Read Ephesians 5:22-33.

Introduction⤒🔗

Nina was really discouraged. When she first married Jeff, she was so eager to please him; that was nine years ago. Now she felt she could no longer bear his perfectionism, his insults, and his tendency to blame her for everything that went wrong. She had tried to tell him about the way she felt, but he refused to listen. No matter what she did to try to please him, his cutting remarks and accusations continued. She was convinced that God was never going to change her husband, and she might as well give up.

A few nights after coming to this conclusion, she gave the whole matter over to the Lord. She told the Lord she was going to stop trying to change her husband. She told the Lord she was turning everything over to Him. She told the Lord she was going to trust and obey Him in everything. An amazing thing happened. Jeff did change, but not until long after Nina changed.

The first change that occurred was a change in Nina’s perspective. She stopped trying to make a happy marriage for herself by changing Jeff. Instead, she concentrated on honoring God in her marriage by doing His will. One of the results was a new and happy marriage.

As we come to Ephesians 5:22-33, there are two important things to recognize. First, this passage is not about making a happy marriage for yourself, it is about honoring God in your marriage. Second, when both marriage partners seek to honor God in their marriage by fulfilling their God-given roles, they will be blessed with a happy marriage. The important question is this: Are you honoring God in your marriage?

Wives, You Honor God in Your Marriage, by Submitting to Your Husband←⤒🔗

In verse twenty-two, the Apostle Paul exhorts Christian wives to be in submission to their own husbands. There is a connection between verses 18, 21 and 22: “be filled with the Spirit” (5:18), “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ” (5:21), “Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord” (5:22). Verse eighteen exhorts the Christian to be filled with the Holy Spirit. Verse twenty-one indicates that one evidence and one mark of being filled with the Holy Spirit is living in submission to one another. Now in verse twenty-two, Paul indicates that when Christian wives are living a Spirit-filled life, this characteristic of godly submission will be especially displayed in the marriage relationship and will be practiced with regard to the wife’s relationship to her husband.

One evidence of a Spirit-filled life is submissiveness; and, conversely, the source of submissiveness is a Spirit-filled life. The key to fulfilling the biblical command addressed to wives is to do what Nina did: she turned everything over to the Lord and told Him she was going to trust and obey Him in everything, and the Lord gave her the grace she needed.

Paul goes on to write, “Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord.” That is to say, the Christian wife is to submit herself to her husband for the sake of Jesus, doing it out of love and devotion to her Lord; doing so as part of her devotion to her Lord Jesus. She should do so remembering that out of love for her, the Lord Jesus submitted Himself to God, which meant going to the cross of Calvary. The Christian wife must bear in mind the words of her Lord Jesus: “If you love me, you will keep my commandments” (Jn. 14:15), and, “Why do you call me, Lord, Lord, but do not do the things I say?” (Lk. 6:46)

The wife is to submit herself to her husband because he is responsible to fulfill the role of the Lord Jesus in the marriage: “the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church... ²⁵Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph. 5:23,25). Wives are to be in submission to their own husbands “because the husband is the head of the wife” (vs. 23a).

There is a divine order of authority and dominion that God has established over and in His creation. At the very outset, God made it clear to Adam that he was obligated to live in submission to his Creator: ”And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, From every tree of the garden you may freely eat; ¹⁷but you shall not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die” (Gen. 2:16-17). Here was a clear and direct commandment that the man was required to obey; it was a commandment issued by the Creator to the one He had created in His own image. Even as God exercises dominion over those whom He has created, the man and the woman were given the calling to exercise dominion over the creation on behalf of God their Creator: ”God blessed them and said to them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the heavens, and over every living thing that moves upon the earth” (Gen. 1:28).

The divine structure of authority and submission operates within the church as an expression of life within the kingdom of God and as a witness to the world: “Christ is the head of the church” (Eph. 5:23), and “the church is in submission to Christ” (Eph. 5:24). This divinely ordained structure of authority and submission is to be modeled in our marriages to the honor and glory of God and as a divine witness to the world. Within the marriage, God has assigned to the husband the role of portraying Christ in His self-giving love for the church and headship over the church, and to the wife He has assigned the role of portraying the church in her submission to her Lord.

Wives are to be in submission to their own husbands “in all things” (vs. 24). That is to say, the wife is to be in submission to her husband in every aspect of the marriage. Conversely, no aspect of the marriage is exempt from the husband’s God-given responsibility; in no area of the marriage may the husband abrogate his responsibility of supplying loving leadership and security for his wife.

Christian wives, you are called to honor God in your marriage, by submitting to your husbands for Jesus’ sake.

