Families in crisis. If you haven't yet faced their pain in your pastoring work, you will, and more than likely, soon. How different than the family visit you make to the "normal" Chris­tian family, where parents live out the faith, albeit imperfectly, and the kids emulate their example and profess Christ. How does one deal with such crisis situations, short of throwing up your hands hopelessly, or becoming angry at the parents who can't control their homes?

In this article, we'll look at some basics of dealing with crises. Where does one begin with such cases as those above? What are the first steps? And how can you be sure you won't make things worse? And, recognizing that these examples are only two of the myriad kinds of problems God's people face in their families, are there any guidelines that apply across the board? Consider the following:

1. Understand fully that the wellbeing of families in your district or care group is your responsibility. Far too many of these kinds of problems are neglected in Christ's church because the pastors/elders look immediately for a “professional” to whom they can refer the case, happy to be rid of the burden. Unfortunately, too many of the “pros” to whom such cases are referred are unbelieving, and even if they are believers, they lack the spiritual authority to insist upon a response, an authority God has invested in the eldership. So, on the level of competence, you are God's man for the situation.
2. Remember the simple basics, even though any crisis could well overwhelm you with a multiplicity of details, problems, and personalities.

• First, God has assigned parents the duty and the authority to give leadership in the home. That may sound ridiculously obvious, but I as­sure you it isn't. In the first example above, a big part of the problem is that the parents have allowed a pat­tern to develop in which the tone, the spirit, the schedule, ultimately even the very life of the family is deter­mined by the belligerent child. Parents become reactors to the child rather than setting the agenda for the home life and its priorities. When the child runs the home, there can be no happiness.
• Second, within each Christian family, Scripture assigns role relationships. When a husband or father fails in his God-ordained duty to give firm spiritual leadership (sacrificially, “as Christ loves the church”), thus setting the direction the family is to walk, problems are inevitable. When a wife or mother usurps the husband's role, or undermines his direction, refusing to “sub­mit” biblically to him “as the church submits to Christ,” crises are likewise unavoidable. When children are not raised with loving discipline, but instead are overdisciplined (so that they never learn self-control be­cause Mom and Dad make all their decisions) or underdisciplined (so that they receive no guidance or cor­rection), grief and pain are sure to follow.
• The third basic I remind you to keep in mind is this: a Christian home is not just a place where Christians live – eat, sleep, and hang their hat. Rather, it is a place where Biblical principles guide decision-making, role relationships, and especially problem-solving. God's people ought not to be surprised when problems resulting from sin afflict their families; but they must handle them differently than the world does. Never assume that the people you are dealing with are true Christians; always make sure by examining the “fruit” of their lifestyle. If they “claim Christ” but don't reveal a clue that they live biblically in their family relationships and problem‑solving, at the very least you are dealing with profound spiritual immaturity; and at worst, you are dealing with church people who have never been converted to Christ.

3. Remember the Biblical dynamic of repentance, confession, and forgiveness. If you are convinced that it is truly Christian believers you are dealing with, you may need to remind them simply that many explosive crises, deep and interpersonal as well as immediate and emotional, can be diffused harmlessly when the members of the family, with broken and contrite hearts, confess their sinful wrongs to one another and humbly ask and give forgiveness. If you find hard and stubborn hearts on any side of any issue, you can expect no healing, no appropriate response to your counsel. It is a wise man, says the writer of Proverbs, who delights in a rebuke. He, on the other hand, whose heart is stubborn and closed, hates rebuke and correction.
4. Be prepared for long-term pastoral responsibilities. Those families who are faced with immediate crises usually have had pressures building for a long time (much like “overnight success stories” usually labored in anonymity for 20 years). While repentance, confession, and forgiveness bring remarkable healing and grace, they do not immediately change patterns and habits that have been in existence for a long time. You must help them to discern and break old sinful habits and patterns; equally important, you must guide them to establish new and biblical ones. None of these things can be done through the minimal “annual home visit”; such pastoral care requires weekly contact, sometimes even daily. Happily, some of these contacts can be informal, even telephone calls.
   But don't neglect to keep in touch. You are the man God has called to “watch over the flock of God” (Acts 20:28) to protect and defend them from doctrinal error and sinful life. You can't watch with your eyes closed, and a periodic glance from a distance isn't sufficient to defend against the wolf!
5. Finally, look for new factors. In some homes you may know well, as in the second example above, you might be genuinely surprised to see sudden major crises crop up. You may have taught the children in catechism, and prayed and studied with the folks in Bible studies, knowing them all to be solid and faithful believers whose relationships are loving and biblical. Yet, suddenly and unexpectedly, the marriage is in trouble, or one of the children runs away, or the character of the home changes from one of love to one of anger.

In such a situation, be alert to new factors that enter the equation. An adulterous affair, though not yet revealed publicly will reveal itself in guilt and a growing distance from the marriage partner long before the details of the sinful affair are known. Alcoholism, though well disguised, will profoundly affect everyone in the family through transformed personality, denial, anger, guilt and the like. Chemi­cals like alcohol and drugs will sharply transform a previously normal (!) child into a Jekyll and Hyde personality. So will the impact of new friends whose influence is negative. Keep your eyes and ears open to such new factors that the family itself may be too close to see.

Able? Willing? Two Different Questions!⤒🔗

Obviously, some situations will require more assistance than you are able to give. In that case, consult with some­one else spiritually discerning. Some pastor-teachers are competent; many are not. Some Christian MDs are excellent sources of advice and can refer you to someone who can help. But be sure that you aren't merely trying to dump off a problem because you are unwilling to spend the time and commit the effort. It is, after all, your responsibility. You are the shepherd of the flock. Even if you don't do the hands-on work of counselling, you are responsible to God to oversee the process. Such is the duty of oversight. May God grant you wisdom, and give you perseverance to do your duty.