, we must begin with ourselves. The Holy Spirit works by means, and we quench and grieve the Spirit if we do not open ourselves to others.

From what has been said, it is obvious that we should both speak and listen. Most of the time it is more difficult to listen than to speak. To listen is a creative act. If you know how to listen, you will open the heart of others and make it easier for them to speak. A sincerely attentive listener can gain the confidence of someone who has been isolated for years. To listen gives a sense of openness and impartiality to others. This must be done with reverence, love, and patience.

We must not only listen but try to understand what prompts the speaker's expressions. Words can be inade­quate to relate a person's actual feelings, and for this reason we should analyze what they are trying to say. There are also people who pour out words incessantly. This is not edifying but causes frustration, and we should analyze the question causing this dilemma. If this is not clear to both parties, or if there are too many misconceptions, the visit becomes a failure. Furthermore, they may question whether their particular circumstances should be discussed. This is the main reason many keep back their troubles and needs. There is also the fear of a private sermon, bringing with it a responsibility they feel they cannot handle.

Actually, many minimize family visitation. This is a dangerous and unhealthy situation because we are deal­ing with living souls – people who must go through this life of trials, suffer­ings, failings, wrestlings, and sinning – people who have a body and soul that are entrusted to our care. There are many individual personalities, and we live in an unpredictable world. There are many changes and some happen so fast that all that is left is a feeling of uncertainty. But we may not stop here. Through all ages God's Word has remained unchangeable. It is a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path. It is a blessing of the Holy Spirit. It is through the preaching that the Word of God works, strengthens, and nourishes faith in our personal life. The true meaning of family visitation is that the Word of God may dwell in us richly. Through the powerful working of the Holy Spirit, God's Word will bear fruits of conversion and faith.

Spiritual preparation is needed for successful family visitations, namely, prayer. Also important is constant reading and meditation of God's Word and other books of a spiritual nature.

There is a treasure of harvested sheaves left by our forefathers which many praise, but are they read? The form of ordination for office-bearers speaks about the necessity of continually searching the Word of God and medi­tating on the mysteries of faith. It is this eternal and precious Word of God that binds us together as office-bearers and congregations.

Behold, how good, how pleasant is the union,
When brethren in the Lord have sweet communion!
For there Jehovah God His blessing sends,
Yea, even life that never ends. Psalter 449:1a 2b