Husbands, You Honor God in Your Marriage, by Loving Your Wife←⤒🔗

The Apostle Paul exhorts Christian husbands, “love your wives.” The specific way in which the husband displays the submissiveness that is characteristic of the Spirit-filled life is by obeying the commandment of Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives.” Twice in the passage of Ephesians chapter five, the wife is commanded to be in submission to her husband (vs. 22, 24). But three times the husband is commanded to love his wife (vs. 25, 28, 33).

Observe that the husband is not instructed to make sure that his wife lives in submission to him; on the contrary, he is commanded to love his wife. The husband is to concentrate on his God-given responsibility to his wife, and leave the fulfillment of his wife’s responsibility to her and to God. There are at least five ways in which a husband can express his love: 1) by performing acts of service for his wife; 2) by expressions of appreciation and gratitude; 3) by presenting her with gifts; 4) by listening to her; and, 5) by touching her in a gentle and compassionate manner.

But above all, the husband is commanded to love his wife “just as Christ loved the church.” Out of love, Christ gave himself up for the church. Christ denied Himself; He sacrificed Himself, all for the life and welfare of His church. The Christian husband is to sacrifice himself, (his time, his use of money, his desires, etc.), for the sake of his wife. When his wife pleads with him to listen to her and to spend time with her, out of love for her and for Christ, the Christian husband must respond to her request.

When your wife desires for you to take her out for a romantic dinner, but you want to watch a sporting event on T.V., as a Christian husband, what should you choose to do? When your wife tells you of a new dress she would love to have, and you have your heart set on a new piece of sporting equipment (golf clubs, bowling ball, etc.), as a Christian husband, how should you spend that bonus money you have received from your employer?

Christian husbands are to love their wives “as they love their own bodies” (vs. 28). The husband must look at the way in which he loves his body: he nourishes it (by feeding it three times a day), and he cherishes it (by protecting it and caring for it when it is injured or ill). Then he must proceed to love his wife in the same way: by nourishing her, seeking to meet her needs (physically, emotionally, sexually), and by cherishing her; the husband must protect his wife, care for his wife, promote her welfare, appreciate his wife, and thank the Lord for his wife.

Christ lovingly and painstakingly is preparing us as His church for a glorious future with Himself, as described in verses 25-27, He concerns Himself with our welfare,

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, ²⁶so that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her with the washing of water by the word, ²⁷so that he might present the church to himself in glory, without blemish or wrinkle or any [other] such thing, but being holy and blameless.

Christian husbands are to help their wives grow into all they can become as godly women, and by no means is the Christian husband to stifle his wife’s spiritual life or the use of her God-given gifts and talents. It is a terrible thing for a husband to be jealous of his wife’s God-given gifts, or be intimidated by his wife’s God-given abilities, and seek to disparage her in order to elevate his own ego.

Husbands are to love their wives by putting into practice the instruction contained in Genesis 2:24, the passage of Scripture Paul quotes in verse thirty-one: “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

The husband must leave his father and mother. The childhood ties with his parents, both physically and emotionally, must be severed. Upon entering into marriage, the man must no longer view himself as being under the dominion and authority of his parents, (though he does continue to have the obligation to honor them and care for them in their time of need). His primary obligation now is to love his wife, “just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

The husband must be “joined to his wife;” he must take the leadership in establishing a new and independent family unit. He must recognize that now a new loyalty and priority must take precedence; his loyalty to his wife now must take priority over that which he formerly rendered to his parents in the time of his youth. He must recognize that a new responsibility takes precedence; the responsibility of headship in his marriage now takes priority over the former responsibility of submission to his parents, which prevailed during the time of his youth.

The Christian husband is exhorted to love his wife “just as he loves himself” (vs. 33). There is a connection between the command of Ephesians 5:33 and the commandment of Matthew 22:39, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” The way we are instructed to fulfill our obligation to our neighbor helps us to understand how, as Christian husbands, we are also to fulfill our obligation to our wives. According to Romans 13:10, “Love does no harm to its neighbor.” In Matthew 7:12 our Lord Jesus declares, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” The Christian husband should view his wife as his closest neighbor.

Christian husbands, you are called to honor God in your marriage, by loving your wives for Jesus’ sake.

Conclusion←⤒🔗

Following their act of disobedience in the Garden of Eden, the LORD God said to the woman: “Your desire shall be for your husband, but he shall rule over you” (Gen. 2:16c). These words were a form of judgment pronounced upon both the man and the woman. They had refused to fulfill their divinely-appointed role of living in submission to the LORD their God, now they would suffer the consequence. One aspect of that consequence would be to suffer a perversion of their God-given roles.

The woman, who had been created to be a compatible helper for the man (cf. Gen. 2:18), would now seek to dominate the man. The phrase, “your desire shall be for your husband,” is the same expression that occurs in Genesis 4:7. In that passage, the LORD informs Cain that sin’s “desire is for you;” i.e. sin has the desire to dominate and control the sinner. Thus, the man’s appointed role of headship would be constantly challenged and defied, this would become part of the consequence of his defying the authority of his Creator.

