In the past total abstinence was seen as the only alternative when pregnancy had to be avoided. This was more or less a result of the Roman Catholic attitude with respect to sexual life and abstinence. This point of view becomes particularly clear in the celibate. A Roman Catholic priest is not allowed to marry but must abstain from every sexual relationship during his whole life. They often refer to Paul who was also unmarried. He writes in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35:

The unmarried man is anxious about the affairs of the Lord, how to please the Lord; but the married man is anxious about worldly affairs, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried woman or girl is anxious about the affairs of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit; but the married woman is anxious about worldly affairs, how to please her husband. I say this for your benefit, not to lay a restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.

If this text is used to make abstinence mandatory for everyone who preaches the gospel and who wants to serve the Lord with his whole life in a special way, this text is taken out of context. The apostle Paul also says that not everyone has the "gift" of abstinence. In 1 Corinthians 7:7 and 9 he writes in this respect:

each has his special gift from God, one of one kind and one of another… if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion.

The apostle does not say that sexual life is something to be ashamed of or something which cannot go together with the service of the Lord. Paul lived in a specific situation, in which he had to fulfill a unique mandate. He speaks in 1 Corinthians 7:26 about "the present distress" in which they "will have worldly troubles." Overemphasis on the unmarried state has led to a wrong idea about sexual life, in the past sexual intercourse was considered to be almost indecent. It was necessary to bring forth children but, apart from that, it was a carnal matter and could not really go together with spiritual things. It was never openly discussed.

Nowadays things are quite different, almost to the other extreme. There seem to be no "secrets" at all and sexual matters are discussed very openly, but unfortunately not always more respectfully. Sex is no longer a "taboo" but has come in the open and, in the opinion of many; it is not inseparably connected with the married state any longer. There seem to be no norms at all, or mankind has become its own norm. Good is what makes you feel good, as long as it does not hurt anyone else.

The result of this attitude in the past was, that total abstinence was seen as the only acceptable method in cases in which a pregnancy was not desirable. Every other solution was considered immoral and unnatural. However, there was a certain hypocrisy in this attitude. Theory and reality where often miles apart. Moreover, it was a denial of the wonderful gift of unity which the Lord has given within the holy married state. Sexual intercourse is certainly not a "carnal" matter, it is not an indecent act. It is a gift of the Lord, given already in paradise. The Lord will use this act to bring forth new life. But also in cases in which the procreation of new life is not the intention or cannot even be expected, it remains a very important part of marriage and a way in which husband and wife express their feeling of love and unity. In Ephesians 5:31,32 the apostle Paul says:

For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is a profound one, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

The unity of husband and wife in the married state is used as a symbol of the relationship between Christ and His Church and it is called a profound mystery. In the same way the caricature of this relationship is used as a symbol of sin arid the work of Satan. In the Book of Revelation the dominion of the devil and his activity is compared with a harlot (Revelation 17:1 and 19:2). In the Old Testament unfaithfulness to the Lord is often called spiritual adultery. In Jeremiah 3:6 the Lord admonished His people and says that they "have played the harlot" by serving other gods.

Is total abstinence the only acceptable alternative in cases in which pregnancy has to be avoided? Other methods are called "unnatural" but the question has to be asked whether it is "natural" when a husband and wife are living together, sharing everything in life, without having the opportunity to come to a very essential act in the married state. Isn't that an unnatural and unhealthy situation? Of course, self-control is important and to abstain from sexual intercourse for a certain period of time can even strengthen the bond of marriage. In I Corinthians 7:5 the apostle says:

Do not refuse one another except perhaps by agreement for a season, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, lest Satan tempts you through lack of self-control.

Here he speaks about abstinence for a specific reason, with mutual agreement. And he adds: but then come together again "lest Satan tempts you." If a couple permanently has to live in total abstinence, it will have its impact on the relationship. The consequence can be that they cannot share the same bedroom any longer. Let us be realistic. If a boy and a girl are engaged, we will not allow them to live together in the same house and certainly not to sleep together in the same room. Even if they would say that they are strong enough to withstand the temptation, it would be irresponsible. It would cause unbearable tension. Under the same token it is almost impossible to expect that a young couple, with normal sexual feelings and reactions, can live together without having sexual intercourse. It would at least bring them in an extremely difficult position and put an enormous stress on them. No one can, in all honesty, call this a "natural" situation.

Today we are confronted by a society in which sex seems to be the most important thing in life. That is a caricature and to a certain extent idolatry with the body. We wholeheartedly reject this worldly attitude. But we should not, as a reaction, go to the other extreme and consider sexual intercourse unimportant and indecent. It is given as one of the most wonderful ways of expressing the unity within the holy married state. It has to be reserved for the married state and restricted to the relation between husband and wife, but used and seen in the proper context, it is a gift of the Lord which we should not underestimate or debase.