The latter part of Genesis 2:16c reveals the consequence of disobedience the woman would suffer: “but your husband shall rule over you.” This is foretelling a re-assertion of the husband’s headship over the wife; but now by a husband who has succumbed to sin and finds himself under the dominion of sin. Consequently, if he allows his sinful nature to dictate his relationship with his wife, it will turn into a tyrannical, even, ruthlessly exerted dominion over the woman. A father brought to his pastor a concern he had with regard to his little son: the son had the tendency to hit his mother and dominate his little sister. Here was an expression of the sinful perversion of the man’s God-given role of headship, which was intended to be loving, self-giving leadership, not tyranny.

When Adam and Eve disobeyed the LORD God their Creator, He gave them over to suffer the consequence of their sin. Now, in their state of sin, they react to one another as sinners, not as saints: the woman has the sinful tendency to defy the man and seek to usurp his role, and the man has the sinful tendency to exercise his role with dominating suppression of the woman.

But what is true of the natural man, (i.e. men and women in their state of sin), is no longer true of the Christian man and woman: “if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new” (2 Cor. 5:17). The Christian husband and wife, whose old sinful hearts has been crucified with Christ, and who now share in Christ’s resurrection life, are now restored unto God, and their God-ordained roles must be restored for God’s glory and their happiness.

Discussion Questions←⤒🔗

1. What connection is there between the Apostle Paul’s exhortation to Christian wives (cf. Eph. 5:22), and Ephesians 5:21? The submission spoken of in that verse is one characteristic of what kind of life? See Eph. 5:18b. Consequently, what is the source of the submission the LORD requires of the Christian wife, and of what does her compliance with that submission testify?

¹⁸...be filled with the Spirit... ²¹submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. ²²Wives, [submit] to your own husbands as to the Lord... Eph. 5:21-22

2. How is the Christian wife to view her submission to her husband (cf. Eph. 5:22)? As a Christian wife, how will the recognition that your submission to your husband is a Spirit-filled (Spirit-motivated and generated) act of loving devotion to Christ your Lord affect your compliance with regard to that submission?

Wives, [submit] to your own husbands as to the Lord... Eph. 5:22

3. As a Christian wife, what is your God-given role in marriage? See Eph. 5:23-24. What adverse pressure is exerted against biblical marriage, especially the role of the wife, by the secular feminist movement? What internal pressure seeks to combat your compliance with your God-given marital role? Note Gen. 3:16. The unique way in which sin has affected the marital relationship is that it incites the wife to usurp the husband’s role of headship, and it pressures the husband into abdicating his God-given responsibility of exercising leadership. Being aware of these pressures, what do the husband and wife need to do? See Gal. 5:16,

...the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church, he being the savior of the body. ²⁴But as the church is in submission to Christ, so also wives [ought to submit] to their husbands in all things. Eph. 5:23-24

Following the Fall, the LORD God said to the woman, ...your desire shall be for your husband, but he shall rule over you. (Gen. 3:16b) The “desire” spoken of here is the desire to usurp the role of headship, which the LORD had assigned to the man. In Gen. 4:7b, the same expression is used in speaking of sin’s desire to dominate and control Cain’s life: sin is crouching at the door; its desire is for you, but you must rule over it.

Walk by the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. Gal. 5:16

“The flesh” is a reference to the old sinful nature that still operates in the Christian’s life.

4. What exhortation does the Apostle Paul give to the Christian husband (cf. Eph. 5:25a)? With what kind of love are you, as a Christian husband, to love your wife (cf. Eph. 5:25b)? What are some ways in which you are to express this kind of Christ-like love? Note 1 Pet. 3:7. Is the husband given any commandment to see to it that his wife is fulfilling her role of submission? If you, as a Christian husband, are seeking to fulfill your role of providing loving, sacrificial leadership, will that be of assistance to your wife in fulfilling her role?

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her... Eph. 5:25

Likewise, may the husbands live with [their wives] in an understanding way: showing respect to the wife as a weaker partner and as a co-heir of the grace of life. [Conduct yourselves in this way] so that your prayers are not hindered. 1 Pet. 3:7

5. What connection is there between Christian marriage and Christ’s relationship to the church? See Eph. 5:31-32. Do you appreciate the fact that the sexual intimacy experienced in Christian marriage is a reflection of the profound spiritual intimacy the church experiences with Christ, an experience to be fully and eternally realized in glory? How might you more fully experience this sexual intimacy with your spouse in marriage, and this spiritual intimacy with Christ in your life?

...a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. ³²This is a profound mystery, now I am speaking about Christ and the church. Eph. 5:31-32